Wanna take a shit

You know what fucking sucks?  Needing to take a fucking crap and there not being a single fucking bathroom in sight.  That’s what’s happening to me this very fucking second.  I can feel the shit building up but there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it.  Sure I’ve crapped my pants from time-to-time but I’m talking to this fucking chick who has no fucking idea what I’m writing or even that I need to shit.  She’s so fucking hot.  This fucking sucks.

Dear A-Hole – Time Flies – Celebs Dies

Q – Hasta La Vista NA?  So can’t help notice that there have been some tragic celeb deaths in recent days.  Given your feeling on celebrities, how does this all make you feel?  Cornhuskie

A – From some fucking song I think I heard in a douche bag commercial or something, “I’m walking on fucking sunshine.”  All of these dead and dying celebrities make more room for the deserving non-celebrities.  More fucking air for the rest us is what I fucking say!

Let’s look at last weeks rollcall in a bit more fucking detail, shall we?

Farah: Look, I’ll be honest, I probably beat my fucking meat to her poster more than a few fucking times.  I missed Charlie’s Angels when she was on it because I’m not fucking old.  But still, I think she would have looked hot sporting some of my man-chowder across her face.  Sorry she died and shit.

Michael Jackson: Grade-A freakazoidal douchbag.  WFT?  The fucking guy tries to change fucking races, bang fucking kids, keeps a fucking pet monkey and shit, acts like the freak to end all freaks and then pulls a Hank fucking Williams Sr.  It’s been fucking years (at fucking least) since I heard one of his shitty songs.  Even this past week with him being dead and all I managed not to hear even one little fucking bit.  Yay for me.

Billy Mays: You all know my fucking lifestyle – I stay up all night getting baked, jacking off, etc.  I also consume shitty TV the way some people drink water.  And there’s nothing surer about shitty TV than that you’re going to see Billy fucking Mays trying to sell you some shit.  I remember once I was fucking MESSED UP on shrooms or acid or something and suddenly felt this fucking connection with Billy.  I’m not trying to sound gay or anything but I fucking loved the guy.  There was just something about the way he was talking that fucking night that made a lot of fucking sense.  I can’t even remember what the fucking he was talking about but fuck – it really meant a lot to me at least.

Thankfully, none of these deaths was a personal tragidy for me.  I know that for some people life fucking has lost it’s fucking meaning since these bags bit it – not me baby.  I’m all about having a good fucking time and not giving two goat fucks about celebrities – living or fucking dead.

People who give a shit about this shit are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – S’not cool

Q – Hello N.A., this is REALLY embarassing.  I was at work yesterday and was picking my nose.  I got something that looked pretty good so I ate it.  The problem is a buddy saw me do it and told everyone.  Gene

A – Well Gene you’re officially a gross fucking douche bag.  What the fuck comes out of your nose that “looks pretty good?”  A steak, some marshmallows, a fucking chicken wing?  Help me out here buddy because the only fucking shit that ever comes out of my nose is blood or snot and nether of those look “pretty good” to me.  And certainly not good enough to fucking eat.

Even though you’re a gross fucking fuck, I’m still going to fucking give you a hand.  So now at work everyone hates you and gives you shit.  This is natural and you should expect it.  The solutions are limited – you could a) kill yourself – but this seems a little draconian, b) get a new job or c) kill everyone who knows.

A and C are a little fucking extreme so don’t do those.  I put them in for comic fucking relief.  Getting a new job is the only fucking answer.  Not just a new job though buddy, you’re going to need a new fucking identity in a city far away from whatever snot-munching shit-hole you currently call home.  Who the fuck knows, maybe there’s some tribe of snot-eaters somewhere who would welcome you with open arms and shit.  Good luck.

People who eat their snot are assholes.

True Fucking Story

So last fucking night I was in this fucking dive.  Being here in Kickassachusetts I stood in front and smoked some weed.  (That’s right restofthefuckingcountry, we can smoke dope all the time here.)  I went in an started to get fucking plastered and shit.  Anyway, I was standing there when a fucking foul-ass fart slipped out of my ass and wreaked havoc on the place.

This one dude, it’s first victim, called this other guy over so he’d have to smell it.  That led to the two of them arguing about who had done it.  Meanfuckingwhile I just stood there drinking my beer.  The think crept up the floor toward the stage, sending people gasping.  The dude who smelled it second went to work as a fucking town crier or something, running around like a douche bag warning people that it was coming.  This of course convinced more people that it was him.

