Wanna take a shit

You know what fucking sucks?  Needing to take a fucking crap and there not being a single fucking bathroom in sight.  That’s what’s happening to me this very fucking second.  I can feel the shit building up but there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it.  Sure I’ve crapped my pants from time-to-time but I’m talking to this fucking chick who has no fucking idea what I’m writing or even that I need to shit.  She’s so fucking hot.  This fucking sucks.

Dear A-Hole – Dancing Fool

Q – Hey A-Hole: I was out the other night at a local night spot and was forced to endure watching this old guy “shake his thang” (literally) with some sweet young thing.  Is this gross or what.  Tanisha

A – I think i need more fucking information to give you a good answer on this – but from the sounds of it that old dude had the right fucking idea.  Shit, what fucking guy doesn’t want to rub is fucking junk all over the twisting body of some hot chick?  I know I sure do.  In fact – I would rather stroke my cock against some woman than do just about anything else and any guy that says otherwise is just a fucking loser and a liar.

Now does that mean I want to watch some shriveled old hump putting on the moves?  Fuck no!  I don’t want to see dudes do anything.  I want it to me me who’s in action.  And if I gotta see someone else doing the hipsway I sure as hell don’t want it to be some piss-stinky old-timer.  Fucking chicks need to stop giving these fucks the time of day – first because it cuts into my fucking enjoyment (girls – if you want to dance, please dance with other girls and please feel free to make out at the same time), second because it distracts the girls from seeing me (which is a fucking shame) and three it makes these old douche bags think that maybe, just maybe, they aren’t going to be left with their dick in their hand at home alone (guess what fuck – you are).

Imagine you’re the fucking chick who thinks it’s cool to have gramps grinding his shriveled old cock against your ass – here’s what you can look forward to: a half a boner digging into your ass and side; dry, paper-like hands grabbing everywhere, awkward attempts at kisses.  If I were a fucking chick (and I’m not) I would steer way the fuck clear of these dancing douche bags and head over to a fine looking example of guy – one N.A. Hole would be ideal.  Fuck, is some chick wants to swap body fluids I am a MUCH better fucking choice that the shit bags you see on some crappy club’s dance floor.

Face it, old guys who dance and the dumb chicks that dance with them are assholes.  Fuck them.

Dear A-Hole – Me me me me me me me me me

Q – Asshole – I was trying to get on the subway the other day and there was a family with two kids in a STROLLER taking up a ton of room.  It was RUSH HOUR mind you and I – and my fellow passengers – thought it was very very rude.  Cicily

A – That’s really fucking annoying.  But then so are you.  First let’s look at the fucking situation – any time some fucking piece of shit consumes more than their fair fucking share it fucking sucks shit.  Especially if what they are taking is my slice of the fucking pie.  I’d even go further than bitching about fucking babies and their fucking crap (all of which I hate like fucking cancer or something); let me add a few more fucking things that suck on trains:

• People in fucking wheelchairs – they take up a shit load of fucking space.  People in electric wheelchairs suck even more since they think they own the fucking road with their little Lark and Rascal Douche Bag movers
• People with fucking walkers – god they fucking suck – bumping into you and shit – and they’re so fucking slow – and half the time they’re fucking drooling and shit and tottering around like they’re going to croak at any fucking second
• Smug douche bags with their little fucking folding bikes – why the fuck are these cockholes even on the fucking train; ride you bike asshole
• Blind people – with their fucking sticks banking into people fucking legs and shit – two words: fuck you  (I mean shit, if I got onto a train and hit someone with a stick I’d be in deep shit – they get fucking misplaced fucking sympathy)
• Fucking totally fat people – they just take up way too fucking much space.  When the fucking drop their extra ample asses on the little benches it’s like a trash bag filled with fucking pudding spreading to fill all the available space.
• People with fucking luggage and shit – if you have the money to travel get a fucking taxi, OK?  None of us are impressed with you crap filling the fucking car.
• People who shit or piss themselves or smell be in general – I fucking hate having to smell someone else’s fucking stick.  Take a fucking shower AND a piss AND a fucking shit BEFORE you take the fucking train.
• Ugly fucking people – one of the best fucking things about public transportation is the fucking eye candy – especially in the fucking summer when it’s all hot out and shit and girls dress like they want to fuck right now.  That fucking vibe can be spoiled in a fucking second if you have to look on some ugly chick.  Gross.

