Dear A-Hole – I feel good

Q – Gotta a good one today.  What’s the best feeling in the world.  Lucky

A – Fuck man there are so many of them.  Getting a hummer, taking a piss, that 14th beer, a solid fucking bong hit, fuck, I could go for some kind of good fucking feeling right now – but today one stands out above all the rest.  It’s a little fucking something that I like to call – scientifically speaking – post-defecation elation.  You know what I’m fucking talking about.  You take a huge fucking dump and you feel 20 pounds fucking lighter.  I got off the fucking can earlier today with a forearm-sized shitsnake coiled in the bowl and a huge fucking grin on my face.

Thankfully I dropped this one in a public bathroom cause there was no fucking way it was going anywhere if you know what I mean.   I gave it a flush but it just fucking sat there.  I walked the fuck out with a happy little tune in my heart.  I love taking a good shit.

People who don’t sing the praises of their turds are assholes.

Dear A-Hole: You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

Q – Asshole? WTF? Where do you keep vanishing to all the time now? You used to be as reliable as a Swiss watch. Now you show up every few weeks. What gives? Tammi

A – What gives? I dunno. I fucking get busy and shit sometimes you know? I mean do you have any idea how many hours can be spent sitting in your fucking boxers with your fucking dick in one hand and a beer or a bong in the other? Let me tell you – it’s a-fucking-lot. Jesus, if I could it would be all I’d fucking do. Just getting wasted and jacking off . . .

Tammi, that’s a chick’s name, right? So listen, what would be even better than jacking off would be to have someone like you hanging around – you know – to fucking fuck or blow me and stuff. I was thinking about putting some fucking signs up and shit to see if I could find some hot blow monkey or something but that would mean putting on pants and going outside and shit. As it is, I can just sit around and not even fucking bother getting dressed.

And guess what? I don’t even need fucking money. I mean I need a little and all but here’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months and shit. I couch surf with fucking friends. That’s right, I don’t even have a fucking place anymore. And now I don’t have to pay any fucking bills and I hardly have to pay for fucking food. I am a fucking bum. I do nothing and I do it fucking well. I guess I kinda wear out my welcome sometimes – especially when I stay with people that have straight fucking jobs.

The other day I got kicked out by a friends wife cause I’d been sitting in the living room in the same chair in the same fucking boxers, for three days. I had a warm 30-pack of Busch (which blows big time but it was free) and a roll or paper towels. When she walked in with the baby the other day it was like she blew a fucking gasket or something. She starts screaming for her (obviously emasculated) husband and he’s all like “sorry man” and shit. WTF. I’m not gonna be naming fucking names but I can’t tell you how many times I let this little pussy smoke my weed for free. Asshole.

It’s kind of shitty in some ways – not having a fixed fucking abode any more – but it gives me so much fucking freedom and shit. No job, no home, no fucking bills or anything. Just me and the fucking generosity of my fucking friends. Really, when you think about it, it isn’t fucking shitty at all – it fucking rules big time.

Anyone not down with taking care of N.A. Hole for a while is an asshole. Just like my douche bag friend’s fucking uptight bitch of a wife.

Dear A-Hole: Vagin-ale

Q – Hey Mr. Hole – can you help a brother out?  I am taking some dumbass class and need to come up with a kick-ass idea for a new product or something but I am tapped out of good idea . . . Cory

A – Damn, what a fucking idiotic thing to fucking ask me for help with.  Listen, I am a low-life asshole who barely graduated high school.  It’s not that I’m not one of the fucking smartest people you’re likely to meet, it’s just that I don’t – in the fucking words of anyone who’s ever fucking met me – “apply myself.”   But listen Cory, today is your lucky fucking day because I decided to give your question some hard thinking and I have a perfect fucking idea: Vagin-ale.

I was at a buddy’s house over the weekend drinking and getting baked.  This dude showed up with a keg of beer that he fucking made.  It was fucking good.  So we drank like five gallons of the shit and were well fucked up.  The beer was good and all but the guy wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how he made it and what was in it and why it was fucking better than regular beer, blah, blah, blah.  I kinda blocked him out after a while (but kept drinking his shit).