I was there with this hot chick that I know pretty well.  She was cracking up about what was fucking happening and almost pissed her pants when I told her it was really me.

I love fucking farting and anyone who says they don’t are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – What?

Q – Dear Assholish One – I was at McDonald’s the other day – just relaxing and trying to eat – when some parents were going bananas shouting at their kids for being annoying.  It was like so annoying that I couldn’t deal with it.  Don’t people have any respect!?  Sven T.

A – Geez, I can hardly even figure out what the fuck you are even trying to ask me.  Don’t people have any respect?  Not for a douche like you I guess.  I mean lets fucking think about this – you go to McDonalds to relax?  I go to that shithole when I am baked and need some grease or something.  Like you, I do fucking hate it when I have to listen to fucking families bickering.  It’s totally fucking annoying.  The shrill sound of kids, the moaning bellowing of nutless parents, the grating non-stop wail. . .

But guess the fuck what?  That’s what you’re going to get there, OK?  See it’s designed to attract annoying people the way shit attracts flies.  If you want to relax there are tons of fucking places that are way better.  I like going to fucking peep-shows.  You know, the kind where you get your own booth.  You can just sit in there and chill without anyone bothering you.  And if you get bored you can put in a buck and jack off or something.  And the best fucking part is there are never any annoying families crowding up the joint.  Just be sure to wipe your shoes before you go into your pad if you know what I mean.

Bickering families fucking suck.  What a bunch of assholes.

Dear A-Hole: Braid this

Q – Hi Asshole – My boyfriend is really into me having a really hairy bush so I haven’t shaved or trimmed or waxed it at all in three years.  The problem is the hair is so thick now we can barely find my pussy.  Any ideas?  Eve

A – First let me say that you and your fucking boyfriend are fucking disgusting and deserve each other.  Let me ask you – if he was into chicks w/ no ears would you cut yours off for him?  Come the fuck on, it’s your goddamn body (which is what women keep fucking saying at least) so deal with it the way you want and shit.

If I were him I’d consider myself fucking lucky not to be able to find your stinky pussy.  Matted under all that fucking hair it must be some stinky funky mess.  I wouldn’t fucking fuck you with a cab driver’s dick.  But listen, if you want your fucking cunt to be a hairy mess that’s your problem.  If you want to keep the hair out I do have an idea – braids.  You can make your muff look like Bo Derick or something with some braids and beads.  Not that it will make you any less fucking skanky but what the fuck I’m not a goddamn miracle worker.

Chicks like you who let their pubes go out of control – and the douche bag guys who fuck them – are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Time on my hands

Q: Man im blazed outttta my mind. been tokin since 7am. i just had my girl over to fuck me, i played the guitar a bit and lit shit on fire, but im not even at munchies yet! my question is what the fuck should i do for my remaining 3 hours?   -smokin joe A – Dude, you’re my hero of the fucking morning.  Goddamn – a wake and bake and then some lovin’ for your trouser snake?  What a fucking awesome way to start the day.  If I were you, I’d make a beeline to the shitter and take a good morning dump.  Nothing says life is good more than a fucking crap.  Then I would maybe take a three second shower and get your girl in there to blow you.  Then I’d get baked again.  Then take a fucking nap.  Then wake up and get baked again.  And get laid.  Then get some fucking food and beer.  And do a bong hit.  Go outside and stumble around like a drunk and stoned super fucking star.  Sit in the fucking sun.  Get another blowjob.  Go to a bar.  Get more beer.  Take a leak.  Head over to Store 24 or something and grab some snacks and shit.  Go to a friends house and get baked again.  Brag about what an awesome fucking day I was having.  Maybe play some games and shit.  Call a different chick and head out to her place to fuck her.  Get stoned with her and get laid on the couch.  Have a beer.  Take her out for something to eat and shit.  Stick my hand down the front of her pants on the fucking train.  Go to some fucking nice store and act like an asshole for a while.  Try to convince the girl to suck me off in a changing room.  Go to the liquor store and grab some fucking booze.  Drink it out of a bag.  Sit on the steps of the library and watch people for a while.  Throw up a little.  Stagger into the fucking library to take a leak.  Share a joint in an alley with strangers.  Take a fucking nap on a bench.  Go home.  Crash on the couch.  Wake the fuck up and start it all over again. You’re one lucky fucking bastard Joe.  And anyone that doesn’t think so is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Naming Names

