Dear A-Hole – Naming Names

Q – I have a big problem.  I was fucking my girlfriend and didn’t pull out in time.  Now she’s saying she’s gonna have the baby.  A girl.  You might think I gotta lot to deal with but here’s my question: how would you choose a name?  Dribbles

A – Wow dude, it sounds like your boat of life totally fucking ran aground on the shoals of sloppy fucking.  Too fucking bad.  You should encourage said girlfriend to exercise her woman’s right and get thing out of there before it’s too fucking late.  Assuming you’ve already had that conversation you could also consider emigrating to fucking France or something – someplace far away where no one is going to rat you our or give you shit or anything.

Let’s say you have considered both of these obvious options (wink, wink) and for whatever reason feel like it still makes sense to accept responsibility for your girlfriends unwillingness to listen.  So you want a baby name.  OK.  You can go one of two ways and the process is the same in both cases – it just depends on what you want.  Here’s how it works.  Go go google images.  Turn off safe search and put in a chick’s name.  If you want a slut, choose a name that has lots of naked chicks.  If you don’t want a slut find a name that doesn’t have any naked chicks right away

Slut names:

• Ambe
• April
• Ann
• Bobbi
• Bridget
• Brianna
• Cindy
• Carla
• Connie
• Donna
• Debbie
• Daisy
• Ellie
• Elizabeth
• Erika

Fuck, as much as I’d like to keep helping I think I need to go and jack off.  The bottom fucking line is that every name is a fucking slut name.  All I can fucking say it you should get your fucking hoses crimped and your girlfriend is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Weight, weight

Q – Hi.  I am kind of shy so please don’t use my name, OK?  I am a 34 year old woman and am a little overweight.  I’ve lost a lot but still can’t get that last pesky 30 pounds off.  One of my girlfriends at work said you have good advice so I’m sending you this note.  Sassy McCormick

A – First, you need some new fucking friends because I only give out rude bullshit advice and they’re fucking with you.  Second, how the fuck is 30 fucking pounds “pesky”?  Fuck, if I lost 30 pounds  I’d be a fucking skeleton or something.  But hey, I don’t mean to be fucking rude or shit – I like girls of every shape and fucking size so you stand as good a chance as anyone of becoming Ms. Hole.

Third – what the fuck is up with your name?  I know you asked me not to use it and shit but guess what – I’m an asshole.  You can’t tell me that’s your real fucking shit.  I’m not going to buy it – sorry.

But on to your fucking question.  Listen – like they fucking say – there’s more than one fucking way to skin a cat and when it comes to shedding a few unwanted pounds it’s totally a fucking snap.  Just cut off a leg.  That’s what I would do.  A leg has got to be 30 fucking pounds or something, right?  I’ll be that legs are like 30 pounds and arms are maybe 10.  That’s 80 fucking pounds of dead weight you can get rid of.

Before you go and say that it would cost too much to get your arms and legs cut off, let me suggest your open your fucking mind a little.  Don’t go to a doctor, they will charge you an arm and a leg (oh fuck am I fucking funny or what).  Just go to a vet or something and tell them you want the excess taken off.  I don’t think most of them would object or anything.  Seriously though, don’t have all four taken off – you need an arm at least for eating and wiping your ass and shit.

Let me know how the fuck it goes and seriously, your fucking friends are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I feel good

Q – Gotta a good one today.  What’s the best feeling in the world.  Lucky

A – Fuck man there are so many of them.  Getting a hummer, taking a piss, that 14th beer, a solid fucking bong hit, fuck, I could go for some kind of good fucking feeling right now – but today one stands out above all the rest.  It’s a little fucking something that I like to call – scientifically speaking – post-defecation elation.  You know what I’m fucking talking about.  You take a huge fucking dump and you feel 20 pounds fucking lighter.  I got off the fucking can earlier today with a forearm-sized shitsnake coiled in the bowl and a huge fucking grin on my face.

Thankfully I dropped this one in a public bathroom cause there was no fucking way it was going anywhere if you know what I mean.   I gave it a flush but it just fucking sat there.  I walked the fuck out with a happy little tune in my heart.  I love taking a good shit.

People who don’t sing the praises of their turds are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Crappy Hollow Weiner

Q – Hey buddy, what are you dressing up as for Halloween?  Dennis

A – I am going to be what I am every fucking year – and every fucking day – a fucking asshole.  Look, I got shit to do and shit like hallo-fucking-ween doesn’t fit with my fucking flavor.  Hanging around with my dick in one hand and a beer in the other is what I’m all the fuck about.  Giving little douche bags candy isn’t going to fucking happen.

I’ll be fucking honest with you – I do like free shit, so maybe I should go out and trick or treat a little.  And since I’m not a fucking kid I guess I should wear some kind of fucking costume.  Maybe I’ll be a fucking ghost.  I think I got a sheet.

One thing that does piss me the fuck off is the sheer fucking number of adults that wander around in costumes all fucking day today.  I mean shit.  I was on the fucking train and there were all these idiots dressed up – I hope they get called on the carpet and fucking fired today.  I would fucking crack me up to see some idiot dressed as a fucking M&M or something getting their ass chewed out.

Fucking people who take dressing up are fucking assholes.

Breaking News: Who Gives a Fuck

How fucking stupid are people? The answer is obvious – way fucking stupider than anyone can even fucking fathom. For stupid people they can’t understand because they’re really fucking stupid and for people who aren’t really stupid they can’t understand because they can’t fucking imagine how stupid people can be.

