Dear A-Hole – Smoke, Stroke or Toke?

Q – Hey bud–what if you could only choose one of these for every day of your life?  You can have it every day, for the rest of your life, but only one.  Which would it be:  a smoke, a toke, or a stroke?

A – This fucking question is kinda tricky since there is no answer that is right or fucking wrong.  I decided to test it out to see what sucked the most to give up and to see if there were any alternatives that might make giving one or the other up better or shit.

So first I tried not to fucking smoke.  OK, that isn’t easy.  The thing is, smoking is so fucking expensive now that if I did give it up I could have a shitload more fucking money in my pocket for the fucking good things in life.  Weed, girls, acid – you know.  So even though it would be fucking tough, I think I could give this shit up.

Next to stroking.  I am not going to beat around the fucking bush.  I love to jack off.  It’s like one of the best things about being a fucking guy.  There isn’t a fucking day that goes by when I don’t whip it out for a little self-satisfaction.  But here’s the thing – a chick can give you a fucking handjob too.  And they can do so much fucking more.  A chick can suck your cock or let you shove it into her pussy or ass, between her tits, the fucking works.  So if I could arrange for a chick to service me on a daily basis I think I could get away without stroking ever again.  Of course the chick would have to be smoking hot and there’d need to be a bunch of them to rotate so I didn’t get bored fucking them and shit.  But I can see how this would fucking work.

Finally: toking.  You’ve probably figured out – by the process of elimination – that this is the one I would have every fucking day.  Here’s why.  First of all, smoking weed makes whatever else you are doing that much fucking better.  Getting a blowjob?  Have some weed!  Taking a dump?  Have some weed!  Getting shitfaced in a bar?  Have some fucking weed.  No matter what you’re doing weed makes it better.  Second, weed is the only one that’s actually illegal and shit – so it makes it better.  Now maybe you live in fucking California and have glaucoma and shit so you can get it from your fucking doctor – but for the rest of us it’s a pain in the ass to get sometimes.  If I could have it easy every day I would sign up today.

So there you fucking have it – I would take weed every day over smoking butts or jacking off.  If you have a different opinion feel free to fucking share it; just be aware that your opinion is probably stupid and I’ll probably think you’re an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Are all guys pigs?

Q – Hello.  I am a fit and attractive 24 year old woman and I a question about guys.  I’m writing to you because I feel like you’ll tell it to me straight.  OK, here it is.  When I walk down the street, or sit in my cube, or wait in line at Dunks, or ride the train or anything I feel like guys are just staring at me.  What’s up with that?  It’s kind of creepy.  Estelle

A – Well Estelle it’s like this.  All guys need to shoot a fucking load every day.  It we don’t, our balls could swell up or something and really fucking hurt.  Now some guys have chicks they can bang on a daily basis to relieve the fucking pressure on their nuts while other guys are able to find a woman at random to help them take care of this potentially painful condition.  But most guys need to beat their meat.  This is where you come in.

See beating off isn’t like breathing or shit, you need some fucking inspiration and stuff – and what is more inspiring when it comes to beating off than some hot girl?  If there is something I sure don’t want to fucking know.  And to be fucking honest with you – guys I know who have a regular parking space for their junk still like to picture some hottie all spread and moaning when their fucking pulling in if you know what I mean.

I’m not gonna fucking lie to you, it’s happened on several occasions this week that I’ve spotted some fucking babe and added her to my catalog of nameless chicks to beat off to later (and maybe I fucking have, what about it?).  Rather than being all prissy about this, you should be flattered and do your best to help guys out.  Feel free to unbutton your shirt a little further, where shorter skirts and flash some snatch if the mood strikes you – and believe me, a little nip slip never fucking hurt no one.

I think you’ll find that you’re more popular than ever and you’ll be helping a lot of strange fucking guys keep their balls drained.

Chicks who worry about this kind of shit are assholes.

Dear A-hole: I’m Excited!

Q – How excited are you that Friday is the Fourth of July Mr. Hole?  I can’t tell you how much I like that holiday.  What I like the most is the fireworks.  Whenever they burst in the sky they make my dick hard.  Do they do that to you?  I like to like on my back and watch the show and masturbate.  Tony R.

A – Dude you’re seriously fucked up there buddy.  You really fucking jack off to fireworks?  That doesn’t even fucking make sense to me.  I mean sure fireworks are cool I guess but cool enough to make your fucking dick hard?  Give me a fucking break.  You know I’m here in Boston and they’re getting all fucking ready for the big event here on Friday – you may want to fucking steer clear: there’s a whole fucking barge filled with fireworks out on the river and I’d hate to accidentally see you jacking off like some sort of twisted fucking douche bag.  Get a fucking life.

People who jack off to weird shit are assholes.