Dear A-Hole – You’re Skrewed Dude

Q – I don’t know who or what you are but I hold you responsible for what happen to me.  I finded a picture of me at my work.  The picture was of me sleeping with some man’s scrotum on my cheek and my wife licking it.  I confront her and she show me you story about “tea-bagginig.”  You and her think this is funny?  I am going to divorce!  You and her are bad and sick people!  Clyde

A – Wow, you must REALLY fucking suck to have someone do that shit to you.  I mean why else would you’re fucking wife do that?  If you were a cool guy and shit she prolly wouldn’t do it.  If you were nice or hung like a fucking stallion of had a tongue like Gene Simmons or something she prolly wouldn’t do it.  If you made a shit load of money and gave her nice shit and took her on exotic fucking vacations she prolly wouldn’t do it.  If you were the smartest motherfucker wherever you went or had written books or something or were on fucking TV she prolly wouldn’t have do it.

There’s like a million fucking reasons for her NOT to have some guy rub his nuts on your face and lick them while he did.  Therefore, you must be a fucking loser and an asshole.  Too fucking bad jackass.  Better fucking luck next time.  Oh, wait, there is no fucking next time.  You’re fucking screwed.

Dear A-Hole – Sweet Teabag

Q – Hi, I have a question A-hole.  I really want to tea bag my wife but aren’t sure how to broach the subject with her.  Any ideas?  Handsome Rob

A – I gotta hand it to you Rob, not many fucking guys have it in them to rub their sweaty scrot bag on their girl’s face.  Kudos to you for being such a forthright asshole by considering even asking her.  See, the way I fucking understand it is that tea-bagging is something best shared AFTER the fact rather than with permission.

Here’s what I’d fucking suggest.  Get some fucking sleeping pills or shit and make sure said wife is out like a fucking light.  Next, get your fucking hands on a camera, a tripod, etc.  Then, set it up in the room where she’s sleeping.  Finally, snap some fucking pics of you rubbing you wrinkled old nut sack all over the fucking place.

Don’t say anything the next day, just keep your mouth fucking closed.  When you get the pictures, have one of them made into a T-shirt with a cute caption like “I’m NUTS about you,” and give it to her for her birthday or some other fucking holiday or something.  Whatever you fucking do – be sure there are plenty of people around when she opens it.

You could also think about just fucking getting one for yourself and then picking her up at work in it.  I’ll bet her fucking co-workers will be fucking impressed by seeing your ball sack resting on her cheek or forehead, don’t you.

Anyway, an awesome fucking question Rob and good fucking luck.  Anyone who isn’t into tea-bagging is a fucking asshole.