Let me give you one fucking example that made my balls tighten up and try to crawl back into my body to get way from all the stupidity around them. Let me give you a little fucking example:

Can you see the stupid fucking news?

The fact is there’s a shitload of stupid news on this fucking site, but for my money, the stupidest fucking story – and the one that matters the very fucking least is the fact that Lisa Marie Presley named her frigging twins. Holy fucking shit! Stop the presses! We gotta make sure all the fucking idiot douche bags have some fake fucking news to fill their empty fucking heads or they might think about something that matters by accident or something.

Finley and Harper – remember those names – they are critical bits of information idiots will need in the future. Maybe to win at some stupid trivia night a the douche bag bar they visit to try to forget how fucking empty and meaningless their lives are. Holy shit. How the fuck did we get so fucking stupid? Really people – who even gives a shit that some poor bastard had the misfortune to fuck Lisa Marie?

Man, what the fuck is going on here.

Dear A-Hole – Yellow Rain

Q – Asshole, this is kind of embarrassing but I figure it’s safe to bring up using a fake name.  Today I had a big meeting at my office.  Just before the meeting I went to the bathroom.  Unfortunately, I didn’t shake well and ended up with a big dark piss stain on the front of my khakis.  Thankfully I was able to hide it – but good gracious it was touch and go!  Louis Leaky

A – You’re a fucking douche bag.  Exhibit a) khakis?  what they fuck are you, some kind of fucking jungle explorer or something?  Exhibit b) a “big” meeting.  WFT, were you like solving the fucking money problems or just playing grabass with yourself in the fucking janitor’s closet?  Exhibit c) “safe using a fake name” and then using “Louis Leaky” – that’s so fucking dumb it hurts.  Exhibit d) “good gracious.”

Buddy, you got a lot more to fucking worry about than a little piss on the front of your fucking asshole pants.  Try taking a little time to reflect on what a piece of shit you probably are.  Listen, that piss was like the real you trying to get the fuck out of the hell you’ve created fro yourself.  It was like a little of you saying, “hey, don’t forget me – I used to be cool and could drink all night and didn’t care if I pissed my fucking pants.”

Me?  I don’t give a shit.  If I get a little piss on my pants who cares.  If anyone says anything I look down and say something like, “Goddammit, I told that fucking slut to swallow.”  That usually stops the conversation dead in its fucking tracks.

But seriously, sober guys who piss their pants (like you) are fucking assholes.

Under my fucking skin

So you know how sometimes something just fucking bends you so out of shape you’re totally fucked by it?  That’s what this stupid fucking magic guys does to me.  I don’t know why but he fucking pisses me off with he stupid fucking hat and glasses and stupid fucking lame ass tricks.  Here, for your fucking shitty entertainment is this assholes latest pike of crap:

I don’t care what anyone says, this guy is an asshole.  Please, if you have a fucking chance, tell him so.  Maybe he’ll get the fucking message and just fucking quit.

What an asshole

A few fucking days ago some cock head wrote to me about fucking magic and shit and I went out and found the stupidest fucking lame ass magic douche bag i could find.  Guess what – the guy really is a fucking idiot.  Here’s another fucking video to prove it.  He also has a fucking blog that I think is dumb.  Please flood him with fucking comments telling him he sucks.  I fucking hate morons.

Dear A-Hole – Magic is for Asshats

Q – Hi Hole – I was watching magic on YouTube today and found myself asking, hey, what does N.A. Hole have to say about magic?  So here I am writing to ask you: what do you think about magic.  Nancy Drew

A – Well “Nancy” if that is your real fucking name (which I fucking doubt), I think magic is for sap, stooges and suckers; and anyone with half a fucking brain could figure that out in a fucking second.  I mean shit, I looked around on YouTube to find the stupidest trick I could find to make my fucking point.  Check out this cock hole:

Does he think everyone is as mentally deficient as he is?  Hello asshole – we all fucking  understand how fucking pause works.  He might want to do a little re-fucking-flection before he tries his next trick – unless it’s making himself vanish.

I guess the one fucking upside to magic and shit online is that you don’t have to fucking watch it or anything.  Not like when some assclown send a fucking magicgram to you for your birthday or you get dragged to a fucking magic show or something.  I’ll be honest, I have never had either thing happen to me – first because I hate magic, second because magic is dumb and third because only fucking assholes are into this shit.

I hope I answered your question “Nancy,” the bottom line is that anyone who likes fucking magic is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – What Kind of People Suck

Q – Dude, the other day I was out riding my scooter when this fugly MILF almost creams me in her SUV.  The worst part was that she has this sticker on her window, “Kind People Rule.”  What kind of person would want to run me over?  WTF.  Gibber

A – Dude – a chick can’t be fugly and a fucking MILF at the same time unless you like fucking ugly chicks and shit.  So she cut you off – cry me a fucking river.  You’re a fucking pussy for riding a fucking scooter in the first fucking play you lame little scrot bag.  I will agree that there’s something maybe kind of fucking ironic about the sticker.  It made me fucking think, “what fucking KIND of PERSON” was she? That’s easy – a fucking  cunt.

I fucking hate people who go out and mouth off about what hot fucking shit they are and then go and act like total douche nozzles.  This is a prime fucking example.  Too bad you weren’t on a real bike that you could have caught up with her and smashed a window with a chain or lock or something.  “Bad news bitch, I’m not fucking kind.”  HAHAHAHAHAHA

People do drive like pricks are assholes.