Dear A-Hole – You in the fucking money or what?

Q – Dear N, I was just wondering, how are all of your investments doing during this latest stock market “adjustment”?  And on a related note, how do you assess the Red Sox’ chances in the ALCS?  Dennis

A – Well fuck Dennis, I am rolling in cash the way a pig rolls in shit.  That is if by cash you mean shit and by rolling you mean rolling.  I don’t have two fucking thin dimes on a good fucking day so on a bad day you can imagine how fucking little I have.  Guess what?  I don’t have any fucking investments – the fucking joke is on  all you losers who bought into the fucking retirement jive and shit.  See since I hardly work I hardly get any cash so when I do get some it flies out of my hand and into Joe Dope Dealers pocket before it even has a chance to get comfortable.  Given how fucking shitty everything is, I’d say weed is a pretty fucking wise investment.

Onto the Red Sox.  Pretty fucking sweet week for the Beantown Nine.  Little touch and go the other day but fuckin’ A they made it.  Given the fact that they beat the Halos, I’m pretty fucking confident that they’ll manage to beat the Rays.  Hey, on the Rays – I fucking love the Diamond Backs.  Why?  Because when people refer to them as the “D-Backs” it always sounds like D-Bags and that’s what the fucking Tampon Bay Rays are – a bunch of fucking douche bags.

Hey folks, the people who fucked all this shit up are a bunch of fucking assholes and if you’re losing sleep over it you are too.  Lighten up, light up and let it go.

What an asshole

A few fucking days ago some cock head wrote to me about fucking magic and shit and I went out and found the stupidest fucking lame ass magic douche bag i could find.  Guess what – the guy really is a fucking idiot.  Here’s another fucking video to prove it.  He also has a fucking blog that I think is dumb.  Please flood him with fucking comments telling him he sucks.  I fucking hate morons.

Dear A-Hole – You dirty bastard

Q – Hey A-dude – like the other day i was at a Starbucks and this guy was just like sitting at his table clipping his TOE NAILS.  So I don’t think that’s ok, do you?  Reba

A – Reba, you’re trying too fucking hard baby – “A-dude?” – that’s something only an asshole would call me, OK?  Just take a breath, relax and get ready for me to lay down some fucking wisdom on you.

That fucking guy at Starbucks was fucking foul.  I see people doing shit like that all the fucking time.  These assholes ought to be forced to eat whatever shit they pick, clip, scrape, etc of their crusty fucking bodies.  Just the other fucking day this guy was waiting for the train.  It was totally hot and sticky and shit.  He pulls out like a fucking wet wipe and begins wiping his face and shit.  Now I wouldn’t do it but that’s just fucking me.  Next he reaches over his fucking shoulder and begins wiping his sweaty-assed back.  Gross.  Next this fucking douche bag begins wiping his fucking face again – smearing greasy back sweat all over his fucking face.  Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with people?  It’s just fucking sick man.

Fucking gross assed fuck tards fucking suck shit . . . AND they’re fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – When it rains . . .

Q – Dear N.A.–I am from New Orleans and very worried about all this hurricane business.  Can you suggest some relaxation techniques I can try?  Thanks, Dennis

A – Hurricanes are so fucking tiresome.  I mean shit, every fucking day on the goddamn news all I fucking see is shit about this crap.  Gustav?  Give me a fucking break.  People need to lighten the fuck up and not worry so much.  Buy a fucking umbrella and a pair of fucking galoshes if you’re worried.

Does CNN *really* need to give a fucking inch-by-inch update of the storms progress?  And how about giving us some useful stats – like how many douche bags worth of water are spilling into every sodden shithole from Miami to Mexico?  For Christ’s sake it would be hard for me to give less of a shit than I do right now.

But hey, I don’t want to sound like a total cock hole buddy – and if you’re stressed out than hell, I am too.  So here’s what I’d do: get a fucking bottle of astroglide, a stack of your favorite magazines and some booze and have a fucking date with your hand.  Now if you can get a real girl to clean your pipes so much the fucking better – but let’s be honest, no chick is going to want to suck your cock for like hours on end (especially if you’re the kind of guy that worries about a little rain and shit) so you’re probably on your own.

