You know what sucks about having a giant fucking cock? Having to piss in those shitty low urinals and shit. What the fuck though, it’s not like I want my goddamn cockhead splashing around in some other douche bags piss or anything so I gotta use they kid’s fucking toilet.
January 8, 2009
October 10, 2008
Dear A-Hole – Yellow Rain
Q – Asshole, this is kind of embarrassing but I figure it’s safe to bring up using a fake name. Today I had a big meeting at my office. Just before the meeting I went to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I didn’t shake well and ended up with a big dark piss stain on the front of my khakis. Thankfully I was able to hide it – but good gracious it was touch and go! Louis Leaky
A – You’re a fucking douche bag. Exhibit a) khakis? what they fuck are you, some kind of fucking jungle explorer or something? Exhibit b) a “big” meeting. WFT, were you like solving the fucking money problems or just playing grabass with yourself in the fucking janitor’s closet? Exhibit c) “safe using a fake name” and then using “Louis Leaky” – that’s so fucking dumb it hurts. Exhibit d) “good gracious.”
Buddy, you got a lot more to fucking worry about than a little piss on the front of your fucking asshole pants. Try taking a little time to reflect on what a piece of shit you probably are. Listen, that piss was like the real you trying to get the fuck out of the hell you’ve created fro yourself. It was like a little of you saying, “hey, don’t forget me – I used to be cool and could drink all night and didn’t care if I pissed my fucking pants.”
Me? I don’t give a shit. If I get a little piss on my pants who cares. If anyone says anything I look down and say something like, “Goddammit, I told that fucking slut to swallow.” That usually stops the conversation dead in its fucking tracks.
But seriously, sober guys who piss their pants (like you) are fucking assholes.
September 19, 2008
Dear A-Hole – Me me me me me me me me me
Q – Asshole – I was trying to get on the subway the other day and there was a family with two kids in a STROLLER taking up a ton of room. It was RUSH HOUR mind you and I – and my fellow passengers – thought it was very very rude. Cicily
A – That’s really fucking annoying. But then so are you. First let’s look at the fucking situation – any time some fucking piece of shit consumes more than their fair fucking share it fucking sucks shit. Especially if what they are taking is my slice of the fucking pie. I’d even go further than bitching about fucking babies and their fucking crap (all of which I hate like fucking cancer or something); let me add a few more fucking things that suck on trains:
- People in fucking wheelchairs – they take up a shit load of fucking space. People in electric wheelchairs suck even more since they think they own the fucking road with their little Lark and Rascal Douche Bag movers
- People with fucking walkers – god they fucking suck – bumping into you and shit – and they’re so fucking slow – and half the time they’re fucking drooling and shit and tottering around like they’re going to croak at any fucking second
- Smug douche bags with their little fucking folding bikes – why the fuck are these cockholes even on the fucking train; ride you bike asshole
- Blind people – with their fucking sticks banking into people fucking legs and shit – two words: fuck you (I mean shit, if I got onto a train and hit someone with a stick I’d be in deep shit – they get fucking misplaced fucking sympathy)
- Fucking totally fat people – they just take up way too fucking much space. When the fucking drop their extra ample asses on the little benches it’s like a trash bag filled with fucking pudding spreading to fill all the available space.
- People with fucking luggage and shit – if you have the money to travel get a fucking taxi, OK? None of us are impressed with you crap filling the fucking car.
- People who shit or piss themselves or smell be in general – I fucking hate having to smell someone else’s fucking stick. Take a fucking shower AND a piss AND a fucking shit BEFORE you take the fucking train.
- Ugly fucking people – one of the best fucking things about public transportation is the fucking eye candy – especially in the fucking summer when it’s all hot out and shit and girls dress like they want to fuck right now. That fucking vibe can be spoiled in a fucking second if you have to look on some ugly chick. Gross.
If we could get these fuckwads off the trains life would fucking rock. That’s not going to fucking happen though because these people are asshole and there are like 1,000,000 assholes for every non-asshole. It fucking sucks.
February 19, 2008
Dear A-Hole – Pissing my pants
Q – Hi. I’m an asshole like you. It’s hard for me to get jobs and stuff and I just got one working in a garment sweat shop in New York where I make hats. The work sucks but it’s a paycheck I guess. The biggest problem is that we can only go to the bathroom twice a day and I guess I have a small bladder. Help! Contance
A – Why not give me a harder fucking question next time. This one is too fucking easy. Just piss in your fucking pants. Bring some clean fucking clothes in a bag and at the end of the fucking day put them on. You might still smell kind of like piss but who gives a fucking shit? After a few days of seeing and smelling you covered in piss, the assclowns who make the fucking rules with either a) let you go to the bathroom whenever you fucking need to or b) fucking fire your piss stinky mother fucking ass.
My bet is on “b” but what the fuck are you going to do. Douche bags like the ones you work for are fucking assholes. I hope the fucking hats they sell cause cancer.
