Holy Fuck – American Idol – WHY?

Some douche just posted that this is the fucking 8th fucking year of American Fucking Idol.  Why the fuck do we need this shit?  Some people might give me shit for judging this show without ever having watched it – but guess what, I’ve never fucked a goat either . . .

One bunch of dirty sluts in Texas have the right fucking idea – they started  a little something they call “Stripper Idol” and you know what?  It sounds fucking great to me.  But guess what – the fucking ass-munches at fucking Fox are boo-hoo-hooing about it saying, “whaa, whaa, we’re a bunch of fucking pussies and we want them to fucking stop . . .”

I say fuck that.  I love naked fucking chick and I hate wannabe douche bag celebrities – so guess what I’d rather fucking watch?  I’ll take some dirty MILF trying her hand at pole dancing any day before I’d be interested in some cockwad like Clay Aiken.  That little shit smells like balls. 

The sooner we can get American Idol off the air an replace it with Stripper Idol the better off we’ll all fucking be.

People who love American Idol are fucking douche bags and assholes.

Best fucking food idea ever

So once in a fucking while I like to stop being an asshole for a moment and take time to reflect on the good fucking things in life.  Chick.  Beer.  Weed.  But look, man can’t live on those great things alone, so from time to fucking time you’re going to need to eat.  The problem is most food sucks.  You have to buy it or prepare it or shit and that fucking sucks.

Well, sure it sucks, but sometimes you get out what you put in – and in this case – where what you put in is a pound of fucking bacon – what you get out is fan-fucking-tastic. 

My friends, I give you . . . courtesy of Supersizedmeals.com . . . bacon fucking cereal

 

Bacon Fucking Cereal

When I saw this fucking thing I had an instant fucking boner.  Fuckin’ A that is so full of fat and shit – and fucking salt.  Man, that would clog the pipes for weeks if it weren’t so fucking full-o-fat.  This shit will lube you the fuck up and have you shitting six ways till Sunday.  I’m going to go home today, cook up the bacon, do a dozen or so fucking bong hits, and eat this fucking shit.

It’s going to be fucking awesome.

People who don’t like bacon are assholes.

Dear A-hole – Two for me, three for us

Q – Like most guys, the idea of a threesome has always intrigued me.  On Friday night, it almost happened.  The only problem was the third person was a guy.  HELP.  C. Norris

A – Holy shit man, that like blows.  You might want to hit the fucking booze buddy if you’re seen as perfect fodder for a little lady sandwich or something.  Two chicks, sure, who isn’t down with that – but who the fuck wants to have some strange shlong slapping around – and maybe even fucking slapping into your face while your lapping away?  No fucking N.A. Hole, that’s for sucking sure.

I love chicks a ton and want them to be happy – but if them being happy means me and some other dude swapping spit or something . . . well fuck that, they can be sad as fucking shit for all I care.  Now if two chicks want to do me – that’s totally totally fine.  It’s better than fine.  One chick squatting on my dick while the other one licks my salty nuts?  Oh yeah . . .

Now some may say this is a double standard.  And to that I say so the fuck what.  Like I give a shit, like I hold myself to some unattainable ideal of fairness and balance.  Bullshit.  The only thing I care about is me – it’s one of the many things that makes me an asshole.

And another fucking thing – did you know this dude?  Is it someone you work with or something?  Man, that would suck balls.  Monday morning would just be about as shitty as anything could be if this dude works at the same store with you or something.  But fuck, if it’s a stranger it might even be worse – that means there are tons of guys out there just thinking what it would be like to sink their pole into your stink hole with a chick involved in some way.

Fuck.

Now I’ve gone down this route assuming you said no and shit but maybe you didn’t.  Maybe you were looking for some help on how to connect with this dude.  If that’s the fucking case though you’re barking up the wrong goddamn tree.

Shit – people who bust out this shit are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole: Braid this

Q – Hi Asshole – My boyfriend is really into me having a really hairy bush so I haven’t shaved or trimmed or waxed it at all in three years.  The problem is the hair is so thick now we can barely find my pussy.  Any ideas?  Eve

A – First let me say that you and your fucking boyfriend are fucking disgusting and deserve each other.  Let me ask you – if he was into chicks w/ no ears would you cut yours off for him?  Come the fuck on, it’s your goddamn body (which is what women keep fucking saying at least) so deal with it the way you want and shit.

