Asshole of the Week – Early, Late, You Can Choose

So you’re probably fucking wondering where I’ve fucking been.  I mean shit, It’s been a while since I fucking posted anything.  Well I’ll fucking tell you what – I’ve been right fucking here.  So why haven’t I written anything?  The answer to that is the fucking Asshole of the Week.

Usually I choose some fucking newsmaker or something, or a fucking celebrity.  Not this fucking time.  This week’s (or last fucking week’s) Asshole of the Fucking Week is a now ex-fucking friend of mine Chris the Asshole.  Why is Chris a fucking asshole?  Because he fucked up my computer last week.  For real fucked it up.

Here’s the fucking deal.  I’m not the richest motherfucker you’re going to meet.  In fact, most of my shit is pretty fucking shitty.  Except for one fucking thing – my computer.  I fucking saved up some money (OK, a lot of fucking money) and bought myself a MacBook Pro a couple of years ago.  It was like a couple of thousand dollars and shit which is no small change for me.

I fucking love my computer and carry the fucking thing everywhere.  Last week I brought it with me to a fucking party at Chris the Asshole’s fucking house.  I didn’t have it out or anything until Chris the Asshole asked me to take it out to show some of his fucking friends something.  (It might have been this site actually now that I come to think about it – I was pretty fucked up at the time.)

Anyway, I took it out and leeched some dumb motherfucker in the building’s WiFi.  It was all fucking good and people were having fun online and shit.  Then Chris the Asshole – a fucking drunk oaf – comes lumbering close and tried to get to the keyboard – to do what I don’t fucking know.  I was cool with it  – I mean my system is pretty fucking important to me but I’m not a fucking dick or anything about it.

So fucking Chris the Asshole sits down and starts going to YouTube and shit and showing people fucking stupid videos blah, blah, blah.  He wants to get everyone’s fucking attention to make them watch one so he stands up and starts shouting at everyone.  They gather around to see and as he turns to fucking start it he dropped his fucking beer right onto the computer.

I’m not talking like a little fucking splash or anything, I’m talking about a full fucking red plastic party cup of cold beer.  It feel right onto the fucking keyboard – but not to one side or the other or anything; the opening faced the fucking screen to ensure the maximum amount of beer would shlosh back onto the keyboard.

Instantly the fucking screen goes black and the system just fucking stopped.  Chris the Asshole is standing there dumb for a fucking second and then he starts fucking laughing like it’s the fucking funniest fucking thing he’s ever fucking seen.  Me and everyone else were just fucking silent and shit.  I mean holy fuck – that was my fucking computer this douche bag just fucking fried.

He starts wiping the keyboard with his shirt and says it will be fine once it dries out.  Then he picks it up and starts shaking the fucking thing.  Beer just pours out of it – like 16 ounces of beer.  Guess what?  Wiping it off and shaking it didn’t fix the fucking problem.  I was ready to fucking kill him and took a fucking swing at him but he’s like way bigger than me and started beating on me instead like it was my fucking fault.

People pulled him off me and I got my shit together and just fucking left.  I tried fixing it myself but no fucking dice.  Chris the Asshole called me the next fucking day (Saturday) to say he was sorry and to ask if my computer was OK.  I told him it was fucking ruined thanks to him being such a fucking drunk asshole.

He says he’s going to fucking replace it but how the fuck is he going to do that?  I mean this guy makes me look like a fucking genius.  So now I am sans computer and it fucking sucks.  I am using one at this chick Brenda’s house at the moment but WTF?  Chris the Asshole keeps leaving me messages every day and texting me and shit to say he’s really going to fix things but I’ll fucking believe it when I see it.

So for being such a drunk fucking oaf, Chris the Asshole is this week’s Asshole of the Fucking Week now and for fucking ever.  So if you don’t see me fucking posting as much, blame Chris the Asshole.  The guy is a total fucking prick and isn’t going to be anything but that to me until I have my fucking computer back.

He fucking sucks.

