Holy Shit I’m Fucking Back!

Hey.  So Chris the Asshole (I can’t really fucking call him that anymore but I’m kind of fucking used to it) fucking came through and shit.  Last night that motherfucker calls me and says he wants to fucking buy me a beer at a place down the street.  So I’m fucking skeptical and shit but beer is beer and free beer is free beer so I say “what the fuck” and head out the door.

When I get there the guys asking all squirrelly and shit and I figure the dumb bastard is going to get all fucking teary-eyed or something.  Instead, he reaches down to the floor next to him and hands me a brand new fucking MacBook Pro.  I’m not talking about one just loose and shit but one still in the fucking box.  I couldn’t fucking believe my eyes when he handed me that thing.

Now it isn’t one of the newest, newest ones with the fucking new mousepad and shit but fuckin’ A, the guy came through.  I don’t know how many cocks he had to suck to make enough money to buy me the fucking thing but I don’t really give a shit.  I mean he could have fucking munched every ass, licked every dick and bit every pillow in Boston for all I care.  Whatever he did it was pretty fucking stand-up of him and so I figured my first post had to be to say thanks to him.

So Chris the Asshole (yeah, I’m still going to call him that) thanks for fucking manning up about this shit and making right what you fucking made wrong before.  It must have sucked to have to give so many guys blowjobs but not having a computer because some dick spilled beer on it fucking sucked too.

Now I need to get my fucking rhythm back.  Not writing for a while has fucked me up big time.  So lets get those fucking questions rolling everyone, N.A. Hole is back.

Asshole of the Week – Early, Late, You Can Choose

So you’re probably fucking wondering where I’ve fucking been.  I mean shit, It’s been a while since I fucking posted anything.  Well I’ll fucking tell you what – I’ve been right fucking here.  So why haven’t I written anything?  The answer to that is the fucking Asshole of the Week.

Usually I choose some fucking newsmaker or something, or a fucking celebrity.  Not this fucking time.  This week’s (or last fucking week’s) Asshole of the Fucking Week is a now ex-fucking friend of mine Chris the Asshole.  Why is Chris a fucking asshole?  Because he fucked up my computer last week.  For real fucked it up.

Here’s the fucking deal.  I’m not the richest motherfucker you’re going to meet.  In fact, most of my shit is pretty fucking shitty.  Except for one fucking thing – my computer.  I fucking saved up some money (OK, a lot of fucking money) and bought myself a MacBook Pro a couple of years ago.  It was like a couple of thousand dollars and shit which is no small change for me.

I fucking love my computer and carry the fucking thing everywhere.  Last week I brought it with me to a fucking party at Chris the Asshole’s fucking house.  I didn’t have it out or anything until Chris the Asshole asked me to take it out to show some of his fucking friends something.  (It might have been this site actually now that I come to think about it – I was pretty fucked up at the time.)

Anyway, I took it out and leeched some dumb motherfucker in the building’s WiFi.  It was all fucking good and people were having fun online and shit.  Then Chris the Asshole – a fucking drunk oaf – comes lumbering close and tried to get to the keyboard – to do what I don’t fucking know.  I was cool with it  – I mean my system is pretty fucking important to me but I’m not a fucking dick or anything about it.

So fucking Chris the Asshole sits down and starts going to YouTube and shit and showing people fucking stupid videos blah, blah, blah.  He wants to get everyone’s fucking attention to make them watch one so he stands up and starts shouting at everyone.  They gather around to see and as he turns to fucking start it he dropped his fucking beer right onto the computer.

I’m not talking like a little fucking splash or anything, I’m talking about a full fucking red plastic party cup of cold beer.  It feel right onto the fucking keyboard – but not to one side or the other or anything; the opening faced the fucking screen to ensure the maximum amount of beer would shlosh back onto the keyboard.

Instantly the fucking screen goes black and the system just fucking stopped.  Chris the Asshole is standing there dumb for a fucking second and then he starts fucking laughing like it’s the fucking funniest fucking thing he’s ever fucking seen.  Me and everyone else were just fucking silent and shit.  I mean holy fuck – that was my fucking computer this douche bag just fucking fried.

He starts wiping the keyboard with his shirt and says it will be fine once it dries out.  Then he picks it up and starts shaking the fucking thing.  Beer just pours out of it – like 16 ounces of beer.  Guess what?  Wiping it off and shaking it didn’t fix the fucking problem.  I was ready to fucking kill him and took a fucking swing at him but he’s like way bigger than me and started beating on me instead like it was my fucking fault.

People pulled him off me and I got my shit together and just fucking left.  I tried fixing it myself but no fucking dice.  Chris the Asshole called me the next fucking day (Saturday) to say he was sorry and to ask if my computer was OK.  I told him it was fucking ruined thanks to him being such a fucking drunk asshole.

He says he’s going to fucking replace it but how the fuck is he going to do that?  I mean this guy makes me look like a fucking genius.  So now I am sans computer and it fucking sucks.  I am using one at this chick Brenda’s house at the moment but WTF?  Chris the Asshole keeps leaving me messages every day and texting me and shit to say he’s really going to fix things but I’ll fucking believe it when I see it.

So for being such a drunk fucking oaf, Chris the Asshole is this week’s Asshole of the Fucking Week now and for fucking ever.  So if you don’t see me fucking posting as much, blame Chris the Asshole.  The guy is a total fucking prick and isn’t going to be anything but that to me until I have my fucking computer back.

He fucking sucks.