If I were him I’d consider myself fucking lucky not to be able to find your stinky pussy.  Matted under all that fucking hair it must be some stinky funky mess.  I wouldn’t fucking fuck you with a cab driver’s dick.  But listen, if you want your fucking cunt to be a hairy mess that’s your problem.  If you want to keep the hair out I do have an idea – braids.  You can make your muff look like Bo Derick or something with some braids and beads.  Not that it will make you any less fucking skanky but what the fuck I’m not a goddamn miracle worker.

Chicks like you who let their pubes go out of control – and the douche bag guys who fuck them – are assholes.

My cock is so fucking big

You know what sucks about having a giant fucking cock?  Having to piss in those shitty low urinals and shit.  What the fuck though, it’s not like I want my goddamn cockhead splashing around in some other douche bags piss or anything so I gotta use they kid’s fucking toilet.

Dear A-Hole – Time on my hands

Q: Man im blazed outttta my mind. been tokin since 7am. i just had my girl over to fuck me, i played the guitar a bit and lit shit on fire, but im not even at munchies yet! my question is what the fuck should i do for my remaining 3 hours?   -smokin joe A – Dude, you’re my hero of the fucking morning.  Goddamn – a wake and bake and then some lovin’ for your trouser snake?  What a fucking awesome way to start the day.  If I were you, I’d make a beeline to the shitter and take a good morning dump.  Nothing says life is good more than a fucking crap.  Then I would maybe take a three second shower and get your girl in there to blow you.  Then I’d get baked again.  Then take a fucking nap.  Then wake up and get baked again.  And get laid.  Then get some fucking food and beer.  And do a bong hit.  Go outside and stumble around like a drunk and stoned super fucking star.  Sit in the fucking sun.  Get another blowjob.  Go to a bar.  Get more beer.  Take a leak.  Head over to Store 24 or something and grab some snacks and shit.  Go to a friends house and get baked again.  Brag about what an awesome fucking day I was having.  Maybe play some games and shit.  Call a different chick and head out to her place to fuck her.  Get stoned with her and get laid on the couch.  Have a beer.  Take her out for something to eat and shit.  Stick my hand down the front of her pants on the fucking train.  Go to some fucking nice store and act like an asshole for a while.  Try to convince the girl to suck me off in a changing room.  Go to the liquor store and grab some fucking booze.  Drink it out of a bag.  Sit on the steps of the library and watch people for a while.  Throw up a little.  Stagger into the fucking library to take a leak.  Share a joint in an alley with strangers.  Take a fucking nap on a bench.  Go home.  Crash on the couch.  Wake the fuck up and start it all over again. You’re one lucky fucking bastard Joe.  And anyone that doesn’t think so is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Naming Names

Q – I have a big problem.  I was fucking my girlfriend and didn’t pull out in time.  Now she’s saying she’s gonna have the baby.  A girl.  You might think I gotta lot to deal with but here’s my question: how would you choose a name?  Dribbles

A – Wow dude, it sounds like your boat of life totally fucking ran aground on the shoals of sloppy fucking.  Too fucking bad.  You should encourage said girlfriend to exercise her woman’s right and get thing out of there before it’s too fucking late.  Assuming you’ve already had that conversation you could also consider emigrating to fucking France or something – someplace far away where no one is going to rat you our or give you shit or anything.

Let’s say you have considered both of these obvious options (wink, wink) and for whatever reason feel like it still makes sense to accept responsibility for your girlfriends unwillingness to listen.  So you want a baby name.  OK.  You can go one of two ways and the process is the same in both cases – it just depends on what you want.  Here’s how it works.  Go go google images.  Turn off safe search and put in a chick’s name.  If you want a slut, choose a name that has lots of naked chicks.  If you don’t want a slut find a name that doesn’t have any naked chicks right away

Slut names:

• Ambe
• April
• Ann
• Bobbi
• Bridget
• Brianna
• Cindy
• Carla
• Connie
• Donna
• Debbie
• Daisy
• Ellie
• Elizabeth
• Erika

Fuck, as much as I’d like to keep helping I think I need to go and jack off.  The bottom fucking line is that every name is a fucking slut name.  All I can fucking say it you should get your fucking hoses crimped and your girlfriend is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Weight, weight

