Breaking News: Who Gives a Fuck

How fucking stupid are people? The answer is obvious – way fucking stupider than anyone can even fucking fathom. For stupid people they can’t understand because they’re really fucking stupid and for people who aren’t really stupid they can’t understand because they can’t fucking imagine how stupid people can be.

Let me give you one fucking example that made my balls tighten up and try to crawl back into my body to get way from all the stupidity around them. Let me give you a little fucking example:

Can you see the stupid fucking news?

The fact is there’s a shitload of stupid news on this fucking site, but for my money, the stupidest fucking story – and the one that matters the very fucking least is the fact that Lisa Marie Presley named her frigging twins. Holy fucking shit! Stop the presses! We gotta make sure all the fucking idiot douche bags have some fake fucking news to fill their empty fucking heads or they might think about something that matters by accident or something.

Finley and Harper – remember those names – they are critical bits of information idiots will need in the future. Maybe to win at some stupid trivia night a the douche bag bar they visit to try to forget how fucking empty and meaningless their lives are. Holy shit. How the fuck did we get so fucking stupid? Really people – who even gives a shit that some poor bastard had the misfortune to fuck Lisa Marie?

Man, what the fuck is going on here.

Dear A-Hole – Billy Joel and Balls

Q – Dear Hole – Can you tell my why this story about Billy Joel in 1977 is the lead story on CNN.com?  Thanks – The Stranger

A – Good goddamn question.  I looked there just now and was left totally scratching my fucking head – and my balls.  I mean I don’t really give a jumping monkey fuck about this scabies-ridden douche bag myself so I can’t figure out why the fuck anyone else fucking would.  And to hear him boo-hoo-hooing about sucking shit?  Who can fucking take that crap?

I’ll be fucking honest with you – I didn’t even read the whole fucking story.  Why the fuck would I?  Now if the headline was something like mine – “Billy Joel and Balls” I might have read more.  And if it had started with something like – “In an emotional fucking interview with that old cock head Larry King, shitting fucking singer guy Billy Joel admitted to sucking balls” – then I would have read it for fucking sure.

But guess the fuck what?  It didn’t.  It’s about how bad he used to suck and how 31 fucking years ago someone thought he didn’t suck quite so bad.  They were fucking wrong.  Billy Joel does suck – shit, balls and ass – so get him the fuck off CNN (and the fucking radio and TV while you’re fucking at it).

Fuckin’ A, there’s got to be more important news than that Billy Joel sucks.  CNN and Billy Joel – assholes!

Dear A-Hole: Write in? Write on!

Q – I can’t believe I am writing to you.  I support a group called Jesus for President and given the nature of your blog want to encourage you to think long and hard about what you are doing and to consider how you might use your site (which is funny even though it is very wrong) to help to encourage people to think for themselves.  Steve

A – Ok, ok, ok, ok.  At first I thought this was a fucking joke but then I hoped onto someone else’s broadband and did a little fucking research and shit.  Steve, I got to hand it to you – you weren’t fucking kidding.  There really is this thing Jeebus for President.  I thought you had to be at least 35 and American and alive to be President but I guess I fucking thought wrong.

I was fucking thinking about voting the other day – but it turns out that the election here happened a while ago and I guess I fucking missed it or something.  They should put shit about it on the TV or something so that I know about it and shit.  I don’t even fucking know how to do it so I would need some help or something – someone to show me what lever to push or something.

I mean do I need to have a driver’s license to vote?  Can I just use my old library card?  I have no fucking clue.  And like right now I am so fucking out of it I can’t even remember who the fuck is running.  I know that Mitt Romney was or something, and that chick and that Orama guy from Ohio or something . . . and now I guess Jesus too.  Fuck.  Politics is confusing this time of the day.  I should go to sleep or something; maybe watch the fucking TV (besides fucking sports, video games and pron DVDs) or surf the fucking Web for something besides fucking tits and ass and pussy and shit.

Maybe puking would be good?  That might fucking help.  Be right back.  Fuck.  Puking didn’t help.  My fucking nose and throat burn now and I feel fucking worse.  I’m going back to the fucking couch.  Shit.  I hear people awake upstairs.  I guess my fucking antics in the bathroom woke somebody up.  Fuck them, they need to go to work soon anyway.

I guess I gotta fucking get ready to vote or something.  People that confuse me are fucking assholes.