Dear A-Hole – Time on my hands

Q: Man im blazed outttta my mind. been tokin since 7am. i just had my girl over to fuck me, i played the guitar a bit and lit shit on fire, but im not even at munchies yet! my question is what the fuck should i do for my remaining 3 hours?   -smokin joe A – Dude, you’re my hero of the fucking morning.  Goddamn – a wake and bake and then some lovin’ for your trouser snake?  What a fucking awesome way to start the day.  If I were you, I’d make a beeline to the shitter and take a good morning dump.  Nothing says life is good more than a fucking crap.  Then I would maybe take a three second shower and get your girl in there to blow you.  Then I’d get baked again.  Then take a fucking nap.  Then wake up and get baked again.  And get laid.  Then get some fucking food and beer.  And do a bong hit.  Go outside and stumble around like a drunk and stoned super fucking star.  Sit in the fucking sun.  Get another blowjob.  Go to a bar.  Get more beer.  Take a leak.  Head over to Store 24 or something and grab some snacks and shit.  Go to a friends house and get baked again.  Brag about what an awesome fucking day I was having.  Maybe play some games and shit.  Call a different chick and head out to her place to fuck her.  Get stoned with her and get laid on the couch.  Have a beer.  Take her out for something to eat and shit.  Stick my hand down the front of her pants on the fucking train.  Go to some fucking nice store and act like an asshole for a while.  Try to convince the girl to suck me off in a changing room.  Go to the liquor store and grab some fucking booze.  Drink it out of a bag.  Sit on the steps of the library and watch people for a while.  Throw up a little.  Stagger into the fucking library to take a leak.  Share a joint in an alley with strangers.  Take a fucking nap on a bench.  Go home.  Crash on the couch.  Wake the fuck up and start it all over again. You’re one lucky fucking bastard Joe.  And anyone that doesn’t think so is a fucking asshole.

So Rose is a bitch and vacation

So I was hanging with that chick Rose after my douche nozzle friend cock kicked me out of the fucking house for insulting his fucking parents and shit. When I got to her fucking place I thought I had died and gone to asshole heaven. Fucking Rose was scorching hot. Sweet face, smokin’ fucking body, a good fucking job, plenty of food and booze and weed on the fucking scene. Awesome.

She didn’t even seem to fucking mind that I just hung around her fucking place eating, drinking and smoking. So why is she a fucking bitch? Well I thought I could repay her kindness with a little fucking dose of vitamin N. I was low fucking key about it and shit but when the fish don’t fucking bite it’s time to consider using some fresh fucking bait.

So one fucking day I decided to show her a little of the National Endowment of My Fucking Cock. I was hanging watching some fucking porn and shit, just lazy jackin’ off. See she was at work and I figured that it would be cool for her to walk in and see what i was fucking packing. I got nothing to be shy about so I was pretty fucking sure Rose would run right over to pop my cock into her mouth or something.

Well guess the fuck what. Instead, when she walked in with her girlfriend, she fucking flipped when she saw me sitting there on the couch with my chubby in my hand. How the fuck was I supposed to know that she was a v-totaler (and by that I mean a carpet muncher). So even though I was just hanging – offering to spread the wealth – I found myself on the wrong side of the goddamn door.

So guess the fuck what?  That put me out on the street with my dick literally in my hand.  She and the other chick basically pushed me the fuck out the door.  They made me wait while they got my shit together – which didn’t take fucking long.  So from Rose’s place I was kind of fucking stumped.  I was going to see about Chris the Asshole but figured I’d stop by my parent’s place first.

What the fuck do you know, they were there and shit – which I wasn’t fucking expecting.  Rather than just being able to grab a shower and crash on the couch for a while I had to make fucking small talk and shit.  It turned out they were getting ready to go to their “lake house.”  Really it’s just a little fucking shit hole on a totally crappy-ass lake.  They asked if I wanted to join them (I think my mother knew I was down on my luck) but I said no fucking way.

I’m not stupid though.  I offered to house sit for them while they were away.  It worked out great since they were going to have to put their dogs in the fucking kennel and shit and I was going to have to stay on the fucking street or something.  The best part is that they are away for like six fucking weeks so I have time to relax before I need to move on again.

Sometimes it fucking sucks to be an asshole.

