Dear A-hole – oh cum on

Q – this is kind of embarrasing to ask but i need some advice.  the other day i was at work and was on im with this chick and she was getting all dirty on the web cam for me and i ended up kind of toching my dick through my pants and ended up cumming.  i tried to be mellow but someone saw.  help.

A – You fucking douche bag.  You fucking jack off at work?  There’s nothing wrong with that but that’s what fucking stalls are for you idiot.  I would have just excused my self and gone and taken care of fucking business and no one would have been the wiser.  What to fucking do?  Well that depends.  If it was a dude that busted you you should have just said, “yeah man, my fucking cock needs a workout every few hours, you know what I mean?” and left it at that.  It it was a chick you should have fucking asked her to suck the jizz out for you.  Chicks dig the taste of cum and it would have probably been a nice fucking break for her, you know?

Another fucking thing you might want to consider is whether you need a fucking job at all.  I can sit around and jack off all day and not give a shit about what happens or who sees it because I’m just that fucking kind of a guy.

People who have trouble with cum stains on other people’s pants are assholes.

Dear A-hole: I’m Excited!

Q – How excited are you that Friday is the Fourth of July Mr. Hole?  I can’t tell you how much I like that holiday.  What I like the most is the fireworks.  Whenever they burst in the sky they make my dick hard.  Do they do that to you?  I like to like on my back and watch the show and masturbate.  Tony R.

A – Dude you’re seriously fucked up there buddy.  You really fucking jack off to fireworks?  That doesn’t even fucking make sense to me.  I mean sure fireworks are cool I guess but cool enough to make your fucking dick hard?  Give me a fucking break.  You know I’m here in Boston and they’re getting all fucking ready for the big event here on Friday – you may want to fucking steer clear: there’s a whole fucking barge filled with fireworks out on the river and I’d hate to accidentally see you jacking off like some sort of twisted fucking douche bag.  Get a fucking life.

People who jack off to weird shit are assholes.

Dear A-Hole: You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone

Q – Asshole? WTF? Where do you keep vanishing to all the time now? You used to be as reliable as a Swiss watch. Now you show up every few weeks. What gives? Tammi

A – What gives? I dunno. I fucking get busy and shit sometimes you know? I mean do you have any idea how many hours can be spent sitting in your fucking boxers with your fucking dick in one hand and a beer or a bong in the other? Let me tell you – it’s a-fucking-lot. Jesus, if I could it would be all I’d fucking do. Just getting wasted and jacking off . . .

Tammi, that’s a chick’s name, right? So listen, what would be even better than jacking off would be to have someone like you hanging around – you know – to fucking fuck or blow me and stuff. I was thinking about putting some fucking signs up and shit to see if I could find some hot blow monkey or something but that would mean putting on pants and going outside and shit. As it is, I can just sit around and not even fucking bother getting dressed.

And guess what? I don’t even need fucking money. I mean I need a little and all but here’s what I’ve been doing for the past few months and shit. I couch surf with fucking friends. That’s right, I don’t even have a fucking place anymore. And now I don’t have to pay any fucking bills and I hardly have to pay for fucking food. I am a fucking bum. I do nothing and I do it fucking well. I guess I kinda wear out my welcome sometimes – especially when I stay with people that have straight fucking jobs.

The other day I got kicked out by a friends wife cause I’d been sitting in the living room in the same chair in the same fucking boxers, for three days. I had a warm 30-pack of Busch (which blows big time but it was free) and a roll or paper towels. When she walked in with the baby the other day it was like she blew a fucking gasket or something. She starts screaming for her (obviously emasculated) husband and he’s all like “sorry man” and shit. WTF. I’m not gonna be naming fucking names but I can’t tell you how many times I let this little pussy smoke my weed for free. Asshole.

It’s kind of shitty in some ways – not having a fixed fucking abode any more – but it gives me so much fucking freedom and shit. No job, no home, no fucking bills or anything. Just me and the fucking generosity of my fucking friends. Really, when you think about it, it isn’t fucking shitty at all – it fucking rules big time.

Anyone not down with taking care of N.A. Hole for a while is an asshole. Just like my douche bag friend’s fucking uptight bitch of a wife.