Movie Review – Zack and Miri

So I don’t go to fucking movies that fucking much.  They cost too much fucking money and most of them suck shit.  But this chick I’ve been hoping to bone asked me if I wanted to see this Porno thing with her and I thought it was green lights all the way so I say “fuck yeah!”

As usual, I misjudged the fucking situation.  First of all, I got totally shitfaced on saturday afternoon.  I mean like way, way, way over the fucking line.  I didn’t puke but it might have been better if I had.  So anyway, we agreed to meet at the fucking food court at the mall (her idea, not mine).  I ate a bunch of free samples and shit off toothpicks while I was waiting for her to show up.  I had total bedspins but I was standing and that really sucked.

She shows up and looks fucking fantastic and shit.  Totally fucking hot.  I would have plowed her right there if I had the chance but she was all “let’s go” and shit so we went.  When we got to the movies I realized I had no money with me.  Kinda awkward but should have been a surprise to her.  We get in and I start reaching for her – totally awesome tits.  She kinda giggled which was a good sign.

The movie starts and I am thinking porn and am hoping for a nice mid-movie blowjob or something.  But guess what – there’s like NO FUCKING PORN.  For ages it’s a bunch of fucking whining and shit.  Then a bunch of stupid shit.  Then – finally – there is some fucking porno like shit – but it’s like two gay dudes talking – color me fucking limp.

Next they have some auditions for people to be in this porn movie they say they are making and there some tits – which is good.  Then there’s some fucking – but it’s like you can’t see anything.  Tits swinging is as good as it fucking gets.  No fucking spread beaver, no slurping blowjobs – nothing.

There was one fucking dick at the end of the movie – but guess what: if I want to see a dick I can look at my own whenever I fucking want.  To top it all fucking off – even though I tried to guide my dates head into my lap – I didn’t even get a blowjob.  And I puked in the theater (I fucking turned my head the other way so I don’t think she saw).

All in all, it fucking sucked.  If you want porn check online – it’s free and better than this fucking movie.

Dear A-Hole: Write in? Write on!

Q – I can’t believe I am writing to you.  I support a group called Jesus for President and given the nature of your blog want to encourage you to think long and hard about what you are doing and to consider how you might use your site (which is funny even though it is very wrong) to help to encourage people to think for themselves.  Steve

A – Ok, ok, ok, ok.  At first I thought this was a fucking joke but then I hoped onto someone else’s broadband and did a little fucking research and shit.  Steve, I got to hand it to you – you weren’t fucking kidding.  There really is this thing Jeebus for President.  I thought you had to be at least 35 and American and alive to be President but I guess I fucking thought wrong.

I was fucking thinking about voting the other day – but it turns out that the election here happened a while ago and I guess I fucking missed it or something.  They should put shit about it on the TV or something so that I know about it and shit.  I don’t even fucking know how to do it so I would need some help or something – someone to show me what lever to push or something.

I mean do I need to have a driver’s license to vote?  Can I just use my old library card?  I have no fucking clue.  And like right now I am so fucking out of it I can’t even remember who the fuck is running.  I know that Mitt Romney was or something, and that chick and that Orama guy from Ohio or something . . . and now I guess Jesus too.  Fuck.  Politics is confusing this time of the day.  I should go to sleep or something; maybe watch the fucking TV (besides fucking sports, video games and pron DVDs) or surf the fucking Web for something besides fucking tits and ass and pussy and shit.

Maybe puking would be good?  That might fucking help.  Be right back.  Fuck.  Puking didn’t help.  My fucking nose and throat burn now and I feel fucking worse.  I’m going back to the fucking couch.  Shit.  I hear people awake upstairs.  I guess my fucking antics in the bathroom woke somebody up.  Fuck them, they need to go to work soon anyway.

I guess I gotta fucking get ready to vote or something.  People that confuse me are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Crappy New Year!

Q – I don’t really have a question but wanted to say that I’ve been reading your blog for a while and like it a lot.  Have a good 2008!  Mimi M.