If we could get these fuckwads off the trains life would fucking rock.  That’s not going to fucking happen though because these people are asshole and there are like 1,000,000 assholes for every non-asshole.  It fucking sucks.

Boston fucking sucks

So I live here in Boston and shit and usually am a big fucking fan of the city. But the fucking jizz-bandits in charge decided the act like total douche bags. See, the fucking city decided to offer free fucking wifi and shit. Totally down with that. But they decided to be all dickish and shit.

Here’s what I’m fucking talking about. I was out with this chick whose fucking clothes looked awesome on the floor of the place that I’m currently living. So she had a fucking iPod or iPhone or something (I was pretty fucking drunk at the time and can’t exactly remember) and I wanted to bust out some of my sick literary skills (come on, you know fucking chicks dig assholes). I got my hot hands on here thing and tried to bring her here. This is what the fucking douche bags in Boston had to fucking say:

What a bunch of fucking assholes

What the fuck does “weighted phrase limit” even fucking mean?  That I say fuck too much?  Fuck them.  They can suck my hairy fucking scot bag.  Fucking douche bags.

So I couldn’t show her the frigging site. I was pretty fucking pissed. The only upside was that it gave me a fucking excuse to have her come over to my fucking place where we were able to get going. Hey, when life gives you fucking lemons you gotta make fucking lemonade.

People that block fine sites like mine are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Are all guys pigs?

Q – Hello.  I am a fit and attractive 24 year old woman and I a question about guys.  I’m writing to you because I feel like you’ll tell it to me straight.  OK, here it is.  When I walk down the street, or sit in my cube, or wait in line at Dunks, or ride the train or anything I feel like guys are just staring at me.  What’s up with that?  It’s kind of creepy.  Estelle

A – Well Estelle it’s like this.  All guys need to shoot a fucking load every day.  It we don’t, our balls could swell up or something and really fucking hurt.  Now some guys have chicks they can bang on a daily basis to relieve the fucking pressure on their nuts while other guys are able to find a woman at random to help them take care of this potentially painful condition.  But most guys need to beat their meat.  This is where you come in.

See beating off isn’t like breathing or shit, you need some fucking inspiration and stuff – and what is more inspiring when it comes to beating off than some hot girl?  If there is something I sure don’t want to fucking know.  And to be fucking honest with you – guys I know who have a regular parking space for their junk still like to picture some hottie all spread and moaning when their fucking pulling in if you know what I mean.

I’m not gonna fucking lie to you, it’s happened on several occasions this week that I’ve spotted some fucking babe and added her to my catalog of nameless chicks to beat off to later (and maybe I fucking have, what about it?).  Rather than being all prissy about this, you should be flattered and do your best to help guys out.  Feel free to unbutton your shirt a little further, where shorter skirts and flash some snatch if the mood strikes you – and believe me, a little nip slip never fucking hurt no one.

I think you’ll find that you’re more popular than ever and you’ll be helping a lot of strange fucking guys keep their balls drained.

Chicks who worry about this kind of shit are assholes.

Kinda fucking awesome

So I have been getting way fucked up the past few fucking days (like what else is new?) and as a result didn’t fucking write anything or answer questions or do jack fucking shit with the wonderful world of online shit and stuff.

The other fucking night though, I was out at a bar getting fucking faced.  I was with this dude Alonzo.  We started talking to this chick and her fucking boyfriend.  She was called Erica and he was called Eric.  How fucking stupid is that?  I mean shit – there are like billions of fucking people in the world – why the fuck would you date someone with the same name as you?  It must be even worse for fucking gay dudes and shit.  If I was gay (and I’m fucking not) I would never date a dude named N.A.

So anyway, we were talking to them and shit and Erica is one dirty fucking bird – laying down some lap dance action asking to have her ass slapped and shit.  Her boyfriend was totally cool with her fucking antics and shit which is his fucking prerogative I guess.  We hung with them until like 1:00 or something and then they decided to hit the road.  (I think she owned him a blowjob or something.)

