So I was busting out some fucking jokes the other day when this dude told me he had a good one for me. Usually when someone says this the next thing sucks more than their mother. That didn’t happen this fucking time. Here’s what he told me:
Q – What’s the fucking difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
A – Acne doesn’t usually come on your face till you’re 13
That’s fucking hilarious.
Q – this is kind of embarrasing to ask but i need some advice. the other day i was at work and was on im with this chick and she was getting all dirty on the web cam for me and i ended up kind of toching my dick through my pants and ended up cumming. i tried to be mellow but someone saw. help.
A – You fucking douche bag. You fucking jack off at work? There’s nothing wrong with that but that’s what fucking stalls are for you idiot. I would have just excused my self and gone and taken care of fucking business and no one would have been the wiser. What to fucking do? Well that depends. If it was a dude that busted you you should have just said, “yeah man, my fucking cock needs a workout every few hours, you know what I mean?” and left it at that. It it was a chick you should have fucking asked her to suck the jizz out for you. Chicks dig the taste of cum and it would have probably been a nice fucking break for her, you know?
Another fucking thing you might want to consider is whether you need a fucking job at all. I can sit around and jack off all day and not give a shit about what happens or who sees it because I’m just that fucking kind of a guy.
People who have trouble with cum stains on other people’s pants are assholes.
I’m fucking bored and shit so here are three jokes:
Q – How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A – Two – one to change the bulb and one to suck my cock.
——–
Q – What’s the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A – A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull out your meat.
——–
Q – What’s the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A – A washing machine doesn’t want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.
If you have any really awesome jokes like these send ‘em my fucking way so I can be even more fucking popular with the ladies. People who don’t like awesome jokes are assholes.
You know what fucking sucks? Needing to take a fucking crap and there not being a single fucking bathroom in sight. That’s what’s happening to me this very fucking second. I can feel the shit building up but there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it. Sure I’ve crapped my pants from time-to-time but I’m talking to this fucking chick who has no fucking idea what I’m writing or even that I need to shit. She’s so fucking hot. This fucking sucks.
Q – Hey Hole. You seen that Hardee’s commercial yet? It’s got you written all over it. Frito
A – Nice job not giving me much to go on douche bag. Thankfully I’m fucking smarter than you are and I found what you were fucking talking about. Here’s what the stupid pecker meant:
I gotta admit, it’s a pretty fucking funny commmercial. The only thing that fucking sucks about it is that the douche bags all prefer the b-hole to the a-hole; and since I’m a fucking asshole that kind of fucking hurts. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a fucking b-hole.
Anyhow, a tip of the asshat to the guys at Hardee’s for having a fucking sense of humor.
Q – Hasta La Vista NA? So can’t help notice that there have been some tragic celeb deaths in recent days. Given your feeling on celebrities, how does this all make you feel? Cornhuskie
A – From some fucking song I think I heard in a douche bag commercial or something, “I’m walking on fucking sunshine.” All of these dead and dying celebrities make more room for the deserving non-celebrities. More fucking air for the rest us is what I fucking say!
Let’s look at last weeks rollcall in a bit more fucking detail, shall we?
Farah: Look, I’ll be honest, I probably beat my fucking meat to her poster more than a few fucking times. I missed Charlie’s Angels when she was on it because I’m not fucking old. But still, I think she would have looked hot sporting some of my man-chowder across her face. Sorry she died and shit.
Michael Jackson: Grade-A freakazoidal douchbag. WFT? The fucking guy tries to change fucking races, bang fucking kids, keeps a fucking pet monkey and shit, acts like the freak to end all freaks and then pulls a Hank fucking Williams Sr. It’s been fucking years (at fucking least) since I heard one of his shitty songs. Even this past week with him being dead and all I managed not to hear even one little fucking bit. Yay for me.
Billy Mays: You all know my fucking lifestyle – I stay up all night getting baked, jacking off, etc. I also consume shitty TV the way some people drink water. And there’s nothing surer about shitty TV than that you’re going to see Billy fucking Mays trying to sell you some shit. I remember once I was fucking MESSED UP on shrooms or acid or something and suddenly felt this fucking connection with Billy. I’m not trying to sound gay or anything but I fucking loved the guy. There was just something about the way he was talking that fucking night that made a lot of fucking sense. I can’t even remember what the fucking he was talking about but fuck – it really meant a lot to me at least.
Thankfully, none of these deaths was a personal tragidy for me. I know that for some people life fucking has lost it’s fucking meaning since these bags bit it – not me baby. I’m all about having a good fucking time and not giving two goat fucks about celebrities – living or fucking dead.
People who give a shit about this shit are fucking assholes.
Q Hola Asshole – just came up with a genius idea I wanted to share with you cause it works. The other day I knew I was gonna get wasted and that I wasn’t gonna wanna work the next day. I didn’t wanna waste vacation so here’s what I did. I ate a load of beans and cabbage and stuff and waited. As soon as I could feel the effects I started hanging close to my boss and acting woozy. Pretty soon the effects kicked in and I was stinking the place up. He tried to ignore it but between my moaning and the stink there was no way. I told him my roommate had some kind of bug – nasty – and he sent me home and told me to lay low till things passed. That was a couple a days ago. You should try it it works great. Tootin Tony
A – From your fucking ass to gods fucking ear (or fucking nose in this case). That’s fucking awesome. If I had a fucking job I would do it. But guess what loser – I don’t fucking work. That shit would fucking interfere with me getting baked, getting drunk and getting laid.
It’s actually kind of fucking sad that you even need to stoop to shit like that to have fucking fun. But I’ll pretend I fucking understand how the fucking world works and shit. You’re just fucking lucky you boss doesn’t like sniffing farts or you might had had to do a fucking command performance or something.
People who like sniffing farts are assholes.
Q – Hello N.A., this is REALLY embarassing. I was at work yesterday and was picking my nose. I got something that looked pretty good so I ate it. The problem is a buddy saw me do it and told everyone. Gene
A – Well Gene you’re officially a gross fucking douche bag. What the fuck comes out of your nose that “looks pretty good?” A steak, some marshmallows, a fucking chicken wing? Help me out here buddy because the only fucking shit that ever comes out of my nose is blood or snot and nether of those look “pretty good” to me. And certainly not good enough to fucking eat.
Even though you’re a gross fucking fuck, I’m still going to fucking give you a hand. So now at work everyone hates you and gives you shit. This is natural and you should expect it. The solutions are limited – you could a) kill yourself – but this seems a little draconian, b) get a new job or c) kill everyone who knows.
A and C are a little fucking extreme so don’t do those. I put them in for comic fucking relief. Getting a new job is the only fucking answer. Not just a new job though buddy, you’re going to need a new fucking identity in a city far away from whatever snot-munching shit-hole you currently call home. Who the fuck knows, maybe there’s some tribe of snot-eaters somewhere who would welcome you with open arms and shit. Good luck.
People who eat their snot are assholes.
My motherfuckingblog is worth so much fucking money it gives me a fucking boner.
How much is your blog worth?
