Dear A-Hole: Braid this

Q – Hi Asshole – My boyfriend is really into me having a really hairy bush so I haven’t shaved or trimmed or waxed it at all in three years.  The problem is the hair is so thick now we can barely find my pussy.  Any ideas?  Eve

A – First let me say that you and your fucking boyfriend are fucking disgusting and deserve each other.  Let me ask you – if he was into chicks w/ no ears would you cut yours off for him?  Come the fuck on, it’s your goddamn body (which is what women keep fucking saying at least) so deal with it the way you want and shit.

If I were him I’d consider myself fucking lucky not to be able to find your stinky pussy.  Matted under all that fucking hair it must be some stinky funky mess.  I wouldn’t fucking fuck you with a cab driver’s dick.  But listen, if you want your fucking cunt to be a hairy mess that’s your problem.  If you want to keep the hair out I do have an idea – braids.  You can make your muff look like Bo Derick or something with some braids and beads.  Not that it will make you any less fucking skanky but what the fuck I’m not a goddamn miracle worker.

Chicks like you who let their pubes go out of control – and the douche bag guys who fuck them – are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Have we got a deal for you!

Dear applicant, we have found a suitable job for you in the Gulf area which matches your interests and your qulifications, to apply kindly submit your C.V as soon as possible

Kind regards,
Recruitment dept., Dubai Jobs

—–

Dear Cocksucker, while I don’t fucking remember ever talking to anyone about wanting to work in any fucking shithole in the Gulf OR even having a fucking passport which would allow me to work there even if I fucking wanted to – I suppose that in a drunken or drug-addled state I might have done it.

Rest assured though that I have less than ZERO interest in working period, let alone working in the fucking Persian Gulf.  I would be happy to send you a copy of my C-fucking-V if I’d ever bothered to make one (which I totally fucking haven’t).  Actually, even if I did have one I wouldn’t send it to you.

The last fucking thing I need to so be frog marched out of whatever fucking temporary abode I find myself living in, drugged, loaded onto some plane and flown to some banana republic to have my fucking organs harvested.  Waking up in a hotel bathtub packed with ice and a big raw set of slopping stitches circling my body isn’t my idea of fucking fun buddy.

See, I know all about these asshole fucking scams – they promise you the moon – everything man, all the tits you can suck and all the pussy you can eat – then, right when you’re getting used to the good life: wham!  You’ve hogtied and some bastard is collecting your corneas.  Fuck that shit.

People with deals that are too good to be true are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I’ve been to England I’ve been to France . . .

Q – Hey AHole – is there anything better about living in the city in the summer than walking by some park or plaza and being able to look up chick’s skirts?  If there is I don’t wanna know about it.  Yours in Christ, Johnny

A – Whoa, whoa, whoa there pardner – “Yours in Christ?”  Why the fuck have people started getting all god and shit on me all of the fucking sudden?  I mean I’m sitting here reading your fucking email about crotch and suddenly you bust out with the Jesus.  WTF?  I’ll give you a fucking Mulligan though because it’s such a good fucking question.

The short answer is “no.”  There really are few things fucking better than sitting on a bench or something and checking out chick’s crotchal zones – especially when it is through the aperture of spread knees and an open skirt.  I don’t really care what color they are myself or whatever kind of fucking fabric or shit – I just love the fucking view of that thin little triangle that covers what every motherfucker wants.

Once in a great while you can also hit the jackpot: some enlightened chick who knows how good it feels to go fucking commando and air herself out on a summer day.  There is nothing – I fucking repeat NOTHING – wrong with a woman who wants to show off her fucking pussy.  In fact, I think that it’s a good thing and that woman should be encouraged to feel proud and show them off more often.

The fucking worst thing is when you see some check getting ready to sit down and as she spreads her fucking legs you realize she isn’t wearing a skirt at all but those stupid fucking skirt short things.  Those fucking things should be fucking banned.

Any chick not willing to flash some panties (at least) once in a while is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole: Disasterbation

Q – Dear Ass – I heard that every time one of you pigs jacks off God kills a kitten.  What about it?  How many kittens did you kill today?  Cherry Pi

A – You sound like a total fucking piece of shit.  I’ll you what – that shit just isn’t true.  I jack off all the fucking time and haven’t seen a single dead kitten as a result.  Hell, I’ve even jacked off ON to some fucking kittens just to test the theory – but aside from them getting wet and a little sticky nothing much else happened.

Now a better fucking question might have been to ask what happens when a shriveled up old pussy like you tries to get off.  Trust me, the answer isn’t fucking pretty.  When some shithole like you does it it’s called disasterbating a) because you’re such a fucking disaster and b) because anytime someone like you does it god kills like 10,000 people or shit.

So clearly, given the recent fucking monsoon and fucking earthquake and the fucking looming food crisis and shit you and your fucking See You Next Tuesday friends must be in high gear when it comes to rubbing your fucking muffs.  Thanks a lot you old schnozzle – thanks to you there are thousands dead across Asia – nice job asshole.

Old fucking wizen douche bags that kill thousands of strangers every time they masturbate are fucking assholes.