Dear A-Hole – Time Flies – Celebs Dies

Q – Hasta La Vista NA?  So can’t help notice that there have been some tragic celeb deaths in recent days.  Given your feeling on celebrities, how does this all make you feel?  Cornhuskie

A – From some fucking song I think I heard in a douche bag commercial or something, “I’m walking on fucking sunshine.”  All of these dead and dying celebrities make more room for the deserving non-celebrities.  More fucking air for the rest us is what I fucking say!

Let’s look at last weeks rollcall in a bit more fucking detail, shall we?

Farah: Look, I’ll be honest, I probably beat my fucking meat to her poster more than a few fucking times.  I missed Charlie’s Angels when she was on it because I’m not fucking old.  But still, I think she would have looked hot sporting some of my man-chowder across her face.  Sorry she died and shit.

Michael Jackson: Grade-A freakazoidal douchbag.  WFT?  The fucking guy tries to change fucking races, bang fucking kids, keeps a fucking pet monkey and shit, acts like the freak to end all freaks and then pulls a Hank fucking Williams Sr.  It’s been fucking years (at fucking least) since I heard one of his shitty songs.  Even this past week with him being dead and all I managed not to hear even one little fucking bit.  Yay for me.

Billy Mays: You all know my fucking lifestyle – I stay up all night getting baked, jacking off, etc.  I also consume shitty TV the way some people drink water.  And there’s nothing surer about shitty TV than that you’re going to see Billy fucking Mays trying to sell you some shit.  I remember once I was fucking MESSED UP on shrooms or acid or something and suddenly felt this fucking connection with Billy.  I’m not trying to sound gay or anything but I fucking loved the guy.  There was just something about the way he was talking that fucking night that made a lot of fucking sense.  I can’t even remember what the fucking he was talking about but fuck – it really meant a lot to me at least.

Thankfully, none of these deaths was a personal tragidy for me.  I know that for some people life fucking has lost it’s fucking meaning since these bags bit it – not me baby.  I’m all about having a good fucking time and not giving two goat fucks about celebrities – living or fucking dead.

People who give a shit about this shit are fucking assholes.

Dear Asshole – Red Carpet Rant

Q – So NA – tonight’s the night that Tinseltown comes out to pat itself on the collective back.  What will you be doing while the rest of America is mesmerized the the <sarcasm>style, grace and beauty of the talented talented people</sarcasm>?  Chris

A – I added the fucking sarcasm tags for you Chris because we’re friends and I know you’re fucking joking (at least you better fucking be).  Here’s a list of the fucking things I am considering doing tonight instead of watching the fucking shit coming out of fucking Assywood.

1. Fart and breathe deep
2. Jack off till my dick looks like it’s been boiled
3.  Smoke all my week then switch to fucking parsley and shit
4. Take a crap, take some laxatives, take another crap
5. Do some crimes
6. Wax my ass (hey, I may be an asshole but I’m still vain)
7. Did I mention jack off?
8. Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink – puke – drink, drink, drink, drink
9. Snap off car antennas
10. Probably jack off

It’s going to be a shitty fucking night and there’s no two ways around it.  I know that people will probably be wanting to watch this shit and if anyone tries to do it around me they’re going to have to put up with me being a total fucking dick.  And I don’t me witty asides about this or that shit stain celebrities dress.

No, they’re going to have to listen to me explaining HOW MUCH I HATE CELEBRITIES, how much they suck, why they should be fucking sent to a fucking special colony for douche bags at the bottom of the fucking sea.  Me repeatedly telling them to turn it off, me talking really fucking loud over the fucking show.  Me standing in front of the TV facing them doing my own version of an anti-celebrity filabuster.

In short, I will be pulling out all the stops to make sure I do my part in raining on these asshole’s parade.  Please tell me you’ll do the fucking same.

Dear A-Hole – Best News Ever?

Q – I don’t know if you saw this darling but when I came across it I thought of you – Hep A Crashes Ashton Kutcher’s Birthday Party.  Donna.

A – Thanks Donna, you have no fucking idea how hard my dick just got. Since I don’t read the fucking Wall Street Journal I hadn’t heard about this but man and I fucking happy.  I hope all of the fucking shitholes celebrities that were at this fucking colon’s party get fucking sick and shit.

The only thing about fucking Hep A is that it isn’t fucking fatal.  Some of the symptoms are pretty fucking lame – headache, nausea, tiredness – crap that lazybone douche bag celebs whine about all the fucking time.

There were plenty of these scrot bags there – Bruce Willis, Madonna, Gweneth Paltrow, Demi Moore, and – of course – Ashton Kutcher.  All of these people are asshole; except maybe Ashton Kutcher – but only because he might have gotten all the other fucks sick.

Dear A-Hole – I <3 Matthew McConaughey

Q – Mister Hole, I know you live in Boston and I do too (maybe we should get together some time ;-O) and I saw on the news that MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is here doing a movie. I wish we was doing me! What celebrity would you most like to have sex with. Nina

A – Is this like the first fucking time you’ve ever read this fucking blog? I assume not since you seem to know that I live in Boston. But if you had half a fucking brain you would know that I FUCKING HATE CELEBRITIES!

But before I go fucking nuts on your sorry fucking ass for that idiotic infraction, let me address some of the more annoying aspects of your fucking email.

1) I fucking hate those fucking triangle 3 things to make fucking hearts.  H.A.T.E. them – and you used one.  Asshole.

2) If you were the last fucking woman on earth and I was the only fucking man and if the only fucking thing that would save both our lives was fucking hanging out with you I would choose to fucking die.  You may be hot, “nice” and all that other fucking shit but the fact that you think about celebrities makes my fucking dick shrivel.

3) The fact that you imagine fucking celebrities makes me want to fucking puke.  Do you also imagine them taking dumps, or puking, or seeing their fucking doctor about hemorrhoids?  I’ll bet you fucking do.

So which celebrity would I like to fuck?  A dead one, yeah, let me at some dead celeb’s fucking cadaver and I’ll go to fucking town.  Not that I would ever fuck a dead person (that’s just fucked up) but I like dead celebrities more than live ones.  Not that I think the stars and shitheads of the past were somehow fucking better than they are today but just because they’re dead.

Hey Nina, you’re a fucking asshole.