Dear A-Hole - I am really fucking dumb

Q - Dear Good Friend.  I am Mrs joy William from Solomon Islands. I am married to Mr. Lobi William who worked with our Embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $8.5 Million with a Bank in Cote D lvoire. Presently this money is still in the custody of the Bank in Cote D lvoire.Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church,organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.I want a church,organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows and other peoples that needs help and also propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that”Blessed is the hand that giveth”.l took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband elatives are not Christians not even good at all because they are the one that responsible for the death of my husband in other to have all my late husband prperties and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by those that conspired for his death. This is why I am taking this decision, I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord.Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”. I don’t need any telephone communication this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development and l know that With God all things are possible.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in Cote d’ lvoire. I will also issue a letter of authorization to the bank that will prove you the present beneficiary of this money. I also want you, church or the organization to always pray for me because the lord is my onlyshephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the this email address (ifuckingsuckshit@iamafuckingdouchebag.com)and any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another good person, church,organization for this same purpose.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your response immedaitely.
Thanks and Remain blessed in the Lord.
l remain yours sister in Christ.
Mrs. joy William

A: What a fucking Fuckwit.  Is there any fucking chance that the douche scrubbers that send this crap out get a positive response from ANYONE?  I mean come the fuck on?  And holy shit, “good person, church, organization?”  Earth to ass breath, I am AN ASSHOLE.  It says it everywhere I lay my stinky fucking mitts.  Trust me, if you useless dried out cunt really knew me then you’d know I am the LAST person you’d want to give any fictional fucking money to.  You also probably don’t want to try to get into my bank account since I fucking live on different floors and frigging couches every goddamn night.

People who are as fucking dumb as Joy are assholes.

Dear A-Hole - I fucking love the sound of your voice

Q - Mister Hole - I am on the train from New York to Washington.  There is a loud cell phone talker somewhere near me and it is killing me.  You seem to have things pretty figured out when it comes to annoying people on trains.  Advice?  Mary

A - I would simply walk up to the person and ask them to stop speaking so loudly.  This is a common problem and one that can easily be dealt with using a firm but polite request.

Ha Ha Ha.  Who the fuck and I kidding.  Here’s what I’d do - I would get out of my seat and hunt this asshole down.  It the asshole is a chick, I’d say something like, “Hey, you fucking cunt, do you mind shutting that fucking cock hole below your fucking nose before I shove it up your goddamn ass?”  If the fucking asshole is a dude, I recommend, “Hey you fucking douche bag, I fucking hate you you fucking cock head.  You fucking pimping your fucking mother or something you fucking piece of shit?  Why don’t you pipe the fuck down before I jam that phone into your fuck scrot bag so fucking hard your balls pop out your fucking nose?”

Now don’t be fooled.  Even though these might sound like fucking questions they’re not; they’re really carefully crafted commands.  Making them sound like questions fools the fucking asshole into thinking they have a fucking choice, while the threats help them make the right fucking choice.  One thing: if they ignore you you need to be fucking ready to go totally crazy on them and do what you said.

Loud shitheads are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole - Music to my ears

Q - Another commuter question for you N.A. - I was on the train today and this little kid started screaming their head off.  What really sucked was that we were stopped in a tunnel so there was no escape.  What really, really, really sucked was that there was this guy totally laughing his head off about the whole situation.  Here’s my question: who was the biggest asshole - the parents, the kid or the laughing guy?  Monty

A - Dude, you left someone off the fucking list: you!  What the fuck?  I mean I hate screaming kids as much as the next guy (it’s one of the reasons I prefer fucking chick’s mouths - less chance of repro-fucking-duction) but come on, I think the laughing guy probably had the right fucking idea.  What do you think he was laughing about?  I’ll tell you what man, if it was me, I’d be laughing at all the uptight douche nozzles getting all worked up and steamed in the suits and shit.

I love watching as some aspiring asshole tries to read the paper or something while something really distracting and annoying is happening right next to him or her.  Loud talkers, crying kids, a kid with a fucking radio, a homeless guy, a street performer, etc.  You can just fucking feel their blood pressure rising as they  snap their paper, rub their eyes, tap their foot.  I think you know what I’m talking about.  But rather than say anything, these sphincter sniffers just sit there and boil.

But if they do grow a pair and say something it’s usually so fucking over the top that they look like total psycho assholes - screaming and spraying spit everywhere.  I fucking love it.  So back to the question - dude, the fact that you let this shit get to you makes you the asshole in this situation.  Listen, sometimes everyone has a shitty day - but kids can get away with making a fucking racket about it.  The best fucking thing to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the fucking show.

People who can’t deal with life are fucking assholes.

Kinda fucking awesome

So I have been getting way fucked up the past few fucking days (like what else is new?) and as a result didn’t fucking write anything or answer questions or do jack fucking shit with the wonderful world of online shit and stuff.

The other fucking night though, I was out at a bar getting fucking faced.  I was with this dude Alonzo.  We started talking to this chick and her fucking boyfriend.  She was called Erica and he was called Eric.  How fucking stupid is that?  I mean shit - there are like billions of fucking people in the world - why the fuck would you date someone with the same name as you?  It must be even worse for fucking gay dudes and shit.  If I was gay (and I’m fucking not) I would never date a dude named N.A.

So anyway, we were talking to them and shit and Erica is one dirty fucking bird - laying down some lap dance action asking to have her ass slapped and shit.  Her boyfriend was totally cool with her fucking antics and shit which is his fucking prerogative I guess.  We hung with them until like 1:00 or something and then they decided to hit the road.  (I think she owned him a blowjob or something.)

