Kinda fucking awesome

So I have been getting way fucked up the past few fucking days (like what else is new?) and as a result didn’t fucking write anything or answer questions or do jack fucking shit with the wonderful world of online shit and stuff.

The other fucking night though, I was out at a bar getting fucking faced.  I was with this dude Alonzo.  We started talking to this chick and her fucking boyfriend.  She was called Erica and he was called Eric.  How fucking stupid is that?  I mean shit – there are like billions of fucking people in the world – why the fuck would you date someone with the same name as you?  It must be even worse for fucking gay dudes and shit.  If I was gay (and I’m fucking not) I would never date a dude named N.A.

So anyway, we were talking to them and shit and Erica is one dirty fucking bird – laying down some lap dance action asking to have her ass slapped and shit.  Her boyfriend was totally cool with her fucking antics and shit which is his fucking prerogative I guess.  We hung with them until like 1:00 or something and then they decided to hit the road.  (I think she owned him a blowjob or something.)

Outside she was all fucking foxy and shit – dancing around all drunk and dirty.  She was like, “take my fucking picture, take my fucking picture,” and jumping and wiggling around and shit.  So I started taking her picture.  Here’s my favorite one (of the ones I can fucking share . . .).

Can you guess what this is?

Hope you are having as much fucking fun as me.  Even if you aren’t an asshole.  But let’s fucking face it – everyone is a fucking asshole.

AWOL Asshole?

News fucking flash.  I was out for a few days recently, basically for being fucking dumb.  On a fucking dare I walked into a fucking police station drunk and naked.  It turns out it’s referred to as “drunk and disorderly conduct” and it can get you into fucking trouble and shit.  I ended up having to spend a few nights in jail because my fucking friends couldn’t come up with fucking bail.  In the end, I had to pay a fucking fine and agree NEVER to go back to the fucking town where it happened.  (Which I am NOT going to fucking tell you.)

It pretty much fucking sucked.  I was the only person in the fucking two-horse town’s lock up.  They gave me some fucking lame ass clothes and wouldn’t let me do anything.  The day after my arrest (more like I turned myself in I guess) I spent a lot of time throwing up and being hung over and shit.  The next couple of days were pretty shitty too – I just sat on my fucking bed and slept and shit.

The penalty – at least according to the fucking cop – was three days or $500.  I ended up spending the three days AND had to pay a fine.  They only made me pay $250 though which still fucking sucked.

Just a word of advice: never walk into a small town police station naked.

Dear A-Hole – Crappy New Year!

Q – I don’t really have a question but wanted to say that I’ve been reading your blog for a while and like it a lot.  Have a good 2008!  Mimi M.

A – Let me fucking start by saying happy fucking New Year to everyone.  Now let me quickly move on to unloading a fucking batch of fucking shit that happened last fucking night and this morning.  The first fucking thing you should fucking know is that I stiff haven’t been to goddamn bed yet and it hasn’t been all fucking fun and games.

So last fucking night, I was going to a fucking party and shit when a fucking buddy calls me to tell me to tune into a local radio station here in fucking Boston.  Whenever I remember, I enter radio contests just to see if they’ll say “N.A. Hole” on the air if I win.  (I usually don’t and they never do.)

It turns out that this particular DJ was too fucking dumb to know what he was doing and started saying my fucking name an saying I had 2008 seconds to call in to win.  It turns out that 2008 seconds is like half an hour or something.  My fucking buddy hears it, calls me and I call in and fucking win.

So what did I win?  A fucking trolly booze tour around the city.  Yep, I got free booze for me and 20 friends from 9:00 to 1:00 on New Year’s eve.  Now this would rock – IF I had 20 friends that I fucking wanted to share this shit with but I don’t.  Instead, I was able to scare up five guys and we headed down to where we were supposed to meet the van guy.

It fucking turns out that he doesn’t have any fucking route or shit in mind – he’s just going to drive wherever we fucking want him to fucking go.  Now if you fucking ask me, this is a bad idea.  We were already wasted when we got to the fucking van and when we heard this we had all kinds of fucking good ideas.

