Dear A-hole – oh cum on

Q – this is kind of embarrasing to ask but i need some advice.  the other day i was at work and was on im with this chick and she was getting all dirty on the web cam for me and i ended up kind of toching my dick through my pants and ended up cumming.  i tried to be mellow but someone saw.  help.

A – You fucking douche bag.  You fucking jack off at work?  There’s nothing wrong with that but that’s what fucking stalls are for you idiot.  I would have just excused my self and gone and taken care of fucking business and no one would have been the wiser.  What to fucking do?  Well that depends.  If it was a dude that busted you you should have just said, “yeah man, my fucking cock needs a workout every few hours, you know what I mean?” and left it at that.  It it was a chick you should have fucking asked her to suck the jizz out for you.  Chicks dig the taste of cum and it would have probably been a nice fucking break for her, you know?

Another fucking thing you might want to consider is whether you need a fucking job at all.  I can sit around and jack off all day and not give a shit about what happens or who sees it because I’m just that fucking kind of a guy.

People who have trouble with cum stains on other people’s pants are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Time Flies – Celebs Dies

Q – Hasta La Vista NA?  So can’t help notice that there have been some tragic celeb deaths in recent days.  Given your feeling on celebrities, how does this all make you feel?  Cornhuskie

A – From some fucking song I think I heard in a douche bag commercial or something, “I’m walking on fucking sunshine.”  All of these dead and dying celebrities make more room for the deserving non-celebrities.  More fucking air for the rest us is what I fucking say!

Let’s look at last weeks rollcall in a bit more fucking detail, shall we?

Farah: Look, I’ll be honest, I probably beat my fucking meat to her poster more than a few fucking times.  I missed Charlie’s Angels when she was on it because I’m not fucking old.  But still, I think she would have looked hot sporting some of my man-chowder across her face.  Sorry she died and shit.

Michael Jackson: Grade-A freakazoidal douchbag.  WFT?  The fucking guy tries to change fucking races, bang fucking kids, keeps a fucking pet monkey and shit, acts like the freak to end all freaks and then pulls a Hank fucking Williams Sr.  It’s been fucking years (at fucking least) since I heard one of his shitty songs.  Even this past week with him being dead and all I managed not to hear even one little fucking bit.  Yay for me.

Billy Mays: You all know my fucking lifestyle – I stay up all night getting baked, jacking off, etc.  I also consume shitty TV the way some people drink water.  And there’s nothing surer about shitty TV than that you’re going to see Billy fucking Mays trying to sell you some shit.  I remember once I was fucking MESSED UP on shrooms or acid or something and suddenly felt this fucking connection with Billy.  I’m not trying to sound gay or anything but I fucking loved the guy.  There was just something about the way he was talking that fucking night that made a lot of fucking sense.  I can’t even remember what the fucking he was talking about but fuck – it really meant a lot to me at least.

Thankfully, none of these deaths was a personal tragidy for me.  I know that for some people life fucking has lost it’s fucking meaning since these bags bit it – not me baby.  I’m all about having a good fucking time and not giving two goat fucks about celebrities – living or fucking dead.

People who give a shit about this shit are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – S’not cool

Q – Hello N.A., this is REALLY embarassing.  I was at work yesterday and was picking my nose.  I got something that looked pretty good so I ate it.  The problem is a buddy saw me do it and told everyone.  Gene

A – Well Gene you’re officially a gross fucking douche bag.  What the fuck comes out of your nose that “looks pretty good?”  A steak, some marshmallows, a fucking chicken wing?  Help me out here buddy because the only fucking shit that ever comes out of my nose is blood or snot and nether of those look “pretty good” to me.  And certainly not good enough to fucking eat.

Even though you’re a gross fucking fuck, I’m still going to fucking give you a hand.  So now at work everyone hates you and gives you shit.  This is natural and you should expect it.  The solutions are limited – you could a) kill yourself – but this seems a little draconian, b) get a new job or c) kill everyone who knows.

A and C are a little fucking extreme so don’t do those.  I put them in for comic fucking relief.  Getting a new job is the only fucking answer.  Not just a new job though buddy, you’re going to need a new fucking identity in a city far away from whatever snot-munching shit-hole you currently call home.  Who the fuck knows, maybe there’s some tribe of snot-eaters somewhere who would welcome you with open arms and shit.  Good luck.

People who eat their snot are assholes.

You all fucking suck

So I’ve got to get something off my fucking chest: you all fucking suck.  That’s fucking right – all of you; well, maybe not ALL of you.  There are a few cool ones who send shit in and shit; but most of you fucking suck.  See the whole point of this fucking site is to ask fucking questions and shit – and I know I am not always the most fucking prompt when it comes to getting my responses posted but what the fuck do you want?  I’m a fucking asshole and a douche bag.  You need to get the questions in so I can lazily consider whether to bother fucking answering them or not.

The problem I am having isn’t that I’m not getting fucking questions – it’s that the fucking questions I’m getting fucking suck (just like most of you).  So step it the fuck up people, I’ve got lots to be fucking pissed off about . . .

fucking assholes

Dear A-Hole: Worst. Thing. Ever.

