Dear A-Hole – I Smell Vacation

Q Hola Asshole – just came up with a genius idea I wanted to share with you cause it works. The other day I knew I was gonna get wasted and that I wasn’t gonna wanna work the next day. I didn’t wanna waste vacation so here’s what I did. I ate a load of beans and cabbage and stuff and waited. As soon as I could feel the effects I started hanging close to my boss and acting woozy. Pretty soon the effects kicked in and I was stinking the place up. He tried to ignore it but between my moaning and the stink there was no way. I told him my roommate had some kind of bug – nasty – and he sent me home and told me to lay low till things passed. That was a couple a days ago. You should try it it works great. Tootin Tony

A – From your fucking ass to gods fucking ear (or fucking nose in this case). That’s fucking awesome. If I had a fucking job I would do it. But guess what loser – I don’t fucking work. That shit would fucking interfere with me getting baked, getting drunk and getting laid.

It’s actually kind of fucking sad that you even need to stoop to shit like that to have fucking fun. But I’ll pretend I fucking understand how the fucking world works and shit. You’re just fucking lucky you boss doesn’t like sniffing farts or you might had had to do a fucking command performance or something.

People who like sniffing farts are assholes.

My cock is so fucking big

You know what sucks about having a giant fucking cock?  Having to piss in those shitty low urinals and shit.  What the fuck though, it’s not like I want my goddamn cockhead splashing around in some other douche bags piss or anything so I gotta use they kid’s fucking toilet.

Dear A-Hole – Did You Vote Did You Vote Did You Vote

Q – Hello N.A. – hope I am catching you at a good time. I was curious if you were going to vote today. I’m guessing the answer is “no” but thought I’d check just in case. Stevie

A – Actually, I did fucking vote today – and I’ll get to that in a second. First let me tell you a fucking story. I was in bed right, at like 10:00 this morning or something, and some douche bag calls and wakes me up. I can barely understand what she’s saying cause the music is so loud and shit. It should like she’s telling me it’s erection day though. I’m like “what the fuck” and tell her no thanks, every day is erection day for me and hang up. Then I realized she was saying election day. Good thing I’m an asshole or I might have felt bad about it or something.

Of course as soon as I went out people were all talking about the election and fucking shit. I was honestly not going to vote but here in Massachusetts we have this thing – Proposittion 2 that’s all about making it cool to smoke weed so of course I was all fucking for it.  So I smoked a bone and wandered down to this fucking school near where I’m staying at the moment (which happens to be my fucking parents house again).

When I got there there was a fucking line.  It pissed me off but I was feeling no fucking pain.  I just chilled and checked out the fucking MILFs waiting around me.  There was lots of bangable chicks so I tried to coax one of them into a fucking BJ or something – no fucking dice though.

Well I was waiting to vote I called that prick Chris the Asshole to see what all the voting was about.  He gave me the low down and helped me decide who the fuck to vote for and shit.  In the end, I did vote – AND managed to get laid (in the back of this chick’s minivan – after I shared some weed).

I voted for that Obama guy.  He seems like more of a dude than the old guy.

Remember to vote and shit.  You might be able to vote for weed like me.

Vaginale Fan Mail

People seem to dig the idea of Vaginale.  Check out this kick ass artwork inspired by that yeasty fucking brew.

Dear A-Hole – I <3 Matthew McConaughey

Q – Mister Hole, I know you live in Boston and I do too (maybe we should get together some time ;-O) and I saw on the news that MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is here doing a movie. I wish we was doing me! What celebrity would you most like to have sex with. Nina

A – Is this like the first fucking time you’ve ever read this fucking blog? I assume not since you seem to know that I live in Boston. But if you had half a fucking brain you would know that I FUCKING HATE CELEBRITIES!

But before I go fucking nuts on your sorry fucking ass for that idiotic infraction, let me address some of the more annoying aspects of your fucking email.

1) I fucking hate those fucking triangle 3 things to make fucking hearts.  H.A.T.E. them – and you used one.  Asshole.

2) If you were the last fucking woman on earth and I was the only fucking man and if the only fucking thing that would save both our lives was fucking hanging out with you I would choose to fucking die.  You may be hot, “nice” and all that other fucking shit but the fact that you think about celebrities makes my fucking dick shrivel.

3) The fact that you imagine fucking celebrities makes me want to fucking puke.  Do you also imagine them taking dumps, or puking, or seeing their fucking doctor about hemorrhoids?  I’ll bet you fucking do.

So which celebrity would I like to fuck?  A dead one, yeah, let me at some dead celeb’s fucking cadaver and I’ll go to fucking town.  Not that I would ever fuck a dead person (that’s just fucked up) but I like dead celebrities more than live ones.  Not that I think the stars and shitheads of the past were somehow fucking better than they are today but just because they’re dead.

Hey Nina, you’re a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Bowel Movie-ment

Q – Dear Hole – A few weeks ago you told us about watching Little Miss Sunshine.  It didn’t seem like you liked it very much.  Have you seen any other movies recently that you can recommend?  Curious George

A – It’s fucking true, I didn’t really like Little Miss Shitshine.  In part because it missed one of the hallmarks of great fucking movie making – tits.  My motto when it comes to tits in movies is “when in doubt, whip em out” and I’d like to see a lot more fucking people living by it.

That’s one of the biggest fucking complaints I had with the most recent movie I saw, “The Bourne Ultimatum,” no fucking tits.  Sure, it was fucking filled to the brim with as fucking much punching, shooting, crashing and killing as you could hope for; but it would have been nice to have some gratuitous flapjack action thrown in for good measure.  I mean shit, couldn’t ONE scene have taken place in a fucking strip club?  Or maybe when that chick was cutting her hair she could have been fucking topless?  Either way it would have made the movie ten times better.

The other thing that would have made it fucking better for me is if the fucking people behind me hadn’t brought their fucking baby with them.  That’s right, they had a little fucking baby that kept on crying.  Now I can understand not wanting to miss this movie but Jesus, did you have to bring the fucking kid?  And it isn’t even like the fucking kid could appreciate it very much.  My advice to parents – get a fucking babysitter or stay the fuck home.  To do anything else makes you an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Hold it right between your legs

Q – Dear NA Hole, I’m an old school guy who holds the door open for everyone. Male, female, young, old, hot or ugly. Yet, the times that I hold a door open and the receipient walks right through without thanking me, I make sure to comment nice and loudly, YOU’RE WELCOME. Does that make me as rude as them? Don Keybreath

A – Boo fucking hoo.  Mister Fucking Chivalry isn’t thanked for holding doors.  Listen, maybe you should offer to hold guys’ cock when they’re trying to fucking take a leak (that way they wouldn’t have to wash their fucking hands).

Seriously, when I was a little fucking kid I used to hold doors for people, always hoping for a fucking tip or shit; but pretty soon I figured out that holding doors is for fucking chumps.  Let the fucking assholes open the door for themselves.  Even if they have fucking armloads or bags or shit.  It will teach them to be fucking more resourceful.  And if they can’t do it, let them fucking ask for help.  There’s nothing more fun than watching some douche  bag struggle with a bunch of bags, having them ask for help and then pretending not to hear them until they ask a second or third time.

As for your fucking behavior, yeah, it makes you at least as rude as them.  But that’s fucking cool, it makes you kind of an asshole.