Dear A-hole – oh cum on

Q – this is kind of embarrasing to ask but i need some advice.  the other day i was at work and was on im with this chick and she was getting all dirty on the web cam for me and i ended up kind of toching my dick through my pants and ended up cumming.  i tried to be mellow but someone saw.  help.

A – You fucking douche bag.  You fucking jack off at work?  There’s nothing wrong with that but that’s what fucking stalls are for you idiot.  I would have just excused my self and gone and taken care of fucking business and no one would have been the wiser.  What to fucking do?  Well that depends.  If it was a dude that busted you you should have just said, “yeah man, my fucking cock needs a workout every few hours, you know what I mean?” and left it at that.  It it was a chick you should have fucking asked her to suck the jizz out for you.  Chicks dig the taste of cum and it would have probably been a nice fucking break for her, you know?

Another fucking thing you might want to consider is whether you need a fucking job at all.  I can sit around and jack off all day and not give a shit about what happens or who sees it because I’m just that fucking kind of a guy.

People who have trouble with cum stains on other people’s pants are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Yellow Rain

Q – Asshole, this is kind of embarrassing but I figure it’s safe to bring up using a fake name.  Today I had a big meeting at my office.  Just before the meeting I went to the bathroom.  Unfortunately, I didn’t shake well and ended up with a big dark piss stain on the front of my khakis.  Thankfully I was able to hide it – but good gracious it was touch and go!  Louis Leaky

A – You’re a fucking douche bag.  Exhibit a) khakis?  what they fuck are you, some kind of fucking jungle explorer or something?  Exhibit b) a “big” meeting.  WFT, were you like solving the fucking money problems or just playing grabass with yourself in the fucking janitor’s closet?  Exhibit c) “safe using a fake name” and then using “Louis Leaky” – that’s so fucking dumb it hurts.  Exhibit d) “good gracious.”

Buddy, you got a lot more to fucking worry about than a little piss on the front of your fucking asshole pants.  Try taking a little time to reflect on what a piece of shit you probably are.  Listen, that piss was like the real you trying to get the fuck out of the hell you’ve created fro yourself.  It was like a little of you saying, “hey, don’t forget me – I used to be cool and could drink all night and didn’t care if I pissed my fucking pants.”

Me?  I don’t give a shit.  If I get a little piss on my pants who cares.  If anyone says anything I look down and say something like, “Goddammit, I told that fucking slut to swallow.”  That usually stops the conversation dead in its fucking tracks.

But seriously, sober guys who piss their pants (like you) are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Missing: one toilet

Q – Hey – hoping you canhelp me understand a really frustrating situation.  Whenever I am out it seems like I suddenly need to take a crap.  But every bathroom is for customers and I can’t use them.  Help!  Emile

A – So let me ask something – are you a guy or a girl?  I mean is your name like a stupid French name or a stupid spelling for Emily?

Your fucking problem sucks.  But it can be solved.  Here are a few fucking ideas.  First, take a crap before you go out.  That way your fucking colon will be empty and you won’t need to shit while you’re out.  That assumes you have access to a toilet before going out – which I guess might not be the case.  If not, find a secluded spot in the woods or something and take a dump there.

Second, just use the fucking bathroom.  Do you really give a shit if the sign says for customers only?  Hell, you might have been a customer in the past and you might be one in the future.  Just grab a seat and shed some brown pounds.  What are they going to fucking do?  Chase you out with a turd hanging out of you like a fucking tail?  I don’t think so.

Third, you could just shit your pants.  Who gives a fuck?  Just open up the sluice gates and let it flow.  Be sure to hang out in whatever store has every told you no  in the fucking past.  You stinking the fucking place up with a load of new-laid crap steaming in your pants will be a fucking hit.

Look, a persons got to do what they have to fucking do – and anyone that tries to stop them is a fucking asshole.