Dear A-Hole: Braid this

Q – Hi Asshole – My boyfriend is really into me having a really hairy bush so I haven’t shaved or trimmed or waxed it at all in three years.  The problem is the hair is so thick now we can barely find my pussy.  Any ideas?  Eve

A – First let me say that you and your fucking boyfriend are fucking disgusting and deserve each other.  Let me ask you – if he was into chicks w/ no ears would you cut yours off for him?  Come the fuck on, it’s your goddamn body (which is what women keep fucking saying at least) so deal with it the way you want and shit.

If I were him I’d consider myself fucking lucky not to be able to find your stinky pussy.  Matted under all that fucking hair it must be some stinky funky mess.  I wouldn’t fucking fuck you with a cab driver’s dick.  But listen, if you want your fucking cunt to be a hairy mess that’s your problem.  If you want to keep the hair out I do have an idea – braids.  You can make your muff look like Bo Derick or something with some braids and beads.  Not that it will make you any less fucking skanky but what the fuck I’m not a goddamn miracle worker.

Chicks like you who let their pubes go out of control – and the douche bag guys who fuck them – are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Say you ain’t gay Clay!

Q – Dear N.A. Hole – My heart feels like it’s been crushed by a giant boot! I just read that Clay Aiken is gay! Is this true? Marissa

A – Gee Marissa, why don’t you ask your fucking dad? I’m sure he’s blown him a time or two. Remember that I hate celebrities, so where this gross excuse for a homo sapien dips his schlong means nothing to me – less then fucking nothing to tell you the truth. In fact, if a fucking shark jumped out of a toilet and bit Clay Aiken’s dick right off I wouldn’t care.

But, because I care about douche bags like you Marissa I looked into this sorry excuse for a story and found that yes, Clay Aiken is gay. Despite his being as queer as a three dollar bill, the Clayblade still managed to convince some of his jizz to make the perilous journey up some woman’s vagina and into her fucking uterus to create a second generation of this fuck wad. Pretty fucking foul if you ask me.

Here’s a link to the story as penned by that crack investigative site, CNN.

How frigging grotesque

Now I know there are plenty of fucking women out there – mostly older, fatter, grosser women – who must (like you Marissa) must be heartbroken. But if you ask me – and you kind of fucking did – this guy would look better getting a face fist massage from yours truly. I want to fucking vomit. Just imaging this asshole climbing between some dumb douches legs and pumping his sad excuse for a cock up in there. Fuck. God that is fucking horrible.

I can’t even write any more. This visual is going to make me rip my fucking brain out. Cock holes like Aiken – and all the douche bags who love him – are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – You dirty bastard

Q – Hey A-dude – like the other day i was at a Starbucks and this guy was just like sitting at his table clipping his TOE NAILS.  So I don’t think that’s ok, do you?  Reba

A – Reba, you’re trying too fucking hard baby – “A-dude?” – that’s something only an asshole would call me, OK?  Just take a breath, relax and get ready for me to lay down some fucking wisdom on you.

That fucking guy at Starbucks was fucking foul.  I see people doing shit like that all the fucking time.  These assholes ought to be forced to eat whatever shit they pick, clip, scrape, etc of their crusty fucking bodies.  Just the other fucking day this guy was waiting for the train.  It was totally hot and sticky and shit.  He pulls out like a fucking wet wipe and begins wiping his face and shit.  Now I wouldn’t do it but that’s just fucking me.  Next he reaches over his fucking shoulder and begins wiping his sweaty-assed back.  Gross.  Next this fucking douche bag begins wiping his fucking face again – smearing greasy back sweat all over his fucking face.  Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with people?  It’s just fucking sick man.

Fucking gross assed fuck tards fucking suck shit . . . AND they’re fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Star Fuckers Suck

Q – N.A. Hole – you don’t seem very discriminating when it comes to chicks (except that girl that wanted to screw that actor).  Do you have any standards?  Nick

A – Not really.  Listen, I like fucking, OK?  I dig chicks and all the shit you can do to them and that they can fucking do to you.  That chick Nina, well, she’s an example of a fucking exception that I fucking hate: star fucker wannabes.

Let me fucking say that I hate star fuckers in general.  Real star fuckers take themselves out of circulation so they can catch fucking STDs from aging douche bags but I guess a girl’s got to have her fucking ambitions.  It just means less hot trim for those of us who are not fucking stars.

But star fucker wannabes are even fucking worse.  I was at a bar the other fucking night and these two skanks walk in and immediately start stinking the fucking place up with their overpoweringly shitty fucking perfume.  Both these fucking heifers were done up 80s style with teased up hair, tight Jordace-style fucking jeans and shitty Members Only jackets.

It was like they never fucking realized that the 80s were like almost 30 fucking years ago.  Both of them had huge red claws and their hands let anyone paying a-fucking-ttention know that their get up wasn’t some hokey costume but the real deal they’d been living in since “back in the fucking day.”

Their appearance alone was cock withering.  Unfortunately they also had to open their fucking mouths.  This was last fucking Friday and for whatever reason the bar wasn’t showing sports.  I fucking love sports and if it’s on I’ll watch it.  At home, in a bar, at a buddy’s house, wherever.  So this place instead of sports is showing fucking E! and Entertainment Tonight and shit.

These two never-weres plopped their fucking fat asses on four stools near me and began going the fuck off on shit that was on TV.  Talking about which celebs they’d like to “do.”  I was tempted to puke – just to get them to fucking move on but I fucking realized that this would suck for me more than it would for them so I just fucking sucked it up.

It was so obvious that any fucking celebrity would probably shoot themselves if these two hags ever got within 1000 yards of them that their conversation was just fucking ludicrous.  Between the two of them there was probably 400lbs of girl, 30 lbs of makeup and a couple of gallons of bleach and hairspray and a few ounces of fucking brain.  I mean shit, who the fuck wants to get mixed up in a mess like that?

But the fucking two of them went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.  “Ohhh, imagine what a good kisser he must be?”  “Ohhh, I’d catch Hep A from him any day.” “HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA, HHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA, oh, that’s good!”  “I can’t wait for the Oscars on Sunday – it’s going to be sssoooooooooooo gggooooooooooooddd.”

It’s at fucking times like this that I wish fucking bars sold Draino.

Has-been star fucker wannabes are assholes.