Dear A-Hole – You in the fucking money or what?

Q – Dear N, I was just wondering, how are all of your investments doing during this latest stock market “adjustment”?  And on a related note, how do you assess the Red Sox’ chances in the ALCS?  Dennis

A – Well fuck Dennis, I am rolling in cash the way a pig rolls in shit.  That is if by cash you mean shit and by rolling you mean rolling.  I don’t have two fucking thin dimes on a good fucking day so on a bad day you can imagine how fucking little I have.  Guess what?  I don’t have any fucking investments – the fucking joke is on  all you losers who bought into the fucking retirement jive and shit.  See since I hardly work I hardly get any cash so when I do get some it flies out of my hand and into Joe Dope Dealers pocket before it even has a chance to get comfortable.  Given how fucking shitty everything is, I’d say weed is a pretty fucking wise investment.

Onto the Red Sox.  Pretty fucking sweet week for the Beantown Nine.  Little touch and go the other day but fuckin’ A they made it.  Given the fact that they beat the Halos, I’m pretty fucking confident that they’ll manage to beat the Rays.  Hey, on the Rays – I fucking love the Diamond Backs.  Why?  Because when people refer to them as the “D-Backs” it always sounds like D-Bags and that’s what the fucking Tampon Bay Rays are – a bunch of fucking douche bags.

Hey folks, the people who fucked all this shit up are a bunch of fucking assholes and if you’re losing sleep over it you are too.  Lighten up, light up and let it go.

Dear A-Hole – Bed Sox Baseball

Q – So A-hole, the first Red Sox game of the year is on now. You get up early for it? Ha, I bet not you lazy dope. Papi Pal

A – Fuckin’ A, getting up early – now that would have been a good fucking call. I fucking stayed up all night and I’m being rewarded by a fucking Douche-K ballfest. I’m so fucking tired that I keep fucking falling asleep and shit. Crashed on my couch, a fucking mess. Been drinking fucking beers all night – which isn’t helping me stay the fuck awake.

Why the fuck are they doing this fucking bleary eyed bullshit baseball? I fucking love the Red Sox more than my fucking hot neighbor (who still won’t fucking suck my dick by the way, no matter how often I fucking suggest it) but this shit sucks. Japan is fucking good for sushi and shit but for baseball? It’s just too fucking early over there.

It must have the fucking players balls all knotted up and shit to be getting up this early too. All I’ve fucking had to do today is drink beers and play with myself. They’ve probably had to drink beers, play with themselves AND get dressed and shit. If they weren’t making all the fucking money in the goddamn world I MIGHT feel bad for them but fuck it, they do make a shitload of money so they can get up early and do their shit over in Japan. I just wish they’d do it later.

Whoever came up with this start-the-season-in-Japan shit is a fucking asshole

Asshole of the Week – The Cocket

Some people suck more in some fucking places than in others.  And some fucking people just fucking suck.  This week’s Asshole of the Week fucking sucks in most places; but here in Boston, he’s a fucking special case.  His athletic prowess – especially early in his career – was something to behold.  But his dickery as his career unfolded was pretty fucking annoying.  And now we find out that not only is this cocksucker an asshole but he’s also a fucking douche bag cheater as well.

Of all the fucking names found in the Mitchell Report, none warmed the cockles of my bitter fucking heart more than this week’s fucking winner.  The on again/off again nature of my hate affair with this bung hole has mostly been on for many fucking years and now I suspect that most of America (if not the fucking world) will be ready to jump on the fucking hatewagon.  So who could this ass licker be?  (As if you haven’t already guesssed . . .)

That’s fucking right, this week’s Asshole of the Week is none other than Roger “I love to shove my thumb up my fucking ass” Clemens.  This guy is to assholes what Air Supply is to fucking hair bands – the fucking worst of the worst.

Now some may say that he’s only getting this award because I am a Red Sox fan and it’s just bitter fucking grapes since he chose the bend the Yankees over and fuck them this past season instead of coming back to his fucking roots and closing out his career here in Boston (like he was fucking planning to close out his career at all, what with the juice and all).  Nay, nay, I say, I think all fans can agree that he’s a fucking dick, douche bag, cock sucker, mother fucker, ass muncher, cock gobbler, balloon knot, etc., etc., etc., regardless of one’s home team.

I can only fucking hope that we are all ready to boo this dumb bastard down wherever he shows his fucking lame-ass face in the future.

So congratulations Roger, you can add Asshole of the Week to your fucking tainted Cy Young Awards.  Nice work asshole.