Kinda fucking awesome

So I have been getting way fucked up the past few fucking days (like what else is new?) and as a result didn’t fucking write anything or answer questions or do jack fucking shit with the wonderful world of online shit and stuff.

The other fucking night though, I was out at a bar getting fucking faced.  I was with this dude Alonzo.  We started talking to this chick and her fucking boyfriend.  She was called Erica and he was called Eric.  How fucking stupid is that?  I mean shit – there are like billions of fucking people in the world – why the fuck would you date someone with the same name as you?  It must be even worse for fucking gay dudes and shit.  If I was gay (and I’m fucking not) I would never date a dude named N.A.

So anyway, we were talking to them and shit and Erica is one dirty fucking bird – laying down some lap dance action asking to have her ass slapped and shit.  Her boyfriend was totally cool with her fucking antics and shit which is his fucking prerogative I guess.  We hung with them until like 1:00 or something and then they decided to hit the road.  (I think she owned him a blowjob or something.)

Outside she was all fucking foxy and shit – dancing around all drunk and dirty.  She was like, “take my fucking picture, take my fucking picture,” and jumping and wiggling around and shit.  So I started taking her picture.  Here’s my favorite one (of the ones I can fucking share . . .).

Can you guess what this is?

Hope you are having as much fucking fun as me.  Even if you aren’t an asshole.  But let’s fucking face it – everyone is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole: I hate the summer

Q – I have to say that I hate the summer.  There are totally no holidays from July 4th to Labor Day.  That’s just week.  Don’t you think every month should have a holiday?  Super Sharpie

A – Look jackass, every fucking day in the summer is a goddamn holiday, what the fuck are you talking about?  Sure, some fucks still have to go to work and shit – but even for them there are good fucking reasons to be happy – unlike you you dumb sad fuck.

First of all, in the fucking summer, chicks forget to dress like fucking matrons and shit and pull out all the slutty stops.  Small shirts, short skirts, bare skin – holy crap you have to fucking love it.  Every damn day in summer should be called fucking skin day.

Second, it stays fucking light out and shit.   That way you have more time to do shit without have to use any fucking lights or anything.  You can sit out side and drink until all fucking night since not only is it fucking light but it’s also fucking warm.  Don’t be a fucking pussy.

Third, it’s OK to get totally wasted in the summer.  I don’t know why, but it just seems like people don’t mind when you get totally shit faced in the summer.  I mean if you show up someplace in the winter totally fucked up you’re gonna get the hairy eyeball.  Not so in the fucking summer – people just seem to smile and wave you right in – even if you puke.

Fourth, sex is way easier.  Combine my first three points – hot chicks, out all night and plenty of booze – and you get the final reason summer rocks.  Easy access to pussy.  I would give up every fucking holiday in the world for easy access to fucking pussy – wouldn’t you?  I mean fuck . . . hot chicks in skimpy outfits.  Sweating.  Getting drunk.  Sitting on picnic tables at like midnight.  Goin’ down on you?

Fuck man, summer fucking ROCKS!  Anyone who hates the summer is a stupid fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – What’s the shit?

Q – Dear A-hole – I like Coke, my BFF like Pepsi.  Which is better?  Lacy Ann R.

A – If your BFF is a chick, I think you need to settle the question by wrestling.  And taking lots of pictures of the two of you on the floor rolling around and shit.  Of course you should end the fight with some awesome make-up sex.  That’s what friends are for right?  No, seriously, I think it would be more than awesome for you and some other chick to get naked and nasty to defend the honor of your favorite sodas.  I’d even fucking ref (and by ref I mean let the two of you do me).

Fucking soda is pretty important shit and a person’s choice says a lot about them.  Soda is also something that people don’t swap like parters at a fucking key party either.  This shit is something that once you start you’re not going to fucking switch mid-fucking-gulp.

Myself, I drink fucking Coke.  If I’m someplace and ask for a Coke and am given a Pepsi instead I get fucking pissed off.  If I’d wanted a fucking Pepsi I would have fucking asked for one.  So in my book, Coke is the shit.  As is hot girl-on-girl action which you are totally free to help out with Lacy.  I’d even give you a Coke.

People who don’t respect other people’s soda preferences are assholes.