Asshole of the Week – Ralph Gayder

I don’t know what it is but that this week’s Asshole of the Week really pisses me off.  Back in the day this guy was a douche bag and nothing’s fucking changed since then.  He shove his fucking cock face into all kinds of fucking jizzness.  And guess fucking what – it’s fucking annoying.  So for the most part this dick head has been out of the fucking lime light but every now and fucking then he decides to crawl out of under his fucking rock to stink up the fucking place – and he’s getting ready to do it again.  So who the fuck am I talking about?

King Fucking Douche Bag and this week’s Asshole of the Week:

That’s right – Ralph “the fucking spoiler” Nader is this week’s Asshole of the Fucking Week.  This scarred piece of shit gets a fucking boner every time he can do his part to get some fucking Republican sperm stain elected by siphoning off votes from the Democrats.  Just fucking look at his left fucking eye – it just fucking screams – “I had a fucking stroke and I suck.”  I mean this guy must get free BJs from every fucking Republican candidate you can fucking think of and then some.

Hey cock – do America a fucking favor and stay the fuck out of it this time, OK?  The last thing we need if eight more fucking years of the fucking Republicans because this sphincter is fucking itching again.

Listen Ralph, you’ve never fucking one anything in your whole fucking life and now you have: you’re this week’s Asshole of the Week.

Asshole of the Week – No Fucking Pun

As always I was fucking struggling today for my Asshole of the Week.  It’s not that fucking easy.  It’s not that I can’t think of tons of asshole, frankly they’re fucking everywhere you fucking look; it’s trying to come up with someone who’s especially irritating to me.

So today, as I was fucking stewing on this, I happened to walk by a fucking TV; and there, on the screen, was my salvation.  I don’t really have any reason to dislike this jackass other than the fact that he’s alive.  I mean he’s never done anything to me personally but hell, that means fucking nothing in my book.

This guy though just LOOKS like a total asshole.  He’s got asshole hair and an asshole mustache and an asshole bow tie and makes asshole puns and is on asshole TV and talks about Hollywood which is just fucking full of assholes.  So here he is, this week’s Asshole of the Week:

 

Gene Fucking Shalit.  What is there NOT to hate about this clown?  I mean really, today his fucking stache was down to his fucking gross nipples, hanging as limp as a drunk dude’s dong.  I wish he’d be in a fucking snuff film as the fucking star.

And so, just for looking and acting and sounding like a fucking douche bag, Gene Shalit gets the nod as Asshole of the Week.

Asshole of the Week – We can still fucking hear you

So a different take on Asshole of the Week, just a fucking chance for me to fucking vent about someone really annoying.  As many of you fucking know, I take a lot of fucking trains.  Pretty much every day I am on a train at some point.  I like trains way more than fucking driving.  It’s easier, more fucking relaxing, cheaper – plus, there’s plenty of chickish eye candy for me to check out.

But fucking trains aren’t all goddamn fun and games.  Not by a long fucking shot.  Why back when, I think Romi might have fucking nominated the first Asshole of the Week – some fucking train-riding loudmouth she had to fucking put up with.

Well guess the fuck what?  I had the same fucking problem myself this week.  It was the fucking worst.  I was on the fucking train and this giant fucking shehemoth waddles on board.  Now just being fucking supersized isn’t by itself enough to get this coveted fucking prize, not by a fucking long shot.

The thing is, this cow had something else going for her: she was deaf.  Now not being able to fucking hear probably has some upside.  The problem today though was that this chick kept fucking talking to people.  And just because she can’t hear me didn’t mean I couldn’t fucking hear her.  Nope, she was fucking bellowing away in fucking deaf-speak so the whole goddamn car could hear everything she was TRYING to fucking say.

Of course no one could understand a fucking word of it.

So congratulations giant deaf fat lady who wouldn’t shut the fuck up on the train this morning, you’re an asshole and you’re this week’s Asshole of the Week.  But please, no fucking acceptance speech.