Q – Hi.  I am kind of shy so please don’t use my name, OK?  I am a 34 year old woman and am a little overweight.  I’ve lost a lot but still can’t get that last pesky 30 pounds off.  One of my girlfriends at work said you have good advice so I’m sending you this note.  Sassy McCormick

A – First, you need some new fucking friends because I only give out rude bullshit advice and they’re fucking with you.  Second, how the fuck is 30 fucking pounds “pesky”?  Fuck, if I lost 30 pounds  I’d be a fucking skeleton or something.  But hey, I don’t mean to be fucking rude or shit – I like girls of every shape and fucking size so you stand as good a chance as anyone of becoming Ms. Hole.

Third – what the fuck is up with your name?  I know you asked me not to use it and shit but guess what – I’m an asshole.  You can’t tell me that’s your real fucking shit.  I’m not going to buy it – sorry.

But on to your fucking question.  Listen – like they fucking say – there’s more than one fucking way to skin a cat and when it comes to shedding a few unwanted pounds it’s totally a fucking snap.  Just cut off a leg.  That’s what I would do.  A leg has got to be 30 fucking pounds or something, right?  I’ll be that legs are like 30 pounds and arms are maybe 10.  That’s 80 fucking pounds of dead weight you can get rid of.

Before you go and say that it would cost too much to get your arms and legs cut off, let me suggest your open your fucking mind a little.  Don’t go to a doctor, they will charge you an arm and a leg (oh fuck am I fucking funny or what).  Just go to a vet or something and tell them you want the excess taken off.  I don’t think most of them would object or anything.  Seriously though, don’t have all four taken off – you need an arm at least for eating and wiping your ass and shit.

Let me know how the fuck it goes and seriously, your fucking friends are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I feel good

Q – Gotta a good one today.  What’s the best feeling in the world.  Lucky

A – Fuck man there are so many of them.  Getting a hummer, taking a piss, that 14th beer, a solid fucking bong hit, fuck, I could go for some kind of good fucking feeling right now – but today one stands out above all the rest.  It’s a little fucking something that I like to call – scientifically speaking – post-defecation elation.  You know what I’m fucking talking about.  You take a huge fucking dump and you feel 20 pounds fucking lighter.  I got off the fucking can earlier today with a forearm-sized shitsnake coiled in the bowl and a huge fucking grin on my face.

Thankfully I dropped this one in a public bathroom cause there was no fucking way it was going anywhere if you know what I mean.   I gave it a flush but it just fucking sat there.  I walked the fuck out with a happy little tune in my heart.  I love taking a good shit.

People who don’t sing the praises of their turds are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Did You Vote Did You Vote Did You Vote

Q – Hello N.A. – hope I am catching you at a good time. I was curious if you were going to vote today. I’m guessing the answer is “no” but thought I’d check just in case. Stevie

A – Actually, I did fucking vote today – and I’ll get to that in a second. First let me tell you a fucking story. I was in bed right, at like 10:00 this morning or something, and some douche bag calls and wakes me up. I can barely understand what she’s saying cause the music is so loud and shit. It should like she’s telling me it’s erection day though. I’m like “what the fuck” and tell her no thanks, every day is erection day for me and hang up. Then I realized she was saying election day. Good thing I’m an asshole or I might have felt bad about it or something.

Of course as soon as I went out people were all talking about the election and fucking shit. I was honestly not going to vote but here in Massachusetts we have this thing – Proposittion 2 that’s all about making it cool to smoke weed so of course I was all fucking for it.  So I smoked a bone and wandered down to this fucking school near where I’m staying at the moment (which happens to be my fucking parents house again).

When I got there there was a fucking line.  It pissed me off but I was feeling no fucking pain.  I just chilled and checked out the fucking MILFs waiting around me.  There was lots of bangable chicks so I tried to coax one of them into a fucking BJ or something – no fucking dice though.

Well I was waiting to vote I called that prick Chris the Asshole to see what all the voting was about.  He gave me the low down and helped me decide who the fuck to vote for and shit.  In the end, I did vote – AND managed to get laid (in the back of this chick’s minivan – after I shared some weed).

I voted for that Obama guy.  He seems like more of a dude than the old guy.

Remember to vote and shit.  You might be able to vote for weed like me.