Another thing I like to do to relax is fucking drunk dialing.  I don’t even need to know the person I’m calling for this to be fun.  Sometimes it’s just fucking nice to unload any stress onto the unsuspecting shoulders of a stranger.  Trust me, fucking Myrna McDouche-Bagg will love to hear your drunk-ass, slurred words tumbling out over the phone into her ear.

What’s even better is to combine these two things.  Get yourself all hard and shit and then start calling chicks.  Tell them what you’re doing and that you wish you could be fucking them or something.  It’s a sure crowd-pleaser.  But listen, NEVER do it from your own phone or you could get in trouble.  Borrow a friend’s phone or call from someone else’s house.  That way the heat is off you.

No offense man, but people who can’t handle stress creatively are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Bikes = Cancer

Q – Hello N.A. – I don’t know if you remember me but we met a couple of weeks ago at Kinsale on Cambridge Street.  You were telling me about this blog and told me to write if I ever had any questions or came across anything dumb.  I did.  The other day I was talking to this guy about bikes.  I was on my moped at a stop light and he pulled up to me and sneered at my ride.  He was saying how he was getting 600=800 MPG depending on what he ate and blah, blah, blah.  A soon as the light changed he pedaled off (but I passed his ass down the street).  What makes people like this act like that?  Random Tony

A – Yeah, I remember you dood, nice to fucking hear from you.  What makes pricks like this act this way?  Simple, they are fucking assholes.  The fact that you’re riding a moped does make you kind of a douche bag but WFT man, whatever floats your fucking boat I guess.  I remember you kept talking about it to the point that I was thinking I wanted to fucking die.

Back to this talking cock though.  600-800 MPG?  What a load of shit.  That’s crap that fucking earth lickers come up with to pat each other on the fucking back when they sit down for one of their green team circle jerks.  “Like, let’s rid the earth of cars guys, it will make everything alight.”  Fuck them.  What about people with no fucking legs?  What are they supposed to do in fucking bike world?  Lie on the fucking side of the road and die?  I’ll bet these shit holes would fucking love that.  You know they all want to walk around and stare at each other’s legs and jerk off.  It’s what they do.

And how about fucking bands and shit?  How the fuck are they supposed to carry their instruments and shit?  On the back of a fucking bike?  Yeah right.  Their sound system would fit right on there.  These fucks hate music too.  Except for fucking acoustic guitars and shitty harmonicas and shit.  We are the fucking world and shit.  Fuck that crap.

They also hate kids.  I mean how are people supposed to haul fucking kids around?  On one of those stupid bike trailer things?  Fuck that.  Stupid.  And you know if you put a kid on a fucking bike they are going to be outside in the sun and shit.  And you know what that fucking means?  Skin cancer.  These fucking bike assholes are trying to commit fucking slow murder by convincing parents to give their kids bikes and shit.

I say they can take their 600-800 miles and blow it out their puckered brown hole.  These douche bags are class A assholes and love to fucking suck shit.

Dear A-Hole – I fucking love the sound of your voice

Q – Mister Hole – I am on the train from New York to Washington.  There is a loud cell phone talker somewhere near me and it is killing me.  You seem to have things pretty figured out when it comes to annoying people on trains.  Advice?  Mary

A – I would simply walk up to the person and ask them to stop speaking so loudly.  This is a common problem and one that can easily be dealt with using a firm but polite request.

Ha Ha Ha.  Who the fuck and I kidding.  Here’s what I’d do – I would get out of my seat and hunt this asshole down.  It the asshole is a chick, I’d say something like, “Hey, you fucking cunt, do you mind shutting that fucking cock hole below your fucking nose before I shove it up your goddamn ass?”  If the fucking asshole is a dude, I recommend, “Hey you fucking douche bag, I fucking hate you you fucking cock head.  You fucking pimping your fucking mother or something you fucking piece of shit?  Why don’t you pipe the fuck down before I jam that phone into your fuck scrot bag so fucking hard your balls pop out your fucking nose?”

Now don’t be fooled.  Even though these might sound like fucking questions they’re not; they’re really carefully crafted commands.  Making them sound like questions fools the fucking asshole into thinking they have a fucking choice, while the threats help them make the right fucking choice.  One thing: if they ignore you you need to be fucking ready to go totally crazy on them and do what you said.

Loud shitheads are fucking assholes.