Dear A-Hole – Say you ain’t gay Clay!

Q – Dear N.A. Hole – My heart feels like it’s been crushed by a giant boot! I just read that Clay Aiken is gay! Is this true? Marissa

A – Gee Marissa, why don’t you ask your fucking dad? I’m sure he’s blown him a time or two. Remember that I hate celebrities, so where this gross excuse for a homo sapien dips his schlong means nothing to me – less then fucking nothing to tell you the truth. In fact, if a fucking shark jumped out of a toilet and bit Clay Aiken’s dick right off I wouldn’t care.

But, because I care about douche bags like you Marissa I looked into this sorry excuse for a story and found that yes, Clay Aiken is gay. Despite his being as queer as a three dollar bill, the Clayblade still managed to convince some of his jizz to make the perilous journey up some woman’s vagina and into her fucking uterus to create a second generation of this fuck wad. Pretty fucking foul if you ask me.

Here’s a link to the story as penned by that crack investigative site, CNN.

How frigging grotesque

Now I know there are plenty of fucking women out there – mostly older, fatter, grosser women – who must (like you Marissa) must be heartbroken. But if you ask me – and you kind of fucking did – this guy would look better getting a face fist massage from yours truly. I want to fucking vomit. Just imaging this asshole climbing between some dumb douches legs and pumping his sad excuse for a cock up in there. Fuck. God that is fucking horrible.

I can’t even write any more. This visual is going to make me rip my fucking brain out. Cock holes like Aiken – and all the douche bags who love him – are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole: A celebration of my cock

Q – Hey asshole, I saw your comment over on the Year of the Chick blog (which makes you seem a little light in your loafers buddy).  You seem pretty keen on your penis.  Cherri

A- Well Cherri, if you read that fucking blog you’d know it’s a place where lots of fucking people hang out to talk about all kinds of critical fucking shit.

It’s true that I’m pretty keen on my fucking cock – and why not?  My fucking dick rocks.  Ask anyone who’s had the good fortune to experience it and they’ll tell you that my dick is awesome.  I mean I’ve only experienced part of the magic that is my cock but believe me, from my own (admittedly biased) perspective it’s pretty fucking good.  And man is it versatile.

I can use it to take a fucking leak – which is pretty fucking good.  It’s also good for tickling a chick’s tonsils, basting a womb, drilling an asshole, jizzing on a face, slipping between tits and some things you probably wouldn’t guess.  For example, I have tied a string around it an used it as a fishing pole – i can fucking cast with the damn thing.  Once, I fell asleep naked in a field – when I woke up there was flag flying on it and a bunch of people looking up saluting.

Once I was at the fucking beach and I heard this chick in the water screaming.  She was pretty far out there and everyone was running around trying to figure out what the fuck to do.  Being the quick-thinking motherfucker that I am, I reached into my pants and began twirling my dick over my head like a lasso.  I let it fly and it landed in the water not far from her.  People on the shore watched with their binoculars as she grabbed hold.  She got rescued and I got a fucking hand job.  It was a fucking win-win situation.

I mentioned on the blog that I am going to do a statue of my dick for Boston.  Nine feet long.  It’s going to be fucking awesome.  Nice marble, it’s gonna look really good.  Yeah, my cock is something else.  I wish more people (women) had the opportunity to enjoy this fucking thing.

Anyone who doesn’t think my cock is awesome is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Receipe for Love

Q – Hi N.A. – VDay is coming up fast and I’m hoping that a hopeless romantic like you will have some good ideas on making it a great day for me and whomever I end up with that night.  Probo

A – Me and fucking romance – virtually fucking synonymous – good fucking call.  There’s a little fucking cocktail that I think makes for the perfect night of romance – I call it “the Ask N.A. Hole VD Blast Pack.”  Here’s all you need: a Roofie, a Viagra and a RU-486.

This little combo is sure to bring a fucking smile to your face without the pesky consequences of having to have a fucking relationship or some shit.  It’s basically the knock out, the cock out and the zygote out.  Pretty fucking perfect if you ask me.

People who don’t know how to enjoy VD are assholes.