Dear A-Hole – Did You Vote Did You Vote Did You Vote

Q – Hello N.A. – hope I am catching you at a good time. I was curious if you were going to vote today. I’m guessing the answer is “no” but thought I’d check just in case. Stevie

A – Actually, I did fucking vote today – and I’ll get to that in a second. First let me tell you a fucking story. I was in bed right, at like 10:00 this morning or something, and some douche bag calls and wakes me up. I can barely understand what she’s saying cause the music is so loud and shit. It should like she’s telling me it’s erection day though. I’m like “what the fuck” and tell her no thanks, every day is erection day for me and hang up. Then I realized she was saying election day. Good thing I’m an asshole or I might have felt bad about it or something.

Of course as soon as I went out people were all talking about the election and fucking shit. I was honestly not going to vote but here in Massachusetts we have this thing – Proposittion 2 that’s all about making it cool to smoke weed so of course I was all fucking for it.  So I smoked a bone and wandered down to this fucking school near where I’m staying at the moment (which happens to be my fucking parents house again).

When I got there there was a fucking line.  It pissed me off but I was feeling no fucking pain.  I just chilled and checked out the fucking MILFs waiting around me.  There was lots of bangable chicks so I tried to coax one of them into a fucking BJ or something – no fucking dice though.

Well I was waiting to vote I called that prick Chris the Asshole to see what all the voting was about.  He gave me the low down and helped me decide who the fuck to vote for and shit.  In the end, I did vote – AND managed to get laid (in the back of this chick’s minivan – after I shared some weed).

I voted for that Obama guy.  He seems like more of a dude than the old guy.

Remember to vote and shit.  You might be able to vote for weed like me.

Dear A-Hole: I hate the summer

Q – I have to say that I hate the summer.  There are totally no holidays from July 4th to Labor Day.  That’s just week.  Don’t you think every month should have a holiday?  Super Sharpie

A – Look jackass, every fucking day in the summer is a goddamn holiday, what the fuck are you talking about?  Sure, some fucks still have to go to work and shit – but even for them there are good fucking reasons to be happy – unlike you you dumb sad fuck.

First of all, in the fucking summer, chicks forget to dress like fucking matrons and shit and pull out all the slutty stops.  Small shirts, short skirts, bare skin – holy crap you have to fucking love it.  Every damn day in summer should be called fucking skin day.

Second, it stays fucking light out and shit.   That way you have more time to do shit without have to use any fucking lights or anything.  You can sit out side and drink until all fucking night since not only is it fucking light but it’s also fucking warm.  Don’t be a fucking pussy.

Third, it’s OK to get totally wasted in the summer.  I don’t know why, but it just seems like people don’t mind when you get totally shit faced in the summer.  I mean if you show up someplace in the winter totally fucked up you’re gonna get the hairy eyeball.  Not so in the fucking summer – people just seem to smile and wave you right in – even if you puke.

Fourth, sex is way easier.  Combine my first three points – hot chicks, out all night and plenty of booze – and you get the final reason summer rocks.  Easy access to pussy.  I would give up every fucking holiday in the world for easy access to fucking pussy – wouldn’t you?  I mean fuck . . . hot chicks in skimpy outfits.  Sweating.  Getting drunk.  Sitting on picnic tables at like midnight.  Goin’ down on you?

Fuck man, summer fucking ROCKS!  Anyone who hates the summer is a stupid fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – What’s the shit?

Q – Dear A-hole – I like Coke, my BFF like Pepsi.  Which is better?  Lacy Ann R.

A – If your BFF is a chick, I think you need to settle the question by wrestling.  And taking lots of pictures of the two of you on the floor rolling around and shit.  Of course you should end the fight with some awesome make-up sex.  That’s what friends are for right?  No, seriously, I think it would be more than awesome for you and some other chick to get naked and nasty to defend the honor of your favorite sodas.  I’d even fucking ref (and by ref I mean let the two of you do me).

Fucking soda is pretty important shit and a person’s choice says a lot about them.  Soda is also something that people don’t swap like parters at a fucking key party either.  This shit is something that once you start you’re not going to fucking switch mid-fucking-gulp.