Outside she was all fucking foxy and shit – dancing around all drunk and dirty.  She was like, “take my fucking picture, take my fucking picture,” and jumping and wiggling around and shit.  So I started taking her picture.  Here’s my favorite one (of the ones I can fucking share . . .).

Can you guess what this is?

Hope you are having as much fucking fun as me.  Even if you aren’t an asshole.  But let’s fucking face it – everyone is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole: A celebration of my cock

Q – Hey asshole, I saw your comment over on the Year of the Chick blog (which makes you seem a little light in your loafers buddy).  You seem pretty keen on your penis.  Cherri

A- Well Cherri, if you read that fucking blog you’d know it’s a place where lots of fucking people hang out to talk about all kinds of critical fucking shit.

It’s true that I’m pretty keen on my fucking cock – and why not?  My fucking dick rocks.  Ask anyone who’s had the good fortune to experience it and they’ll tell you that my dick is awesome.  I mean I’ve only experienced part of the magic that is my cock but believe me, from my own (admittedly biased) perspective it’s pretty fucking good.  And man is it versatile.

I can use it to take a fucking leak – which is pretty fucking good.  It’s also good for tickling a chick’s tonsils, basting a womb, drilling an asshole, jizzing on a face, slipping between tits and some things you probably wouldn’t guess.  For example, I have tied a string around it an used it as a fishing pole – i can fucking cast with the damn thing.  Once, I fell asleep naked in a field – when I woke up there was flag flying on it and a bunch of people looking up saluting.

Once I was at the fucking beach and I heard this chick in the water screaming.  She was pretty far out there and everyone was running around trying to figure out what the fuck to do.  Being the quick-thinking motherfucker that I am, I reached into my pants and began twirling my dick over my head like a lasso.  I let it fly and it landed in the water not far from her.  People on the shore watched with their binoculars as she grabbed hold.  She got rescued and I got a fucking hand job.  It was a fucking win-win situation.

I mentioned on the blog that I am going to do a statue of my dick for Boston.  Nine feet long.  It’s going to be fucking awesome.  Nice marble, it’s gonna look really good.  Yeah, my cock is something else.  I wish more people (women) had the opportunity to enjoy this fucking thing.

Anyone who doesn’t think my cock is awesome is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole: Write in? Write on!

Q – I can’t believe I am writing to you.  I support a group called Jesus for President and given the nature of your blog want to encourage you to think long and hard about what you are doing and to consider how you might use your site (which is funny even though it is very wrong) to help to encourage people to think for themselves.  Steve

A – Ok, ok, ok, ok.  At first I thought this was a fucking joke but then I hoped onto someone else’s broadband and did a little fucking research and shit.  Steve, I got to hand it to you – you weren’t fucking kidding.  There really is this thing Jeebus for President.  I thought you had to be at least 35 and American and alive to be President but I guess I fucking thought wrong.

I was fucking thinking about voting the other day – but it turns out that the election here happened a while ago and I guess I fucking missed it or something.  They should put shit about it on the TV or something so that I know about it and shit.  I don’t even fucking know how to do it so I would need some help or something – someone to show me what lever to push or something.

I mean do I need to have a driver’s license to vote?  Can I just use my old library card?  I have no fucking clue.  And like right now I am so fucking out of it I can’t even remember who the fuck is running.  I know that Mitt Romney was or something, and that chick and that Orama guy from Ohio or something . . . and now I guess Jesus too.  Fuck.  Politics is confusing this time of the day.  I should go to sleep or something; maybe watch the fucking TV (besides fucking sports, video games and pron DVDs) or surf the fucking Web for something besides fucking tits and ass and pussy and shit.

Maybe puking would be good?  That might fucking help.  Be right back.  Fuck.  Puking didn’t help.  My fucking nose and throat burn now and I feel fucking worse.  I’m going back to the fucking couch.  Shit.  I hear people awake upstairs.  I guess my fucking antics in the bathroom woke somebody up.  Fuck them, they need to go to work soon anyway.

I guess I gotta fucking get ready to vote or something.  People that confuse me are fucking assholes.