Dear A-Hole: Perfect, isn’t it?.

Q – Asshole, I have just had the best day ever.  I got up early, took care of my laundry and paid some bills, had a really delicious breakfast (soy-oat flax cereal and fruit) and then went out to a  craft fair with my parents.  What’s your perfect day?  Simone

A – No offense Simone, but your day sounds like it fucking sucked.  If I had to do ANY of those things I’d probably try to drown myself in fucking stagnant piss. Get up early – nope.  Laundry – fuck that.  Breakfast – I don’t think so.  Fuck soy-oat jizz – no fucking way.  Craft fare – that shit isn’t going to fucking happen.

Let me tell you about my perfect fucking day.  I get the fuck up when I get up.  It might be early, it might be late, I don’t really give a shit – it’s just when I get up.  Now before I even get out of bed, I take a moment to jack off.  I think it’s pretty fucking critical to do this every morning – for your health.

I’m not real big on breakfast, I’ll be fucking honest with you.  Of course when you wake and bake you may find yourself feeling a little fucking peckish.    Cookies, candy or chips do the job for me and I guess you could call it breakfast.

So really, none of the shit you think is cool is really that fucking cool.  There are three elements to a great day: a smoke, a toke and a stroke.  If I can get those three things into a day I’ll be fucking happy.  Now there are other things that matter too: fucking beer for example, taking a dump, a fucking blowjob – you know.

The only reason I didn’t put the on the first list was that they didn’t have “oke” at the end but besides that they’re fucking awesome.  So you can take your fucking craft fare and oat flax and parents and shove them all your fucking ass.

I don’t know much about you Simone but I’m willing to say that you and people like you are fucking assholes.