Myself, I drink fucking Coke.  If I’m someplace and ask for a Coke and am given a Pepsi instead I get fucking pissed off.  If I’d wanted a fucking Pepsi I would have fucking asked for one.  So in my book, Coke is the shit.  As is hot girl-on-girl action which you are totally free to help out with Lacy.  I’d even give you a Coke.

People who don’t respect other people’s soda preferences are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I <3 Matthew McConaughey

Q – Mister Hole, I know you live in Boston and I do too (maybe we should get together some time ;-O) and I saw on the news that MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is here doing a movie. I wish we was doing me! What celebrity would you most like to have sex with. Nina

A – Is this like the first fucking time you’ve ever read this fucking blog? I assume not since you seem to know that I live in Boston. But if you had half a fucking brain you would know that I FUCKING HATE CELEBRITIES!

But before I go fucking nuts on your sorry fucking ass for that idiotic infraction, let me address some of the more annoying aspects of your fucking email.

1) I fucking hate those fucking triangle 3 things to make fucking hearts.  H.A.T.E. them – and you used one.  Asshole.

2) If you were the last fucking woman on earth and I was the only fucking man and if the only fucking thing that would save both our lives was fucking hanging out with you I would choose to fucking die.  You may be hot, “nice” and all that other fucking shit but the fact that you think about celebrities makes my fucking dick shrivel.

3) The fact that you imagine fucking celebrities makes me want to fucking puke.  Do you also imagine them taking dumps, or puking, or seeing their fucking doctor about hemorrhoids?  I’ll bet you fucking do.

So which celebrity would I like to fuck?  A dead one, yeah, let me at some dead celeb’s fucking cadaver and I’ll go to fucking town.  Not that I would ever fuck a dead person (that’s just fucked up) but I like dead celebrities more than live ones.  Not that I think the stars and shitheads of the past were somehow fucking better than they are today but just because they’re dead.

Hey Nina, you’re a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – Open Box Special

Q – Dear N.A. – Just curious, do you have a job and if so, what do you do?  Nancy

A – Of course I have a fucking job.  What do you think, fucking weed and shit buys itself?  I’m the CEO of a giant fucking corporation and I make millions of fucking dollars every year.  I’m so rich and fucking swanky that 20 year old girls fight with each other to fucking blow me.

OK, so maybe that’s not exactly what I fucking do.  Yeah, I have a job at a fucking store and shit.  I’m not going to say which fucking one because I don’t want a bunch of fucking freaks showing up to give me shit and shit.  I’m thinking about getting a new job though – in some big electronics store.  I think I could get massive fucking discounts on games and shit if I did that crap.

I’m also thinking about getting my hands on some of the hot open box specials you always see in those fucking places.  And by open box specials I mean hot fucking chicks willing to put out.  That would be fucking awesome.  So listen, if you know anyone who works in one of those places and is looking for a total asshole who just wants to get wasted and laid all the time, tell them I’m their fucking man.

People who won’t hire me are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Gotta hand it to you

Q – Dear Hole – I really liked your gift idea earlier today, the Pleasure Chair sounds awesome and I hope my own lamebrain boyfriend will get me one.  The problem is that we don’t have very much money.  So let me ask you, what can I give him that he’ll like but won’t cost too much?  Lydia

A – Lydia, I got two fucking words for you – Astro Glide.  This shit opens more doors than a fucking skeleton key.  And the fucking possibilities run the fucking gambit of fun.  Squirt a little on the old balloon knot and you’re ready for a rectal rampage; a couple of drops on a dry pussy makes things go just a little fucking smoother; between the tits and you can have a melon ball (with cream); on the soles of your feet and you can have a semen stomp and perhaps the nicest application: a little lube on the palms for a handjob.

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a fucking handjob, that’s for fucking sure; and since you can get Astro Glide for under eight bucks it’s a cheap way to give great gifts all fucking year long.  And listen, let me know if you decide you want to practice a bit before you give your boyfriend his gift, I am totally willing to fucking help.

Anyone who doesn’t think that a handjob is a good gift is an asshole.