Movie Review – Zack and Miri

So I don’t go to fucking movies that fucking much.  They cost too much fucking money and most of them suck shit.  But this chick I’ve been hoping to bone asked me if I wanted to see this Porno thing with her and I thought it was green lights all the way so I say “fuck yeah!”

As usual, I misjudged the fucking situation.  First of all, I got totally shitfaced on saturday afternoon.  I mean like way, way, way over the fucking line.  I didn’t puke but it might have been better if I had.  So anyway, we agreed to meet at the fucking food court at the mall (her idea, not mine).  I ate a bunch of free samples and shit off toothpicks while I was waiting for her to show up.  I had total bedspins but I was standing and that really sucked.

She shows up and looks fucking fantastic and shit.  Totally fucking hot.  I would have plowed her right there if I had the chance but she was all “let’s go” and shit so we went.  When we got to the movies I realized I had no money with me.  Kinda awkward but should have been a surprise to her.  We get in and I start reaching for her – totally awesome tits.  She kinda giggled which was a good sign.

The movie starts and I am thinking porn and am hoping for a nice mid-movie blowjob or something.  But guess what – there’s like NO FUCKING PORN.  For ages it’s a bunch of fucking whining and shit.  Then a bunch of stupid shit.  Then – finally – there is some fucking porno like shit – but it’s like two gay dudes talking – color me fucking limp.

Next they have some auditions for people to be in this porn movie they say they are making and there some tits – which is good.  Then there’s some fucking – but it’s like you can’t see anything.  Tits swinging is as good as it fucking gets.  No fucking spread beaver, no slurping blowjobs – nothing.

There was one fucking dick at the end of the movie – but guess what: if I want to see a dick I can look at my own whenever I fucking want.  To top it all fucking off – even though I tried to guide my dates head into my lap – I didn’t even get a blowjob.  And I puked in the theater (I fucking turned my head the other way so I don’t think she saw).

All in all, it fucking sucked.  If you want porn check online – it’s free and better than this fucking movie.

Dear A-Hole: A celebration of my cock

Q – Hey asshole, I saw your comment over on the Year of the Chick blog (which makes you seem a little light in your loafers buddy).  You seem pretty keen on your penis.  Cherri

A- Well Cherri, if you read that fucking blog you’d know it’s a place where lots of fucking people hang out to talk about all kinds of critical fucking shit.

It’s true that I’m pretty keen on my fucking cock – and why not?  My fucking dick rocks.  Ask anyone who’s had the good fortune to experience it and they’ll tell you that my dick is awesome.  I mean I’ve only experienced part of the magic that is my cock but believe me, from my own (admittedly biased) perspective it’s pretty fucking good.  And man is it versatile.

I can use it to take a fucking leak – which is pretty fucking good.  It’s also good for tickling a chick’s tonsils, basting a womb, drilling an asshole, jizzing on a face, slipping between tits and some things you probably wouldn’t guess.  For example, I have tied a string around it an used it as a fishing pole – i can fucking cast with the damn thing.  Once, I fell asleep naked in a field – when I woke up there was flag flying on it and a bunch of people looking up saluting.

Once I was at the fucking beach and I heard this chick in the water screaming.  She was pretty far out there and everyone was running around trying to figure out what the fuck to do.  Being the quick-thinking motherfucker that I am, I reached into my pants and began twirling my dick over my head like a lasso.  I let it fly and it landed in the water not far from her.  People on the shore watched with their binoculars as she grabbed hold.  She got rescued and I got a fucking hand job.  It was a fucking win-win situation.

I mentioned on the blog that I am going to do a statue of my dick for Boston.  Nine feet long.  It’s going to be fucking awesome.  Nice marble, it’s gonna look really good.  Yeah, my cock is something else.  I wish more people (women) had the opportunity to enjoy this fucking thing.

Anyone who doesn’t think my cock is awesome is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – color me revolted

Q – Hey asshole.  A few months ago you did a nice job giving advice on anal lubrication.  I’ve got a bit of an odd fetish that I could use some help with.  You see, I love inserting crayons into my penis but find the process to be somewhat uncomfortable at times.  What would you suggest.   Nino

A – Holy fucking shit!  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Crayons up your fucking dick?  Here’s what I’d fucking suggest – just fucking cut your dick off and call it a fucking day.  Holy shit.  Holy shit.  Holy shit.  Dude, there’s nothing remotely cool or interesting or non-nauseating about your fucking question.  Look, the body has like a shit load of holes all over the fucking thing and most of them are fucking bi-directional to one degree or another.

BUT NOT THE FUCKING HOLE IN YOUR GODDAMN COCK!!!!

That is a motherfucking one-way street man – shit comes out of it but NOTHING goes into that little fucker.  My advice is that you go see a fucking doctor or a cop or a firefighter or a fucking astronaut or whoever is going to kick your fucking ass so that you never do this fucking shit again.

And a fucking crayon?  That’s fucked up.  Goddamn, what the fuck are you thinking when you pull a crayon out of the fucking box – “ohhhh, burnt umber, that will be really nice up my little cock hole.”  SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.  I feel like I might need to fucking trash this email address and maybe this fucking computer and maybe my goddamn eyes.

Holy fucking shit you have really fucked me up you piece of shit.  I’ll tell you what – ANYONE who sticks ANYTHING up their fucking dick is a bigger fucking asshole than I ever fucking imagined could ever fucking exist.

Dear A-Hole – You’re a fucking dick

Q – I don’t know who you are or where you get that filthy mouth of your but I wanted to say that this site is terrible and offensive.  Lisa.

A – Fuck you Lisa.  You’re probably a fucking bitch dick with no fucking sense of humor.  People fucking line up to hate people like you.  Hey, I have a fucking idea, why don’t you drop the fuck dead and do the rest of us a fucking favor?  No one is forcing you to read or absorb my fucking wisdom so why don’t you keep your fucking stupid comments to your fucking self?

PS – I hate you and you’re an asshole.