Asshole of the Week – Another fucking fist (up the ass)

For reasons I can’t fucking explain, I was watching the Iowa shit last fucking night.  I was picking up some shit and the guy had it on so I ended up fucking sitting there, pulling tubes and watching.

Now if you fucking watched, you will have seen a fucking shitload of fucking assholes last night (I sure did).  There was that asshole Chris “Hardballs” Matthews, Keith “I got the fucking sides of my fucking head frosted” Oberman, Tim “I look like a potato” Russert just to name a fucking few.

And then there were the fucking candidates and their fucking lackies all jumping around like a bunch of fucking dicks and douche bags.  Watching this shit started to make my eyes hurt so I had to smoke more dope (glaucoma).

Suddenly, I’m thinking this fucking shit must be fucking awesome because I see this fucking grinning asshole bouncing across the screen like the fucking bouncing ball on a sing-a-long show.  It’s all hairy and it’s bouncing up and down behind Mike Smellslikepee.

Before my mind can even form the fucking words, one of the other guys in the room shouts out, “Holy fucking shit, it’s Chuck fucking Norris.”  And in that fucking instant, I knew who would be named this week’s Asshole of the Week.

I’m sure I’ve seen millions of hours of Chuck Norris movies in my day but so fucking what.  Does that mean I want to see his hairy fucking mug mooning at the camera at some political rally?  No fucking way.  Look, this guy should have gone the way of the fucking dod0 years ago but then a fucking bunch of jackoffs started that fucking Chuck Norris list shit and got everyone fucking all hard for him again.

Next fucking thing you know fucking Mountain Dew has him on a fucking commercial and someone who should have eased gently into the shadows of “Alive or Dead” is suddenly culturally relevant again.  And by some fucking sick twist of fate, he ends up stumping (or is it humping) for Mike Fuckorpee.  Is this a fucking fucked up country or what?

And so, for moving from fucking box office bully to tonuge-in-cheek cultural caricature to dais-hogging celebritician, Chuck Norris gets this weeks fucking laurels.

Asshole of the Week – What a Rayhole

So I don’t know anything about this fucking person besides the fucking fact that they totally fucking annoy me. And frankly, that’s e-fucking-nough sometimes to be given the coveted Asshole of the Week honors. I suppose it’s possible that someone will write to me to say, “Oh, no, she’s not an asshole at all,” to which I will respond, “Go fuck yourself your fucking stupid piece of shit.”

And now, to avoid prolonging the agony, here is this week’s Asshole of the Week:

That’s right, Rachel Fucking Ray walks away with this week’s honors. All I know about her is that she seems to be on the fucking cover of like a million books that I’d never even fucking pick up, that she’s on TV advertising things with a fucking smirk on her fucking face.

Now that fact that I think she’s an asshole doesn’t mean I wouldn’t fucking do her. In fact, if Rachel Ray was naked and spread eagle on my fucking dining room table right this minute I’d go down on her in a fucking heartbeat. But when we were fucking done I’d still be like, “I don’t know who the fuck you are but you’re an annoying fucking asshole.”

So Rachel, congratulations. I’m sure you have a bunch of awards and honors and shit so here’s a little something extra for your fucking resume.

Asshole of the Week – OPGMIWWTFEITWTLPOEAMDWFOIID

So last fucking night I was fucking fretting over the fucking fact that I didn’t have a fucking Asshole of the Week yet.  I was at a fucking bar, watching silent fucking sports and fucking stewing in my fucking beer.  I was venting to my fucking gal pal and she came up with a few lame shots in the fucking dark.  Just when all seemed fucking lost, fate – as is typically the fucking case – shined down on me.

Into the fucking bar strolled an example of a unique kind of fucking asshole that I’ve been seeing more and more of lately.  I wish I’d had a fucking camera with me cause if I fucking did you’d know exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.  Instead, I’m going to fucking have to describe this person in detail and you all will have to paint a mental fucking picture for yourselves.