Then the next day I was hoping to bang my fucking girlfriend but she was all iffy about it cause she said she had a yeast infection or something.  That reminded me of that dude’s beer because you need fucking yeast to make beer.  For whatever reason I thought about your fucking problem and the wheels started turning in my head: what if you made beer with the yeast from a fucking yeast infection?  You could call it Vagin-ale or Vagin-ale Discharge or something.

The fucking label could have a picture of a fucking pussy with beer flowing out of it or something.  It would be fucking awesome and I’ll bet people would fucking love it.  You could even put a picture of the chick whose fucking yeast you used right on the bottle and say something like, “from Claire’s  pussy to your mouth – Vagin-ale.” (You could use anyone’s name here – Claire just popped into my head.)

I think this is a totally awesome fucking idea and I’ll bet you’d get a fucking A if you used this for your fucking class.  I didn’t bother doing any fucking looking around to see if anyone is already doing it (they probably are since it’s such a good fucking idea and so obvious) but that can be your job, OK?  The only thing I ask is that if you do this you tell people that N.A. Hole helped a little.

People who don’t like awesome beer ideas like this one are assholes.

Asshole of the Week – Early, Late, You Can Choose

So you’re probably fucking wondering where I’ve fucking been.  I mean shit, It’s been a while since I fucking posted anything.  Well I’ll fucking tell you what – I’ve been right fucking here.  So why haven’t I written anything?  The answer to that is the fucking Asshole of the Week.

Usually I choose some fucking newsmaker or something, or a fucking celebrity.  Not this fucking time.  This week’s (or last fucking week’s) Asshole of the Fucking Week is a now ex-fucking friend of mine Chris the Asshole.  Why is Chris a fucking asshole?  Because he fucked up my computer last week.  For real fucked it up.

Here’s the fucking deal.  I’m not the richest motherfucker you’re going to meet.  In fact, most of my shit is pretty fucking shitty.  Except for one fucking thing – my computer.  I fucking saved up some money (OK, a lot of fucking money) and bought myself a MacBook Pro a couple of years ago.  It was like a couple of thousand dollars and shit which is no small change for me.

I fucking love my computer and carry the fucking thing everywhere.  Last week I brought it with me to a fucking party at Chris the Asshole’s fucking house.  I didn’t have it out or anything until Chris the Asshole asked me to take it out to show some of his fucking friends something.  (It might have been this site actually now that I come to think about it – I was pretty fucked up at the time.)

Anyway, I took it out and leeched some dumb motherfucker in the building’s WiFi.  It was all fucking good and people were having fun online and shit.  Then Chris the Asshole – a fucking drunk oaf – comes lumbering close and tried to get to the keyboard – to do what I don’t fucking know.  I was cool with it  – I mean my system is pretty fucking important to me but I’m not a fucking dick or anything about it.

So fucking Chris the Asshole sits down and starts going to YouTube and shit and showing people fucking stupid videos blah, blah, blah.  He wants to get everyone’s fucking attention to make them watch one so he stands up and starts shouting at everyone.  They gather around to see and as he turns to fucking start it he dropped his fucking beer right onto the computer.

I’m not talking like a little fucking splash or anything, I’m talking about a full fucking red plastic party cup of cold beer.  It feel right onto the fucking keyboard – but not to one side or the other or anything; the opening faced the fucking screen to ensure the maximum amount of beer would shlosh back onto the keyboard.

Instantly the fucking screen goes black and the system just fucking stopped.  Chris the Asshole is standing there dumb for a fucking second and then he starts fucking laughing like it’s the fucking funniest fucking thing he’s ever fucking seen.  Me and everyone else were just fucking silent and shit.  I mean holy fuck – that was my fucking computer this douche bag just fucking fried.

He starts wiping the keyboard with his shirt and says it will be fine once it dries out.  Then he picks it up and starts shaking the fucking thing.  Beer just pours out of it – like 16 ounces of beer.  Guess what?  Wiping it off and shaking it didn’t fix the fucking problem.  I was ready to fucking kill him and took a fucking swing at him but he’s like way bigger than me and started beating on me instead like it was my fucking fault.

