Q – Hey – hoping you canhelp me understand a really frustrating situation. Whenever I am out it seems like I suddenly need to take a crap. But every bathroom is for customers and I can’t use them. Help! Emile
A – So let me ask something – are you a guy or a girl? I mean is your name like a stupid French name or a stupid spelling for Emily?
Your fucking problem sucks. But it can be solved. Here are a few fucking ideas. First, take a crap before you go out. That way your fucking colon will be empty and you won’t need to shit while you’re out. That assumes you have access to a toilet before going out – which I guess might not be the case. If not, find a secluded spot in the woods or something and take a dump there.
Second, just use the fucking bathroom. Do you really give a shit if the sign says for customers only? Hell, you might have been a customer in the past and you might be one in the future. Just grab a seat and shed some brown pounds. What are they going to fucking do? Chase you out with a turd hanging out of you like a fucking tail? I don’t think so.
Third, you could just shit your pants. Who gives a fuck? Just open up the sluice gates and let it flow. Be sure to hang out in whatever store has every told you no in the fucking past. You stinking the fucking place up with a load of new-laid crap steaming in your pants will be a fucking hit.
Look, a persons got to do what they have to fucking do – and anyone that tries to stop them is a fucking asshole.
