Dear A-Hole – Magic is for Asshats

Q – Hi Hole – I was watching magic on YouTube today and found myself asking, hey, what does N.A. Hole have to say about magic?  So here I am writing to ask you: what do you think about magic.  Nancy Drew

A – Well “Nancy” if that is your real fucking name (which I fucking doubt), I think magic is for sap, stooges and suckers; and anyone with half a fucking brain could figure that out in a fucking second.  I mean shit, I looked around on YouTube to find the stupidest trick I could find to make my fucking point.  Check out this cock hole:

Does he think everyone is as mentally deficient as he is?  Hello asshole – we all fucking  understand how fucking pause works.  He might want to do a little re-fucking-flection before he tries his next trick – unless it’s making himself vanish.

I guess the one fucking upside to magic and shit online is that you don’t have to fucking watch it or anything.  Not like when some assclown send a fucking magicgram to you for your birthday or you get dragged to a fucking magic show or something.  I’ll be honest, I have never had either thing happen to me – first because I hate magic, second because magic is dumb and third because only fucking assholes are into this shit.

I hope I answered your question “Nancy,” the bottom line is that anyone who likes fucking magic is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole: Pull the fucking plug – Stat!

Q – Dear Hole.  Tomorrow is thursday.  Do you know what I love about that day of the week?  It is that ma favorite show is on TV on Thursday.  What is my favorite show?  It is ER.  I love that show.  What do you think about my favorite show, ER?  Brenda

A – Earth to Brenda – You’re a fucking douche bag.  First of fucking all, where the fuck did you learn to write?  Your writing sucks ass wicked bad.  I would recommend breaking all your fucking pens and throwing away your keyboard.  That’s the only think that’s going to protect us from your fucking stupid writing.

Now on to ER.  I think I have made it fucking clear that I hate TV.  Therefor it makes sense that I would hate ER (it being on TV and all).  But that would only be half the fucking story.  No, I hate ER so much that I can’t even find fucking words to describe it.  When I see commercials for E-fucking-R I need to get the fuck out of the room or I might a) destroy the TV or b) blind/kill myself.

Didn’t this show start out in black and white?  What the fuck is it doing still on the fucking TV.  This show is like a fucking backed up toilet that dipshits keep on crapping in – a total logjam of celebuturds festering the fuck away in craptown.  Can someone PLEASE lob some liquid fucking plumber on these poor bastards and move them the fuck out of here?

I mean seriously, this fucking show is deader than Heath Ledger – and while they’re still trying to figure out what the fuck happened to him, figuring out what happened to ER is a fucking snap.  The fucking show sucks ass.  Look, grab a bunch of dogs and get some friends together.  Next, grab the fucking dogs by the fucking tails,  Then suck their asses.

Now you’re probably saying, “Holy shit that’s a fucking terrible idea,” and you’d be fucking right.  But somehow, the cock stains that make ER haven’t caught on to the fact that sucking dog ass is gross.  And the fucking longer people watch the fucking show the harder it’s going to be for them to fucking learn.

We have to demand and end to shit like this – over extensions, remakes, spinoffs, etc. – can’t anyone come up with any fresh fucking ideas?  Jesus how hard can it be?

Anyone who is in ER, makes ER, watches ER, knows someone who watches ER, has heard of ER or seen a fucking preview for it is an asshole.  Especially you Brenda.

Dear A-Hole: Perfect, isn’t it?.

Q – Asshole, I have just had the best day ever.  I got up early, took care of my laundry and paid some bills, had a really delicious breakfast (soy-oat flax cereal and fruit) and then went out to a  craft fair with my parents.  What’s your perfect day?  Simone

A – No offense Simone, but your day sounds like it fucking sucked.  If I had to do ANY of those things I’d probably try to drown myself in fucking stagnant piss. Get up early – nope.  Laundry – fuck that.  Breakfast – I don’t think so.  Fuck soy-oat jizz – no fucking way.  Craft fare – that shit isn’t going to fucking happen.

Let me tell you about my perfect fucking day.  I get the fuck up when I get up.  It might be early, it might be late, I don’t really give a shit – it’s just when I get up.  Now before I even get out of bed, I take a moment to jack off.  I think it’s pretty fucking critical to do this every morning – for your health.

I’m not real big on breakfast, I’ll be fucking honest with you.  Of course when you wake and bake you may find yourself feeling a little fucking peckish.    Cookies, candy or chips do the job for me and I guess you could call it breakfast.

So really, none of the shit you think is cool is really that fucking cool.  There are three elements to a great day: a smoke, a toke and a stroke.  If I can get those three things into a day I’ll be fucking happy.  Now there are other things that matter too: fucking beer for example, taking a dump, a fucking blowjob – you know.

The only reason I didn’t put the on the first list was that they didn’t have “oke” at the end but besides that they’re fucking awesome.  So you can take your fucking craft fare and oat flax and parents and shove them all your fucking ass.

I don’t know much about you Simone but I’m willing to say that you and people like you are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I-a-won!

Q – N.A. – I am worried that I’m going to lose my job.  Why?  Because I didn’t go to work today?  Why?  Because I can’t pull myself away from the scintillating pre-Iowa caucus on CNN.  Pretty gripping, don’t you think?  Floam

A – Listen Floam, I got something for you to fucking grip hanging right between my fucking legs (unless you’re a fucking guy).  I hope you’re being fucking sarcastic because if this is fucking exciting to you your fucking life must really fucking suck.  I don’t even know what day this fucking thing is happening, how it fucking works or why it even fucking matters.

News Flash – the fucking election isn’t for another 11 fucking months.  Who gives a stumbling monkey-fuck which one of these shitbirds wins in fucking Iowa.  (No offense to any fucking Iowans by the way, just in case I decide to run for fucking office there or something.  You guys apparently have some pretty fucking tall corn and shit, right?)

I’d get more fucking excited watching a fucking show on fucking penguins or something than these dry humps mouthing off all the fucking time.  I flicked over to CNN just to see what the fuck is worth losing your fucking job over and I saw one dusty looking fuck droning on and fucking on, followed by a fucking woman with a fucking grin on her face that made her look like I was going down on her.  WTF?

People who get caught up on this shit are assholes.