Dear A-Hole – Gotta hand it to you

Q – Dear Hole – I really liked your gift idea earlier today, the Pleasure Chair sounds awesome and I hope my own lamebrain boyfriend will get me one.  The problem is that we don’t have very much money.  So let me ask you, what can I give him that he’ll like but won’t cost too much?  Lydia

A – Lydia, I got two fucking words for you – Astro Glide.  This shit opens more doors than a fucking skeleton key.  And the fucking possibilities run the fucking gambit of fun.  Squirt a little on the old balloon knot and you’re ready for a rectal rampage; a couple of drops on a dry pussy makes things go just a little fucking smoother; between the tits and you can have a melon ball (with cream); on the soles of your feet and you can have a semen stomp and perhaps the nicest application: a little lube on the palms for a handjob.

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a fucking handjob, that’s for fucking sure; and since you can get Astro Glide for under eight bucks it’s a cheap way to give great gifts all fucking year long.  And listen, let me know if you decide you want to practice a bit before you give your boyfriend his gift, I am totally willing to fucking help.

Anyone who doesn’t think that a handjob is a good gift is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole: Great Gift Idea for a Douche Bag

Q – Asshole: I have a really good friend who is married to a total wench. In your parlance, she’s a “See You Next Tuesday” (I only know what that even means thanks to you!). Anyhooo, we (my wife and I) are spending the holidays with them and I have no idea what to give this woman. My wife says she just needs a good fuck but there’s no way I’m going to give her that! Any ideas? Whiskey

A – First, let me fucking say that I wish my goddamn parents had called me fucking Whiskey instead of N.A. – tremendous fucking name. Now on to your fucking question -with a few of my own thrown in for good measure. So is this chick at least fucking hot? If she is, you may want to listed to your wife and slam her with your summer sausage.

For the fucking sake of argument though, I’ll assume she’s a fucking dog that you (or your buddy) wouldn’t fuck with a garbageman’s dick. So what can you fucking give her that would a) count as a gift b) not piss you buddy off too much and c) maybe make her a fucking slightly less unpleasant fucking person?

You’ve asked the right fucking guy because I now exactly what you should fucking do. You should get her the original “Ask N.A. Hole Pedal-Powered Pleasure Chair.” “A what,” you’re probably fucking saying so I’ll fucking say it again – The Ask N.A. Hole Pedal-Powered Pleasure Chair. This thing will be fucking awesome for her.

Basically, it’s a fucking chair with a fucking hole cut out of the seat. A fucking didlo sticks out of the hole. The dildo is attached to a stick or something and that’s connected to some pedals that make it go up and fucking down. I don’t have all of the details and shit worked out just yet but trust me, this thing is going to fucking rock.

Basically, a chick sits on this thing and puts the dildo up her butt or in her fucking snatch. Then she just pedals and gets fucked. What could be better? She gets fucked, loosens up, stops being a beeyatch all the fucking time and I get a shitload of fucking money.

Let me know if you want the fucking plans and I will finished thinking about this and send them to you. And remember, guys who write to Ask N.A. Hole about their friend’s annoying wives and don’t buy the plans for this fucking chair are fucking assholes. Don’t be an asshole Whiskey.