Dear A-Hole – Time on my hands

Q: Man im blazed outttta my mind. been tokin since 7am. i just had my girl over to fuck me, i played the guitar a bit and lit shit on fire, but im not even at munchies yet! my question is what the fuck should i do for my remaining 3 hours?   -smokin joe A – Dude, you’re my hero of the fucking morning.  Goddamn – a wake and bake and then some lovin’ for your trouser snake?  What a fucking awesome way to start the day.  If I were you, I’d make a beeline to the shitter and take a good morning dump.  Nothing says life is good more than a fucking crap.  Then I would maybe take a three second shower and get your girl in there to blow you.  Then I’d get baked again.  Then take a fucking nap.  Then wake up and get baked again.  And get laid.  Then get some fucking food and beer.  And do a bong hit.  Go outside and stumble around like a drunk and stoned super fucking star.  Sit in the fucking sun.  Get another blowjob.  Go to a bar.  Get more beer.  Take a leak.  Head over to Store 24 or something and grab some snacks and shit.  Go to a friends house and get baked again.  Brag about what an awesome fucking day I was having.  Maybe play some games and shit.  Call a different chick and head out to her place to fuck her.  Get stoned with her and get laid on the couch.  Have a beer.  Take her out for something to eat and shit.  Stick my hand down the front of her pants on the fucking train.  Go to some fucking nice store and act like an asshole for a while.  Try to convince the girl to suck me off in a changing room.  Go to the liquor store and grab some fucking booze.  Drink it out of a bag.  Sit on the steps of the library and watch people for a while.  Throw up a little.  Stagger into the fucking library to take a leak.  Share a joint in an alley with strangers.  Take a fucking nap on a bench.  Go home.  Crash on the couch.  Wake the fuck up and start it all over again. You’re one lucky fucking bastard Joe.  And anyone that doesn’t think so is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole – You dirty bastard

Q – Hey A-dude – like the other day i was at a Starbucks and this guy was just like sitting at his table clipping his TOE NAILS.  So I don’t think that’s ok, do you?  Reba

A – Reba, you’re trying too fucking hard baby – “A-dude?” – that’s something only an asshole would call me, OK?  Just take a breath, relax and get ready for me to lay down some fucking wisdom on you.

That fucking guy at Starbucks was fucking foul.  I see people doing shit like that all the fucking time.  These assholes ought to be forced to eat whatever shit they pick, clip, scrape, etc of their crusty fucking bodies.  Just the other fucking day this guy was waiting for the train.  It was totally hot and sticky and shit.  He pulls out like a fucking wet wipe and begins wiping his face and shit.  Now I wouldn’t do it but that’s just fucking me.  Next he reaches over his fucking shoulder and begins wiping his sweaty-assed back.  Gross.  Next this fucking douche bag begins wiping his fucking face again – smearing greasy back sweat all over his fucking face.  Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with people?  It’s just fucking sick man.

Fucking gross assed fuck tards fucking suck shit . . . AND they’re fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I fucking love the sound of your voice

Q – Mister Hole – I am on the train from New York to Washington.  There is a loud cell phone talker somewhere near me and it is killing me.  You seem to have things pretty figured out when it comes to annoying people on trains.  Advice?  Mary

A – I would simply walk up to the person and ask them to stop speaking so loudly.  This is a common problem and one that can easily be dealt with using a firm but polite request.

Ha Ha Ha.  Who the fuck and I kidding.  Here’s what I’d do – I would get out of my seat and hunt this asshole down.  It the asshole is a chick, I’d say something like, “Hey, you fucking cunt, do you mind shutting that fucking cock hole below your fucking nose before I shove it up your goddamn ass?”  If the fucking asshole is a dude, I recommend, “Hey you fucking douche bag, I fucking hate you you fucking cock head.  You fucking pimping your fucking mother or something you fucking piece of shit?  Why don’t you pipe the fuck down before I jam that phone into your fuck scrot bag so fucking hard your balls pop out your fucking nose?”

Now don’t be fooled.  Even though these might sound like fucking questions they’re not; they’re really carefully crafted commands.  Making them sound like questions fools the fucking asshole into thinking they have a fucking choice, while the threats help them make the right fucking choice.  One thing: if they ignore you you need to be fucking ready to go totally crazy on them and do what you said.

Loud shitheads are fucking assholes.