True Fucking Story

So last fucking night I was in this fucking dive.  Being here in Kickassachusetts I stood in front and smoked some weed.  (That’s right restofthefuckingcountry, we can smoke dope all the time here.)  I went in an started to get fucking plastered and shit.  Anyway, I was standing there when a fucking foul-ass fart slipped out of my ass and wreaked havoc on the place.

This one dude, it’s first victim, called this other guy over so he’d have to smell it.  That led to the two of them arguing about who had done it.  Meanfuckingwhile I just stood there drinking my beer.  The think crept up the floor toward the stage, sending people gasping.  The dude who smelled it second went to work as a fucking town crier or something, running around like a douche bag warning people that it was coming.  This of course convinced more people that it was him.

I was there with this hot chick that I know pretty well.  She was cracking up about what was fucking happening and almost pissed her pants when I told her it was really me.

I love fucking farting and anyone who says they don’t are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – What are you, fucking colorblind?

Q – Simple question A. Hole – what is up w/ people who step in the break when the light is green.  I’ll take my answer off the air. Jackson

A – Dude, first of all, you’re a fucking asshole for saying your take your answer off the fucking air.  Are you trying to be cute or are you just a fucking idiot?  Either way, even though you fucking suck your question is good because I fucking hate that shit too.

It fucking happens all the fucking time.  Some old cock gobbler will be the fuck in front of me (back when I had a fucking car that is) and they’d be stepping on the fucking break like the got $5 every time they fucking did.  Guess what jackass?  You don’t.  You don’t fucking need to slow down or stop at a green fucking light.  It annoys me so fucking much that I have a little song I like to sing:

Light is fucking green

Green means fucking go

It doesn’t mean fucking stop

Or go fucking slow

Asshole

The fucking thing that sucks is that you can’t just ram into the fucking pussies because you know the fucking cops and shitty insurance agencies will come down on you like a hammer with all kinds of shit about rear ending people and crap.  I say fuck you insurance companies.  You’re just a bunch of fucking asshole douche bags that want to screw everyone with your fucking shitty policies and shit.  They want and want and want and take and take and fucking take but as soon as you have a fucking problem they disappear like a fucking drunk virgin at a frat party.

Take what happened to me once.  I was driving home from a fucking bar and shit and I had to swerve to miss a deer or cat or squirrel or something in the fucking road.  When I did I hit a fucking car that was practically parked in the middle of the fucking road.  I made it home OK but the next fucking day my car was a fucking wreck and later on the fucking cops came by.

They started giving me shit about leaving the scene of an accident and shit.  They wanted to know if I’d been drinking and I offered to do a breath test right there in my living room.  (Which I fucking passed by the way.)  I went out the car with them and got my license and shit out of the glove thing and they took my name and shit.

Turns out the other car was pretty fucked up but I don’t think it was all my fault – I think that guy probably had a bunch of damage already and had parked in the middle of the fucking road to try to get someone to crash into it so he could get it fixed.  I’ll fucking bet he even let out his pet raccoon or whatever it was to make e fucking swerve.

So I told this fucking asshole to talk to the fucking insurance company and I guess they payed him and stuff but then they sent some uptight prick investigator douche to check up on my fucking story.  The guy was a total cocksucker.  He went to all the fucking bars and shit until some liar said I’d been in there.  Then he said there were no fucking skid marks or anything so he thought maybe I didn’t try to avoid a turtle in the road or something.  It was all just fucking weasel bullshit so they could get out of paying and also jack up my fucking insurance.

Well the fucking joke was on them.  My car was so fucking trashed that I just parked it someplace and took a bus home.  I canceled my fucking policy and everything.  Screw them.

Fucking shitty drivers who step on the fucking breaks at green lights – AND the asshole insurance companies that punish people for nothing – are all a bunch for fucking assholes.

Dear Asshole – A question a dick asks

Q – Deary – can you help me?  I am something of a shutterbug and the other day while snapping candid pics at a local watering hole some jamoke came over to ask what I thought I was doing.  I showed him my pictures and he left but I was still ticked off.  Any advice?  Weejee Jr.

A – What the fuck are you talking about?  Shutterbug? Jamoke?  What the fuck year do you think it is?  Jesus Christ, it’s 2000-fucking-8 update your fucking vocabulary or something.

Now about your fucking question.  Here’s what I’d fucking do: nothing.  Don’t even fucking hear what assholes like this are saying.  Drink your beer, talk to your friends, take more pictures, whatever.  Most of the time douche bags will leave but the really big ones won’t – and they’re the best fucking kind.

Let them get pissed off, let them lay a fucking finger on you or your shit.  As soon as they do take their fucking picture.  That will piss them off more.  Be as fucking innocent as you can.  Say, “dude, you want to fucking touch me, go for it – punch me a few times.  I’m here with people, I have your picture and I’d love to see you arrested for assault.”  Smile.  Smiling is important.  Take another fucking picture of him or two.

If they keep going you know you have a fucking winner.  Get ready to leave and put your camera away.  (Make sure to take the memory stick out an put it someplace safe.)  If they follow you that’s fine.  If they start shoving you around even better.  Don’t raise a fucking hand just take it – a few punches, you’ll fucking live.  And if they smash your camera too – even fucking better.

They’ll wear out or you’ll hit the ground or something and the hard part (for you) will be fucking over.  The assholes hard time will be just about to start.  Call the police.  You can do this at any point but it’s best AFTER.  When they arrive calmly explain what happened and (if your camera still works) show them the guy who did it.  Take them into the bar.  Make sure everyone sees you all beat up with the cops.

If they’re gone the cops will find them and if they’re stupid enough to still be there the cops will arrest them.  They’ll get to spend some time being gang raped in prison, you’ll get a good story and maybe a new camera and shit.  Everyone comes out a winner.  Trust me, it’s a sound fucking plan.

People who pester strangers in bars are assholes.