One guy wanted to go to fucking Foxwoods, another guy wanted to go the New York, I was thinking of heading north of the border but the dude put the kibosh on all our fucking plans.  We could go anywhere that would allow him to dump our sorry asses out in the greater Boston area by 1:00.

With that fucking bubble burst, we settled into plotting a course that would take us by parties we know about or friends houses or shit.  We kept stopping here and there – drinking, passing out free booze, taking leaks, etc.

It was fucking like 1:30 and the driver dude was getting fucking pissed.  We were pretty out in the middle of nowhere totally drunk and lost (he knew where we were but I had no fucking clue).  He pulled off into a fucking Taco Bell parking lot in fucking Framingham or something and tells us it’s past his fucking bedtime and that it’s time for us to get out.

There was some disagreement over this – as well as whether we could take all of the unopened bottles and shit.  In the end – I think just to get rid of us – he let us take a box of bottles.  We got the fuck out of that shitty fucking truck thing and just sat down to drink.  I totally fucking puked but was cool with it since it meant I could fucking drink some more.

We started looking around and shit and saw a house with a shitload of fucking cars so we headed over.  It was a bunch of Brazilians having a party.  They were happy to fucking see us when we went in with boxes of booze.  It was fucking fun – until about 9:00 this fucking morning.

At some point during the fucking night, all my pals had vacated the fucking premises and I was drinking on my own – not only that, but pretty much everyone was either passed out or gone. Except for the fucking people whose fucking house it was.  I’d puked a few  more times and was being pretty loud or something.   I guess they wanted me out of there  cause at 9:00 I got shown the door.

This wouldn’t have been that big a deal except I couldn’t find my fucking shoes or shit.  This dude didn’t seem to fucking care though and eventually just kind of shoved me out into the fucking snow.  I was so fucking drunk that I could barely stand up but let me tell you I sobered up pretty fucking quickly stand out there in my fucking sox.

I walked for a fucking while and eventually kind of recognized where I was.  I think I’ve mentioned a friend who lives out in the suburbs and I was kind of close to his fucking house so I called him.  I had to call over and over until his wife (who hates me) answered the fucking phone.

When she heard my voice she just passed the phone.  It took some fucking convincing, but my shithead suburban douche bag pal eventually agreed to pick me up.  He made me fucking wait until like 10:30 but her eventually showed up and brought me back to his fucking place.  Which is where I fucking am now.

I’m a fucking mess.  There’s fucking puke all over my pant legs.  My socks are a la curt fucking shilling and i don’t know if i’m still drunk or if i’m starting a waking fucking hangover.  Anyhow, thanks for saying happy new year mimi, but for me this one is already fucking pretty fucking crappy.

Yay-hole of the Week: A Kiwi Christmas

People give me a lot of fucking shit for only seeing the negative side of fucking life – and to those people I say a hearty “Fuck You.” To help rehabilitate my fucking image, I thought I’d share a more joyful side of my fucking self. So let me introduce a new little somethin’-somethin’ for you reading enjoyment – the Yayhole of the Week. I can tell you right now that this isn’t going to happen every fucking week, but the idea is to recognize people who step the fuck up and make the rank and file assholes that jam up the fucking toilet of our world a little less happy.

I was fucking inspired to do this by a little fucking story I saw on CNN dot fucking com: “Bad Kiwi Santas in drunken rampage.” Here are the fucking highlights of the story:

• Swearing drunk Santas frighten customers and damage property
• Group did lightning 20-second raid on Hoyts Cinema complex in Christchurch
• They ripped down posters and knocked over cardboard figures

Now this is the kind of Christmas cheer I can fucking get behind. Kudos to you, you anonymous drunken Santas, keep up the good fucking work and bask in the glory of the first Yayholes of the fucking Week.

After I fucking posted this I was fucking inspired to do a little fucking something special for everyone – here’s a video: