Dear A-Hole – I feel good

Q – Gotta a good one today.  What’s the best feeling in the world.  Lucky

A – Fuck man there are so many of them.  Getting a hummer, taking a piss, that 14th beer, a solid fucking bong hit, fuck, I could go for some kind of good fucking feeling right now – but today one stands out above all the rest.  It’s a little fucking something that I like to call – scientifically speaking – post-defecation elation.  You know what I’m fucking talking about.  You take a huge fucking dump and you feel 20 pounds fucking lighter.  I got off the fucking can earlier today with a forearm-sized shitsnake coiled in the bowl and a huge fucking grin on my face.

Thankfully I dropped this one in a public bathroom cause there was no fucking way it was going anywhere if you know what I mean.   I gave it a flush but it just fucking sat there.  I walked the fuck out with a happy little tune in my heart.  I love taking a good shit.

People who don’t sing the praises of their turds are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – Missing: one toilet

Q – Hey – hoping you canhelp me understand a really frustrating situation.  Whenever I am out it seems like I suddenly need to take a crap.  But every bathroom is for customers and I can’t use them.  Help!  Emile

A – So let me ask something – are you a guy or a girl?  I mean is your name like a stupid French name or a stupid spelling for Emily?

Your fucking problem sucks.  But it can be solved.  Here are a few fucking ideas.  First, take a crap before you go out.  That way your fucking colon will be empty and you won’t need to shit while you’re out.  That assumes you have access to a toilet before going out – which I guess might not be the case.  If not, find a secluded spot in the woods or something and take a dump there.

Second, just use the fucking bathroom.  Do you really give a shit if the sign says for customers only?  Hell, you might have been a customer in the past and you might be one in the future.  Just grab a seat and shed some brown pounds.  What are they going to fucking do?  Chase you out with a turd hanging out of you like a fucking tail?  I don’t think so.

Third, you could just shit your pants.  Who gives a fuck?  Just open up the sluice gates and let it flow.  Be sure to hang out in whatever store has every told you no  in the fucking past.  You stinking the fucking place up with a load of new-laid crap steaming in your pants will be a fucking hit.

Look, a persons got to do what they have to fucking do – and anyone that tries to stop them is a fucking asshole.

A toilet from space?

So I get this fucking picture sent to me from this chick I’m sweet on (bet you never thought you’d hear those fucking words coming out of my fucking mouth).

And I was just like, what the fuck is it?  At first I thought it was some kind of cool toilet but couldn’t figure out how to sit on the fucking thing.  Then I thought maybe it was one of those weird pussy washers from France or something.  See if you can fucking guess.  I am just dumb.

Dear A-Hole – Shitter

Q – Dear Ass.  I am glad you’re back online and all.  While you were gone I started using Twitter and wondered if you used it and if you did what your name is so I can follow you.  Silly

A – I didn’t fucking use Twitter (until now) but I have been known to use the shitter.  In fact, I fucking love taking dumps.  It’s pretty much one of the best fucking times of the day.  You get to drop trou, sit back. maybe have a smoke or two and just let it fucking rip.

If I had all the fucking money in the world I’d build myself a fucking awesome bathroom.  One with a giant toilet (so it would never fucking get clogged or shit), with a ergonomic seat perfectly tailored to my ass (by the fucking way – while I was off line I did see that fucking story about the chick who stayed on the crapper for two fucking years – that’s NOT cool), special velvety toilet paper (maybe made out of pony fur – right Romi?), and a bunch of other fucking shit I haven’t fucking thought of yet.

It would be a fucking temple of turd, a pagoda of poop, the Sistine Chapel of shit, a cathedral of coprophagia (not me asshole, the fucking toilet), the duomo of dumps.  I think you get my fucking drift – taking a crap in this fucking shitter would be a fucking religious experience.

There’d be a fucking stereo in there, fucking awesome fucking lights, maybe a fucking fog machine – a mini fridge too for beer.  Oh man, it will be so fucking awesome.  And guess the fuck what? No one else could ever fucking use the thing.  Not even to take a fucking leak or wash their goddamn hands.  Never.  Not even fucking once.  That’s how awesome this fucking bathroom will fucking be.

I think I might have to fucking jack off or something I’m that fucking excited.

Only fucking assholes don’t love shitting (maybe because they have to do all the fucking work?).  And by the way – I just signed up for Twitter.  My name is nahole.  I don’t really fucking get it so if someone does let me the fuck know.

Dear A-Hole – Lick Me

Q – Hi I’m new here and have seen your infinite words of wisdom all over blogland and have come to you with a question that I feel no one else is qualified to answer. So, without further ado here is my probing question.
Why is it that my dog insists on drinking from the toilet and then licking company on the face?

With deepest regards,
CowGalUtah

A – Shit, that’s an easy fucking question – give me something harder next time.  First of all, your dog is an asshole and is doing that on purpose.  It’s also possible that your guests are assholes and the dog is licking them because they fucking taste like shit.  Do you ever notice a smell of crap when your fucking friends are around?  If so, that’s the fucking problem.  If they don’t smell like fucking shit it’s because your dog is in fact an asshole.