Q – Dear Hole – I got a job at like a community arts center in my town.  Most of the crap that comes through totally sucks – as you can probably imagine.  The other day there was kids music that seriously made me want to stab myself in the ear with an icepick.  The music was bad enough but the worst thing were the parents singing alone with such sickening glee and gusto.  Help!  Minnie Me

A – Wow, that totally fucking sucks.  But listen, do  you have a job at a community arts center or something *like* a community arts center?  Just fucking curious.  So the obvious solution to your problem is to shame these fucking idiots into shutting the fuck up.  One approach might be to say – in a loud voice – something like, “shit, you’re fucking AWESOME you should think about getting up on stage with the band.”  That certainly conveys the point but it might be to subtle for most fucking idiots.

A step up would be to just walk up and tell them to shut the fuck up.  Maybe punctuated by several jabs into the chest with an index finger.  Now a poke in the chest may say “stop” but it might not say it forcefully enough.  For that clear message, you may want to carry a fucking can of pepper spray.  I’d suggest starting with a glare, followed by a tap on the shoulder and then the surprise blast in the fucking eyes.  Trust me, it will work like a fucking charm.

People who are really into fucking kids music are assholes, people who fucking sing along are even bigger assholes and people who do it all fucking loud and proud and the biggest assholes of them all.

Dear A-Hole: Stand to the fucking right

Q – Dear Asshole, I am one of those poor bastards that has to take public transportation every day and I get to ride a bunch of r-e-a-l-l-y long escalators every day.  You know what I hate?  People who block the damn thing by just standing there.  And advice?  Cliff the Communter

A – Hey Cliff.  I gotta ride the fucking train here in Boston a lot myself and this really bugs me too and I do have some advice.  You could act like a fucking pussy and do nothing but why the fuck would you want to do that?  I sure don’t.  You could act like a slightly smaller pussy and say something like, “excuse me cock breath but you’re fucking blocking the whole fucking escalator like a goddamn douche bag.”  This approach is OK but it’s only so-fucking-so.

If you’re an asshole (like me) you just keep walking – right into the fucking idiot – they’ll get the message if you shove them to the side.  The message can be easily reinforced by telling them they fucking suck as you walk into them.  That’s my way – the asshole way – and I recommend it.

People who block escalators are assholes and deserve to be pushed around.

Dear A-Hole: I hate needles

Q – Hi Ass – I am excited but confused.  I want to try that new game GTA IV but I don’t like doctors and stuff.  How much medical stuff do you think is in the game?  Crisco

A – Are you called fucking crisco because you like to lube up your bung hole or what?  I couldn’t even fucking understand the point of your question at first.  I mean I played the game and shit and there’s plenty of people getting hurt but not a whole lot of medical shit or anything.  Then I fucking realized that you’re an idiot and it all became clear.  Dude – IV is Greek or Roman or something for 4 – it doesn’t fucking mean IV like in the hospital and shit.

Now I got this game the other fucking day myself – here’s how I fucking got it.  I went to the local gamestop and just grabbed it and walked out.  Just like the guy in the fucking game would do.  I mean shit, that’s what the game is all about so Rock Star is probably cool with it, right?  Some cocksucker came out after me and I considered beating the shit out of her but decided just to tell her to fuck off and run away.  I love it when life imitates art, don’t you?

Anyway, it’s an awesome fucking game and anyone that doesn’t think so is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Pissing my pants

Q – Hi.  I’m an asshole like you.  It’s hard for me to get jobs and stuff and I just got one working in a garment sweat shop in New York where I make hats.  The work sucks but it’s a paycheck I guess.  The biggest problem is that we can only go to the bathroom twice a day and I guess I have a small bladder.  Help!  Contance

A – Why not give me a harder fucking question next time.  This one is too fucking easy.  Just piss in your fucking pants.  Bring some clean fucking clothes in a bag and at the end of the fucking day put them on.  You might still smell kind of like piss but who gives a fucking shit?  After a few days of seeing and smelling you covered in piss, the assclowns who make the fucking rules with either a) let you go to the bathroom whenever you fucking need to or b) fucking fire your piss stinky mother fucking ass.

My bet is on “b” but what the fuck are you going to do.  Douche bags like the ones you work for are fucking assholes.  I hope the fucking hats they sell cause cancer.

Dear A-Hole – Lazy hump

Q – Hey asshole.  I have a friend who has friend who has a son that doesn’t do jack.  It’s  none of my business except my friend often can’t do things because he’s helping his friend out because the kid isn’t doing anything.  What should I do?  Clamped

A – First of fucking all, you should mind your own fucking business.  Who the fuck are you to go sticking your big fucking head into your friend’s friend’s kid’s fucking life?  If that’s what you’re fucking doing, than you my friend are a fucking asshole.

But let’s think about this creatively for a fucking second.  You’re fucking ASSUMING that the issues is that your friend is helping out their friend.  I think a more fucking likely explanation – given what a nosy fucking dick you are – is that your friend just doesn’t fucking like you and uses the friend and the son as an easy excuse for avoiding you.

So what should you do about this?  Simple: stop being such and asshole and sucking so much.  You’re just kind of a dick, you know, and no one wants to be near you.  Fucking asshole.