Dear A-Hole: Write in? Write on!

Q – I can’t believe I am writing to you.  I support a group called Jesus for President and given the nature of your blog want to encourage you to think long and hard about what you are doing and to consider how you might use your site (which is funny even though it is very wrong) to help to encourage people to think for themselves.  Steve

A – Ok, ok, ok, ok.  At first I thought this was a fucking joke but then I hoped onto someone else’s broadband and did a little fucking research and shit.  Steve, I got to hand it to you – you weren’t fucking kidding.  There really is this thing Jeebus for President.  I thought you had to be at least 35 and American and alive to be President but I guess I fucking thought wrong.

I was fucking thinking about voting the other day – but it turns out that the election here happened a while ago and I guess I fucking missed it or something.  They should put shit about it on the TV or something so that I know about it and shit.  I don’t even fucking know how to do it so I would need some help or something – someone to show me what lever to push or something.

I mean do I need to have a driver’s license to vote?  Can I just use my old library card?  I have no fucking clue.  And like right now I am so fucking out of it I can’t even remember who the fuck is running.  I know that Mitt Romney was or something, and that chick and that Orama guy from Ohio or something . . . and now I guess Jesus too.  Fuck.  Politics is confusing this time of the day.  I should go to sleep or something; maybe watch the fucking TV (besides fucking sports, video games and pron DVDs) or surf the fucking Web for something besides fucking tits and ass and pussy and shit.

Maybe puking would be good?  That might fucking help.  Be right back.  Fuck.  Puking didn’t help.  My fucking nose and throat burn now and I feel fucking worse.  I’m going back to the fucking couch.  Shit.  I hear people awake upstairs.  I guess my fucking antics in the bathroom woke somebody up.  Fuck them, they need to go to work soon anyway.

I guess I gotta fucking get ready to vote or something.  People that confuse me are fucking assholes.

Asshole of the Week – Another fucking fist (up the ass)

For reasons I can’t fucking explain, I was watching the Iowa shit last fucking night.  I was picking up some shit and the guy had it on so I ended up fucking sitting there, pulling tubes and watching.

Now if you fucking watched, you will have seen a fucking shitload of fucking assholes last night (I sure did).  There was that asshole Chris “Hardballs” Matthews, Keith “I got the fucking sides of my fucking head frosted” Oberman, Tim “I look like a potato” Russert just to name a fucking few.

And then there were the fucking candidates and their fucking lackies all jumping around like a bunch of fucking dicks and douche bags.  Watching this shit started to make my eyes hurt so I had to smoke more dope (glaucoma).

Suddenly, I’m thinking this fucking shit must be fucking awesome because I see this fucking grinning asshole bouncing across the screen like the fucking bouncing ball on a sing-a-long show.  It’s all hairy and it’s bouncing up and down behind Mike Smellslikepee.

Before my mind can even form the fucking words, one of the other guys in the room shouts out, “Holy fucking shit, it’s Chuck fucking Norris.”  And in that fucking instant, I knew who would be named this week’s Asshole of the Week.

I’m sure I’ve seen millions of hours of Chuck Norris movies in my day but so fucking what.  Does that mean I want to see his hairy fucking mug mooning at the camera at some political rally?  No fucking way.  Look, this guy should have gone the way of the fucking dod0 years ago but then a fucking bunch of jackoffs started that fucking Chuck Norris list shit and got everyone fucking all hard for him again.

Next fucking thing you know fucking Mountain Dew has him on a fucking commercial and someone who should have eased gently into the shadows of “Alive or Dead” is suddenly culturally relevant again.  And by some fucking sick twist of fate, he ends up stumping (or is it humping) for Mike Fuckorpee.  Is this a fucking fucked up country or what?

And so, for moving from fucking box office bully to tonuge-in-cheek cultural caricature to dais-hogging celebritician, Chuck Norris gets this weeks fucking laurels.

Dear A-Hole – I-a-won!

Q – N.A. – I am worried that I’m going to lose my job.  Why?  Because I didn’t go to work today?  Why?  Because I can’t pull myself away from the scintillating pre-Iowa caucus on CNN.  Pretty gripping, don’t you think?  Floam

A – Listen Floam, I got something for you to fucking grip hanging right between my fucking legs (unless you’re a fucking guy).  I hope you’re being fucking sarcastic because if this is fucking exciting to you your fucking life must really fucking suck.  I don’t even know what day this fucking thing is happening, how it fucking works or why it even fucking matters.

News Flash – the fucking election isn’t for another 11 fucking months.  Who gives a stumbling monkey-fuck which one of these shitbirds wins in fucking Iowa.  (No offense to any fucking Iowans by the way, just in case I decide to run for fucking office there or something.  You guys apparently have some pretty fucking tall corn and shit, right?)

I’d get more fucking excited watching a fucking show on fucking penguins or something than these dry humps mouthing off all the fucking time.  I flicked over to CNN just to see what the fuck is worth losing your fucking job over and I saw one dusty looking fuck droning on and fucking on, followed by a fucking woman with a fucking grin on her face that made her look like I was going down on her.  WTF?

People who get caught up on this shit are assholes.