Movie Review – Zack and Miri

So I don’t go to fucking movies that fucking much.  They cost too much fucking money and most of them suck shit.  But this chick I’ve been hoping to bone asked me if I wanted to see this Porno thing with her and I thought it was green lights all the way so I say “fuck yeah!”

As usual, I misjudged the fucking situation.  First of all, I got totally shitfaced on saturday afternoon.  I mean like way, way, way over the fucking line.  I didn’t puke but it might have been better if I had.  So anyway, we agreed to meet at the fucking food court at the mall (her idea, not mine).  I ate a bunch of free samples and shit off toothpicks while I was waiting for her to show up.  I had total bedspins but I was standing and that really sucked.

She shows up and looks fucking fantastic and shit.  Totally fucking hot.  I would have plowed her right there if I had the chance but she was all “let’s go” and shit so we went.  When we got to the movies I realized I had no money with me.  Kinda awkward but should have been a surprise to her.  We get in and I start reaching for her – totally awesome tits.  She kinda giggled which was a good sign.

The movie starts and I am thinking porn and am hoping for a nice mid-movie blowjob or something.  But guess what – there’s like NO FUCKING PORN.  For ages it’s a bunch of fucking whining and shit.  Then a bunch of stupid shit.  Then – finally – there is some fucking porno like shit – but it’s like two gay dudes talking – color me fucking limp.

Next they have some auditions for people to be in this porn movie they say they are making and there some tits – which is good.  Then there’s some fucking – but it’s like you can’t see anything.  Tits swinging is as good as it fucking gets.  No fucking spread beaver, no slurping blowjobs – nothing.

There was one fucking dick at the end of the movie – but guess what: if I want to see a dick I can look at my own whenever I fucking want.  To top it all fucking off – even though I tried to guide my dates head into my lap – I didn’t even get a blowjob.  And I puked in the theater (I fucking turned my head the other way so I don’t think she saw).

All in all, it fucking sucked.  If you want porn check online – it’s free and better than this fucking movie.

Dear A-Hole – Gotta hand it to you

Q – Dear Hole – I really liked your gift idea earlier today, the Pleasure Chair sounds awesome and I hope my own lamebrain boyfriend will get me one.  The problem is that we don’t have very much money.  So let me ask you, what can I give him that he’ll like but won’t cost too much?  Lydia

A – Lydia, I got two fucking words for you – Astro Glide.  This shit opens more doors than a fucking skeleton key.  And the fucking possibilities run the fucking gambit of fun.  Squirt a little on the old balloon knot and you’re ready for a rectal rampage; a couple of drops on a dry pussy makes things go just a little fucking smoother; between the tits and you can have a melon ball (with cream); on the soles of your feet and you can have a semen stomp and perhaps the nicest application: a little lube on the palms for a handjob.

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a fucking handjob, that’s for fucking sure; and since you can get Astro Glide for under eight bucks it’s a cheap way to give great gifts all fucking year long.  And listen, let me know if you decide you want to practice a bit before you give your boyfriend his gift, I am totally willing to fucking help.

Anyone who doesn’t think that a handjob is a good gift is an asshole.