People pulled him off me and I got my shit together and just fucking left.  I tried fixing it myself but no fucking dice.  Chris the Asshole called me the next fucking day (Saturday) to say he was sorry and to ask if my computer was OK.  I told him it was fucking ruined thanks to him being such a fucking drunk asshole.

He says he’s going to fucking replace it but how the fuck is he going to do that?  I mean this guy makes me look like a fucking genius.  So now I am sans computer and it fucking sucks.  I am using one at this chick Brenda’s house at the moment but WTF?  Chris the Asshole keeps leaving me messages every day and texting me and shit to say he’s really going to fix things but I’ll fucking believe it when I see it.

So for being such a drunk fucking oaf, Chris the Asshole is this week’s Asshole of the Fucking Week now and for fucking ever.  So if you don’t see me fucking posting as much, blame Chris the Asshole.  The guy is a total fucking prick and isn’t going to be anything but that to me until I have my fucking computer back.

He fucking sucks.

Dear A-Hole – Do anything good this weekend?

Q – Hi A-hole, Courtney here, thanks for your note.  It’s late on Sunday and I was thinking about you.  Did you do anything good this weekend?

A – Now normally I wouldn’t treat this like a regular fucking question that people send me; but since I did have a pretty fucking fun weekend I figured I’d use it as an excuse to write about it.  On fucking Friday I went out on a date.  This chick I know (and like) – we went out for dinner at a bar.  That was fine and shit.  On Saturday I can’t remember what I fucking did – mostly nothing I guess which if fucking OK with me.  On fucking Sunday though I had an awesome fucking day.  I got tickets to the Patriot’s game and so went down to Foxboro.

I guess you could fucking say that I’m a sports fan but usually the Pat’s are too rich for my blood.  That’s why when someone GIVES me fucking tickets I cancel any pre-existing plans and start planning for football.  That’s what fucking happened this time.  This guy I know got some tickets from his work and he called me on Sunday morning to see if I wanted to go.  It was kind of short fucking notice if you ask me but I’m not one to look a gift horse in the fucking mouth.

He swung by my place with some buddies and we got to the stadium before kickoff.  No one had fucking thought to get food or shit together so our tailgate (after sitting in traffic for a fucking hour or something) was standing by the trunk drinking beers and getting stoned.  It wasn’t fucking bad but it wasn’t fucking good either.  Of course by the time we got to the stadium we were all totally fucking hungry, had to take leaks, find more beer, etc.

Doing all that shit took a while so we didn’t actually sit down till like the end of the first quarter.  When we got there the Pats were fucking losing 7-3 (they were playing the Bills).  None of us were fucking expecting that shit so it kind of sucked.  I think they know that though because the quickly turned that shit around and by the half it was fucking 17-7 Pats.  By this point, we all fucking needed more beer and food and shit so we went out of our seats.

I’ll tell you what – there are  a shit load or people at Pats games.  It was like a fucking sea of fucking people down by the shitters and stuff so we decided to stand around and smoke some butts.  That was a good fucking choice since there were so many hot fucking chicks wandering around and we all enjoyed checking them out.  I got some good fucking pictures.  The only thing that was a fuck up was that they stop selling beer in the third quarter so we couldn’t get any more.

The greatest moment of football awesomeness came in the fourth fucking quarter with a Randy Moss reception and TD.  Good fucking thing he’s tall and has long fucking arms.  That made the score 38-7.  We stumbled the fuck out of the park and headed back to the car.  Of course everyone got separated so it took a fucking while.  We stood around drinking more beer and then headed over to the guy whose car it was (Andy) to get some food.

We got some steaks at this fucking Brazilian store near his house (and an eyeful of Brazilian hotties) and went and grilled them up.  It was fucking good (even though I’m still fucking burping it up this morning).  We also kept up the drinking and the fucking smoking well into the fucking night (which I kind of wish we hadn’t done with so much fucking gusto now that I’m awake again).

There’s no way to have anything bad to say about Sunday.  The weather was fucking perfect, I got to go to a Pats game for nothing, there were hot chicks in abundance – along with food, beer and weed – AND the Pats fucking won.  So did I do anything fucking good this weekend?  You fucking tell me.  Only an asshole would have a shitty time yesterday.