To build suspense, I’ll start at the fucking bottom (remember, this is just ONE fucking example of what is becoming a fucking epidemic):

Shoes – light fucking tan pointy toed high heel boots:

Pants -  fucking light leather pants that match the fuck boots.  I couldn’t find a picture that does these nightmares justice.  But trust me, when I saw them I wished I fucking hadn’t.

Belt – totally fucking garish, wide with a giant fucking gold buckle.

Shirt – some fucking matching light tan turtleneck – with a fucking LIGHT BROWN FUR VEST:

(note – this is not the specific fucking woman I am talking about but she is a good example of the fucking problem.)

Jewelry -  lots of it – fucking rings, bracelets, dangling earrings, you fucking name it and she had it fucking on

Hair – a giant fucking mass of over fucking processed straw in some fucking insane style from the fucking 80s or something

Face/makeup/surgery/hands – OK, so this is the fucking moment of fucking truth – as I fucking see this monstrosity walking in it was fucking bad enough – but when I saw that she was probably in her fucking late 60s I really really had to fight down the fucking bile rising up my fucking esophagus.  Her face was pulled tight against the bones of her fucking skull, like a fucking mummy:

Of course nothing could be done to hide the fucking wrinkled, foreskin-like neck (nice fucking try with the fucking turtleneck though) or the hands that looked like fucking chicken paws:

All of which were tell-tale signs of advanced fucking age being hidden or obscured by any fucking means possible.

Now before people jump ugly on me for being fucking “ageist” or something, let me say that I find something hot about women of pretty much every age (OK, so maybe it’s like a fucking bell curve . . .) but shit, trying to pretend that the last fucking 20 or 30 years never fucking happened just isn’t a good fucking thing.

So with all that being said, this week’s Asshole of the Week goes to OPGMIWWTFEITWTLPOEAMDWFOIID  (Over Processed Grandmothers I Wouldn’t Want To Fuck Even If There Were The Last Pussy On Earth And My Dick Would Fall Off If I Didn’t).  I think you know who you fucking are (even though you MIGHT not be reading this fucking blog).  Get it fucking together – it isn’t 19-fucking-82 any more and you’re not 32 either. Grow old gracefully and spare the rest of us your sorry sexy self.

Asshole of the Week – The Cocket

Some people suck more in some fucking places than in others.  And some fucking people just fucking suck.  This week’s Asshole of the Week fucking sucks in most places; but here in Boston, he’s a fucking special case.  His athletic prowess – especially early in his career – was something to behold.  But his dickery as his career unfolded was pretty fucking annoying.  And now we find out that not only is this cocksucker an asshole but he’s also a fucking douche bag cheater as well.

Of all the fucking names found in the Mitchell Report, none warmed the cockles of my bitter fucking heart more than this week’s fucking winner.  The on again/off again nature of my hate affair with this bung hole has mostly been on for many fucking years and now I suspect that most of America (if not the fucking world) will be ready to jump on the fucking hatewagon.  So who could this ass licker be?  (As if you haven’t already guesssed . . .)

That’s fucking right, this week’s Asshole of the Week is none other than Roger “I love to shove my thumb up my fucking ass” Clemens.  This guy is to assholes what Air Supply is to fucking hair bands – the fucking worst of the worst.

Now some may say that he’s only getting this award because I am a Red Sox fan and it’s just bitter fucking grapes since he chose the bend the Yankees over and fuck them this past season instead of coming back to his fucking roots and closing out his career here in Boston (like he was fucking planning to close out his career at all, what with the juice and all).  Nay, nay, I say, I think all fans can agree that he’s a fucking dick, douche bag, cock sucker, mother fucker, ass muncher, cock gobbler, balloon knot, etc., etc., etc., regardless of one’s home team.

I can only fucking hope that we are all ready to boo this dumb bastard down wherever he shows his fucking lame-ass face in the future.

So congratulations Roger, you can add Asshole of the Week to your fucking tainted Cy Young Awards.  Nice work asshole.