Movie Review – Zack and Miri

So I don’t go to fucking movies that fucking much.  They cost too much fucking money and most of them suck shit.  But this chick I’ve been hoping to bone asked me if I wanted to see this Porno thing with her and I thought it was green lights all the way so I say “fuck yeah!”

As usual, I misjudged the fucking situation.  First of all, I got totally shitfaced on saturday afternoon.  I mean like way, way, way over the fucking line.  I didn’t puke but it might have been better if I had.  So anyway, we agreed to meet at the fucking food court at the mall (her idea, not mine).  I ate a bunch of free samples and shit off toothpicks while I was waiting for her to show up.  I had total bedspins but I was standing and that really sucked.

She shows up and looks fucking fantastic and shit.  Totally fucking hot.  I would have plowed her right there if I had the chance but she was all “let’s go” and shit so we went.  When we got to the movies I realized I had no money with me.  Kinda awkward but should have been a surprise to her.  We get in and I start reaching for her – totally awesome tits.  She kinda giggled which was a good sign.

The movie starts and I am thinking porn and am hoping for a nice mid-movie blowjob or something.  But guess what – there’s like NO FUCKING PORN.  For ages it’s a bunch of fucking whining and shit.  Then a bunch of stupid shit.  Then – finally – there is some fucking porno like shit – but it’s like two gay dudes talking – color me fucking limp.

Next they have some auditions for people to be in this porn movie they say they are making and there some tits – which is good.  Then there’s some fucking – but it’s like you can’t see anything.  Tits swinging is as good as it fucking gets.  No fucking spread beaver, no slurping blowjobs – nothing.

There was one fucking dick at the end of the movie – but guess what: if I want to see a dick I can look at my own whenever I fucking want.  To top it all fucking off – even though I tried to guide my dates head into my lap – I didn’t even get a blowjob.  And I puked in the theater (I fucking turned my head the other way so I don’t think she saw).

All in all, it fucking sucked.  If you want porn check online – it’s free and better than this fucking movie.

Dear A-Hole – Naked as the Day is Long

Q – Dear Asshole – I was perusing the ol’ Internet today looking for wank-worthy chicks when I came across a story about the French President’s wife posing nekkid.  She’s pretty hot.  Would you say she’s worth a spank, a yank or a wank?  Crazy Otter.

A – Hell yeah.  I went and found the story myself and have to say that as far as First Ladies go she’s pretty fucking hot.  It always seems that by the time some dude has the juice the be top-dog his wife is some fucking dessicated old bag.  Not this fucking time.  I guess Sarkozy was pretty fucking smart to wait until he had the juice before he went wife shopping so he didn’t get there and have to start up with the wife-swapping.

The pics are pretty old – I mean shit, they’re in fucking black and white even.  You’d think that if you were going to take pictures of a chick you’d want them to be in full-fucking-color.  But I guess it’s fucking possible that they didn’t have color cameras and shit in France yet.  The other thing that pisses me off about this fucking story is that the pictures aren’t all over the fucking Web yet (or maybe I’m just too fucking lazy to bother looking for them).

Sure, the shot CNN has makes her look hot and all, but what kind of douche bag covers up the fun bags with a black fucking box?  I’ll tell you – a fucking asshole douche bag, that’s who.

And why the fuck isn’t she spreading her fucking snatch?  That makes for a much better fucking picture if you ask me.  And how about a dick in her mouth or something?  I’ve heard that the French are all into romance and shit but looking at this picture I think they have a few fucking things to learn:

• Color camera
• Bare breasts
• Spread snatch
• Dick in mouth

If they get this shit sorted out then I’d say she’s clearly worth a quick tug job.

People who make pictures of chicks that don’t show everything are assholes.

Asshole of the Week – And a Dick to Boot!

Yours fucking truly sure has been a fucking cock hole lately.  I mean shit, what the fuck?  I haven’t written a goddamn fucking word in like a friggin week.  Well, I’d say I’m fucking sorry but I’m an asshole, remember?  So who gives a shit.

I do want to recognized another fucking asshole though, one that’s probably more fucking famous and shit than me but one who sucks WAY more fucking ass than I ever fucking will (unless all of the asses are attached to totally fucking hot chicks).

As I fucking think I’ve probably fucking said a million fucking times, I hate TV.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t fucking watch that shit from time to fucking time.  Tonight was one of those fucking times – and I wasn’t even fucking wasted.  (I was actually at my fucking girlfriend’s parent’s house.)

Anyway, they fucking love Law and Order.  I think that if that show had a fucking pussy her dad would probably fuck it he loves it that fucking much.  So we’re fucking watching TV after dinner and shit and there’s this cute episode on the sex one, SUV or whatever.  It features a kid raping a bunch of other kids (with some Jewish suspects thrown in for good fucking measure).

(Let me lay a reason to fucking hate this show on all of you – who the fuck let’s their kids act on this show?  I mean I’m into porn as much as the next guy, but that doesn’t mean I’d let my kids (were I to ever fucking have them, which is not very likely) to go on TV talking about porn and rape and sex and shit.  But on this fucking show, they always have little kids as the victims – so do the parent’s practice the lines with the kids?  “So sweetheart, you’re going to pretend to walk into school with blood coming out your ass from being raped.  Let’s see you practice.”  Like WFT?)

All this is just a lead up to this week’s (OK, last week’s belated) Asshole of the Week:

Dick Wolfe, the creator of fucking Law & Order.

What fucking especially pissed me off tonight – beside the fact that I was straight AND sober AND stuck with my girlfriend’s fucking parents AND am not going to get laid – is the fact that this jizz bomb, who pumps more fucking perverse fucking shit onto TV than anyone, has the balls to do a fucking show hating on fucking porn.  C’mon cock hound, it’s your fucking bread and butter.

So for the fucking hypocrisy and fucking holier than though bullshit excreted by Wolfe’s fucking programs, I award him the coveted Asshole of the Week – which he can shove up his ass with his other fucking prized and shit.