A – Let me fucking start by saying happy fucking New Year to everyone.  Now let me quickly move on to unloading a fucking batch of fucking shit that happened last fucking night and this morning.  The first fucking thing you should fucking know is that I stiff haven’t been to goddamn bed yet and it hasn’t been all fucking fun and games.

So last fucking night, I was going to a fucking party and shit when a fucking buddy calls me to tell me to tune into a local radio station here in fucking Boston.  Whenever I remember, I enter radio contests just to see if they’ll say “N.A. Hole” on the air if I win.  (I usually don’t and they never do.)

It turns out that this particular DJ was too fucking dumb to know what he was doing and started saying my fucking name an saying I had 2008 seconds to call in to win.  It turns out that 2008 seconds is like half an hour or something.  My fucking buddy hears it, calls me and I call in and fucking win.

So what did I win?  A fucking trolly booze tour around the city.  Yep, I got free booze for me and 20 friends from 9:00 to 1:00 on New Year’s eve.  Now this would rock – IF I had 20 friends that I fucking wanted to share this shit with but I don’t.  Instead, I was able to scare up five guys and we headed down to where we were supposed to meet the van guy.

It fucking turns out that he doesn’t have any fucking route or shit in mind – he’s just going to drive wherever we fucking want him to fucking go.  Now if you fucking ask me, this is a bad idea.  We were already wasted when we got to the fucking van and when we heard this we had all kinds of fucking good ideas.

One guy wanted to go to fucking Foxwoods, another guy wanted to go the New York, I was thinking of heading north of the border but the dude put the kibosh on all our fucking plans.  We could go anywhere that would allow him to dump our sorry asses out in the greater Boston area by 1:00.

With that fucking bubble burst, we settled into plotting a course that would take us by parties we know about or friends houses or shit.  We kept stopping here and there – drinking, passing out free booze, taking leaks, etc.

It was fucking like 1:30 and the driver dude was getting fucking pissed.  We were pretty out in the middle of nowhere totally drunk and lost (he knew where we were but I had no fucking clue).  He pulled off into a fucking Taco Bell parking lot in fucking Framingham or something and tells us it’s past his fucking bedtime and that it’s time for us to get out.

There was some disagreement over this – as well as whether we could take all of the unopened bottles and shit.  In the end – I think just to get rid of us – he let us take a box of bottles.  We got the fuck out of that shitty fucking truck thing and just sat down to drink.  I totally fucking puked but was cool with it since it meant I could fucking drink some more.

We started looking around and shit and saw a house with a shitload of fucking cars so we headed over.  It was a bunch of Brazilians having a party.  They were happy to fucking see us when we went in with boxes of booze.  It was fucking fun – until about 9:00 this fucking morning.

At some point during the fucking night, all my pals had vacated the fucking premises and I was drinking on my own – not only that, but pretty much everyone was either passed out or gone. Except for the fucking people whose fucking house it was.  I’d puked a few  more times and was being pretty loud or something.   I guess they wanted me out of there  cause at 9:00 I got shown the door.

This wouldn’t have been that big a deal except I couldn’t find my fucking shoes or shit.  This dude didn’t seem to fucking care though and eventually just kind of shoved me out into the fucking snow.  I was so fucking drunk that I could barely stand up but let me tell you I sobered up pretty fucking quickly stand out there in my fucking sox.

I walked for a fucking while and eventually kind of recognized where I was.  I think I’ve mentioned a friend who lives out in the suburbs and I was kind of close to his fucking house so I called him.  I had to call over and over until his wife (who hates me) answered the fucking phone.

When she heard my voice she just passed the phone.  It took some fucking convincing, but my shithead suburban douche bag pal eventually agreed to pick me up.  He made me fucking wait until like 10:30 but her eventually showed up and brought me back to his fucking place.  Which is where I fucking am now.

I’m a fucking mess.  There’s fucking puke all over my pant legs.  My socks are a la curt fucking shilling and i don’t know if i’m still drunk or if i’m starting a waking fucking hangover.  Anyhow, thanks for saying happy new year mimi, but for me this one is already fucking pretty fucking crappy.