Q – I have a big problem.  I was fucking my girlfriend and didn’t pull out in time.  Now she’s saying she’s gonna have the baby.  A girl.  You might think I gotta lot to deal with but here’s my question: how would you choose a name?  Dribbles

A – Wow dude, it sounds like your boat of life totally fucking ran aground on the shoals of sloppy fucking.  Too fucking bad.  You should encourage said girlfriend to exercise her woman’s right and get thing out of there before it’s too fucking late.  Assuming you’ve already had that conversation you could also consider emigrating to fucking France or something – someplace far away where no one is going to rat you our or give you shit or anything.

Let’s say you have considered both of these obvious options (wink, wink) and for whatever reason feel like it still makes sense to accept responsibility for your girlfriends unwillingness to listen.  So you want a baby name.  OK.  You can go one of two ways and the process is the same in both cases – it just depends on what you want.  Here’s how it works.  Go go google images.  Turn off safe search and put in a chick’s name.  If you want a slut, choose a name that has lots of naked chicks.  If you don’t want a slut find a name that doesn’t have any naked chicks right away

Slut names:

• Ambe
• April
• Ann
• Bobbi
• Bridget
• Brianna
• Cindy
• Carla
• Connie
• Donna
• Debbie
• Daisy
• Ellie
• Elizabeth
• Erika

Fuck, as much as I’d like to keep helping I think I need to go and jack off.  The bottom fucking line is that every name is a fucking slut name.  All I can fucking say it you should get your fucking hoses crimped and your girlfriend is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Weight, weight

Q – Hi.  I am kind of shy so please don’t use my name, OK?  I am a 34 year old woman and am a little overweight.  I’ve lost a lot but still can’t get that last pesky 30 pounds off.  One of my girlfriends at work said you have good advice so I’m sending you this note.  Sassy McCormick

A – First, you need some new fucking friends because I only give out rude bullshit advice and they’re fucking with you.  Second, how the fuck is 30 fucking pounds “pesky”?  Fuck, if I lost 30 pounds  I’d be a fucking skeleton or something.  But hey, I don’t mean to be fucking rude or shit – I like girls of every shape and fucking size so you stand as good a chance as anyone of becoming Ms. Hole.

Third – what the fuck is up with your name?  I know you asked me not to use it and shit but guess what – I’m an asshole.  You can’t tell me that’s your real fucking shit.  I’m not going to buy it – sorry.

But on to your fucking question.  Listen – like they fucking say – there’s more than one fucking way to skin a cat and when it comes to shedding a few unwanted pounds it’s totally a fucking snap.  Just cut off a leg.  That’s what I would do.  A leg has got to be 30 fucking pounds or something, right?  I’ll be that legs are like 30 pounds and arms are maybe 10.  That’s 80 fucking pounds of dead weight you can get rid of.

Before you go and say that it would cost too much to get your arms and legs cut off, let me suggest your open your fucking mind a little.  Don’t go to a doctor, they will charge you an arm and a leg (oh fuck am I fucking funny or what).  Just go to a vet or something and tell them you want the excess taken off.  I don’t think most of them would object or anything.  Seriously though, don’t have all four taken off – you need an arm at least for eating and wiping your ass and shit.

Let me know how the fuck it goes and seriously, your fucking friends are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I feel good

Q – Gotta a good one today.  What’s the best feeling in the world.  Lucky

A – Fuck man there are so many of them.  Getting a hummer, taking a piss, that 14th beer, a solid fucking bong hit, fuck, I could go for some kind of good fucking feeling right now – but today one stands out above all the rest.  It’s a little fucking something that I like to call – scientifically speaking – post-defecation elation.  You know what I’m fucking talking about.  You take a huge fucking dump and you feel 20 pounds fucking lighter.  I got off the fucking can earlier today with a forearm-sized shitsnake coiled in the bowl and a huge fucking grin on my face.

Thankfully I dropped this one in a public bathroom cause there was no fucking way it was going anywhere if you know what I mean.   I gave it a flush but it just fucking sat there.  I walked the fuck out with a happy little tune in my heart.  I love taking a good shit.

People who don’t sing the praises of their turds are assholes.