Wanna take a shit

You know what fucking sucks?  Needing to take a fucking crap and there not being a single fucking bathroom in sight.  That’s what’s happening to me this very fucking second.  I can feel the shit building up but there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it.  Sure I’ve crapped my pants from time-to-time but I’m talking to this fucking chick who has no fucking idea what I’m writing or even that I need to shit.  She’s so fucking hot.  This fucking sucks.

Dear A-Hole – I feel good

Q – Gotta a good one today.  What’s the best feeling in the world.  Lucky

A – Fuck man there are so many of them.  Getting a hummer, taking a piss, that 14th beer, a solid fucking bong hit, fuck, I could go for some kind of good fucking feeling right now – but today one stands out above all the rest.  It’s a little fucking something that I like to call – scientifically speaking – post-defecation elation.  You know what I’m fucking talking about.  You take a huge fucking dump and you feel 20 pounds fucking lighter.  I got off the fucking can earlier today with a forearm-sized shitsnake coiled in the bowl and a huge fucking grin on my face.

Thankfully I dropped this one in a public bathroom cause there was no fucking way it was going anywhere if you know what I mean.   I gave it a flush but it just fucking sat there.  I walked the fuck out with a happy little tune in my heart.  I love taking a good shit.

People who don’t sing the praises of their turds are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Me me me me me me me me me

Q – Asshole – I was trying to get on the subway the other day and there was a family with two kids in a STROLLER taking up a ton of room.  It was RUSH HOUR mind you and I – and my fellow passengers – thought it was very very rude.  Cicily

A – That’s really fucking annoying.  But then so are you.  First let’s look at the fucking situation – any time some fucking piece of shit consumes more than their fair fucking share it fucking sucks shit.  Especially if what they are taking is my slice of the fucking pie.  I’d even go further than bitching about fucking babies and their fucking crap (all of which I hate like fucking cancer or something); let me add a few more fucking things that suck on trains:

• People in fucking wheelchairs – they take up a shit load of fucking space.  People in electric wheelchairs suck even more since they think they own the fucking road with their little Lark and Rascal Douche Bag movers
• People with fucking walkers – god they fucking suck – bumping into you and shit – and they’re so fucking slow – and half the time they’re fucking drooling and shit and tottering around like they’re going to croak at any fucking second
• Smug douche bags with their little fucking folding bikes – why the fuck are these cockholes even on the fucking train; ride you bike asshole
• Blind people – with their fucking sticks banking into people fucking legs and shit – two words: fuck you  (I mean shit, if I got onto a train and hit someone with a stick I’d be in deep shit – they get fucking misplaced fucking sympathy)
• Fucking totally fat people – they just take up way too fucking much space.  When the fucking drop their extra ample asses on the little benches it’s like a trash bag filled with fucking pudding spreading to fill all the available space.
• People with fucking luggage and shit – if you have the money to travel get a fucking taxi, OK?  None of us are impressed with you crap filling the fucking car.
• People who shit or piss themselves or smell be in general – I fucking hate having to smell someone else’s fucking stick.  Take a fucking shower AND a piss AND a fucking shit BEFORE you take the fucking train.
• Ugly fucking people – one of the best fucking things about public transportation is the fucking eye candy – especially in the fucking summer when it’s all hot out and shit and girls dress like they want to fuck right now.  That fucking vibe can be spoiled in a fucking second if you have to look on some ugly chick.  Gross.

If we could get these fuckwads off the trains life would fucking rock.  That’s not going to fucking happen though because these people are asshole and there are like 1,000,000 assholes for every non-asshole.  It fucking sucks.

Dear A-Hole – You dirty bastard

Q – Hey A-dude – like the other day i was at a Starbucks and this guy was just like sitting at his table clipping his TOE NAILS.  So I don’t think that’s ok, do you?  Reba

A – Reba, you’re trying too fucking hard baby – “A-dude?” – that’s something only an asshole would call me, OK?  Just take a breath, relax and get ready for me to lay down some fucking wisdom on you.

That fucking guy at Starbucks was fucking foul.  I see people doing shit like that all the fucking time.  These assholes ought to be forced to eat whatever shit they pick, clip, scrape, etc of their crusty fucking bodies.  Just the other fucking day this guy was waiting for the train.  It was totally hot and sticky and shit.  He pulls out like a fucking wet wipe and begins wiping his face and shit.  Now I wouldn’t do it but that’s just fucking me.  Next he reaches over his fucking shoulder and begins wiping his sweaty-assed back.  Gross.  Next this fucking douche bag begins wiping his fucking face again – smearing greasy back sweat all over his fucking face.  Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with people?  It’s just fucking sick man.

Fucking gross assed fuck tards fucking suck shit . . . AND they’re fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole: Say Hay Rays!

Q – Dude, your crappy Red Sox just got swept by the even crappier Rays.  You Suck.  YankeeeeeeeeeeeesRULE

A – Fuck man, I know, I go and spend a shitload of fucking money on a team and then they fucking choke like it’s their first day working the glory hole or something.  I’m gonna bench every fucking one of them and call in a bunch of minor league guys to teach the fucking coddled pros a lesson!

Dude, seriously, what the fuck?  So the Sox have lost a few games – no biggie.  They’re still ahead of Wanks (who are still choking like it’s day 100 at the glory hole and all the customers have been fucking horses or something).  And listen, I’ve heard that there’s a really disgusting reason that Tampa is doing so fucking well: they eat shit.

Not just any shit though, that would be gross.  They eat shit from that fucking fish tank out in the outfield.  Apparently, it gets collected, dried and then sprinkled on there food on game day.  And since they became shit eaters things have been going the Ray’s way.  I think the fucking MLB needs to look into this fucking situation and add fish shit to the list of banned substances and PEDs ’cause this just isn’t right.

It would be one thing if these fucking guys were creeping up the standings a little, or showed year-over-year improvement; but they didn’t man, they just started eating that fish shit and went straight to the fucking top.

Teams that cheat by eating fish shit are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Lick Me

Q – Hi I’m new here and have seen your infinite words of wisdom all over blogland and have come to you with a question that I feel no one else is qualified to answer. So, without further ado here is my probing question.
Why is it that my dog insists on drinking from the toilet and then licking company on the face?

With deepest regards,
CowGalUtah

A – Shit, that’s an easy fucking question – give me something harder next time.  First of all, your dog is an asshole and is doing that on purpose.  It’s also possible that your guests are assholes and the dog is licking them because they fucking taste like shit.  Do you ever notice a smell of crap when your fucking friends are around?  If so, that’s the fucking problem.  If they don’t smell like fucking shit it’s because your dog is in fact an asshole.