Outside she was all fucking foxy and shit - dancing around all drunk and dirty.  She was like, “take my fucking picture, take my fucking picture,” and jumping and wiggling around and shit.  So I started taking her picture.  Here’s my favorite one (of the ones I can fucking share . . .).

Can you guess what this is?

Hope you are having as much fucking fun as me.  Even if you aren’t an asshole.  But let’s fucking face it - everyone is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole - Please block the door

Q - I know that you - like me - ride public transportation.  Why do people insist on standing in front of the door when the car is empty - making it hard for others to get in an out?  Sasha

A - Simple.  They are fucking assholes.  When I was still working and had to ride the subway I would see it every fucking day.  Some simpering jizz stain would be standing at the door, pretending to read the Metro while playing pocket pool.  Any time someone needed to get on or off these douche nozzles get all bent out of shape because people ask them to move.  What a bunch of fuck heads.

This shit isn’t fucking complicated (unless you are a total fucking moron, which, apparently these people are).  When you get onto a train - step into the train.  Don’t just stand at the fucking door.  And if you have to stand at the door (because you fucking suck shit) at least be willing to move for people who are smarter than you.

Obviously this assumes that the people doing it are just idiots.  The real problems are the assholes who’s dicks get hard by acting like idiots.  These are the same mouth breathing cum-tards that stand on the left fucking side of the escalator, push the top floor on an elevator and then stand with their nose on the door or walk against the flow on sidewalks and shopping centers.

I think there ought to be a special class of fucking cop created just to deal with these idiots.  If they get spotted pulling their asshole shit, a cop with a billy club gets to give them the old hardwood shampoo.  Video tape that fucking thing and show it to six year olds so they’ll learn how not to be fucking assholes when they grow up.

I hate assholes and anyone who makes me wait for anything is an asshole.

Dear A-Hole: A celebration of my cock

Q - Hey asshole, I saw your comment over on the Year of the Chick blog (which makes you seem a little light in your loafers buddy).  You seem pretty keen on your penis.  Cherri

A- Well Cherri, if you read that fucking blog you’d know it’s a place where lots of fucking people hang out to talk about all kinds of critical fucking shit.

It’s true that I’m pretty keen on my fucking cock - and why not?  My fucking dick rocks.  Ask anyone who’s had the good fortune to experience it and they’ll tell you that my dick is awesome.  I mean I’ve only experienced part of the magic that is my cock but believe me, from my own (admittedly biased) perspective it’s pretty fucking good.  And man is it versatile.

I can use it to take a fucking leak - which is pretty fucking good.  It’s also good for tickling a chick’s tonsils, basting a womb, drilling an asshole, jizzing on a face, slipping between tits and some things you probably wouldn’t guess.  For example, I have tied a string around it an used it as a fishing pole - i can fucking cast with the damn thing.  Once, I fell asleep naked in a field - when I woke up there was flag flying on it and a bunch of people looking up saluting.

Once I was at the fucking beach and I heard this chick in the water screaming.  She was pretty far out there and everyone was running around trying to figure out what the fuck to do.  Being the quick-thinking motherfucker that I am, I reached into my pants and began twirling my dick over my head like a lasso.  I let it fly and it landed in the water not far from her.  People on the shore watched with their binoculars as she grabbed hold.  She got rescued and I got a fucking hand job.  It was a fucking win-win situation.

I mentioned on the blog that I am going to do a statue of my dick for Boston.  Nine feet long.  It’s going to be fucking awesome.  Nice marble, it’s gonna look really good.  Yeah, my cock is something else.  I wish more people (women) had the opportunity to enjoy this fucking thing.

Anyone who doesn’t think my cock is awesome is a fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole - Billy Joel and Balls

Q - Dear Hole - Can you tell my why this story about Billy Joel in 1977 is the lead story on CNN.com?  Thanks - The Stranger

A - Good goddamn question.  I looked there just now and was left totally scratching my fucking head - and my balls.  I mean I don’t really give a jumping monkey fuck about this scabies-ridden douche bag myself so I can’t figure out why the fuck anyone else fucking would.  And to hear him boo-hoo-hooing about sucking shit?  Who can fucking take that crap?

I’ll be fucking honest with you - I didn’t even read the whole fucking story.  Why the fuck would I?  Now if the headline was something like mine - “Billy Joel and Balls” I might have read more.  And if it had started with something like - “In an emotional fucking interview with that old cock head Larry King, shitting fucking singer guy Billy Joel admitted to sucking balls” - then I would have read it for fucking sure.

But guess the fuck what?  It didn’t.  It’s about how bad he used to suck and how 31 fucking years ago someone thought he didn’t suck quite so bad.  They were fucking wrong.  Billy Joel does suck - shit, balls and ass - so get him the fuck off CNN (and the fucking radio and TV while you’re fucking at it).

Fuckin’ A, there’s got to be more important news than that Billy Joel sucks.  CNN and Billy Joel - assholes!

Dear A-Hole: I hate the summer

Q - I have to say that I hate the summer.  There are totally no holidays from July 4th to Labor Day.  That’s just week.  Don’t you think every month should have a holiday?  Super Sharpie

A - Look jackass, every fucking day in the summer is a goddamn holiday, what the fuck are you talking about?  Sure, some fucks still have to go to work and shit - but even for them there are good fucking reasons to be happy - unlike you you dumb sad fuck.

First of all, in the fucking summer, chicks forget to dress like fucking matrons and shit and pull out all the slutty stops.  Small shirts, short skirts, bare skin - holy crap you have to fucking love it.  Every damn day in summer should be called fucking skin day.

Second, it stays fucking light out and shit.   That way you have more time to do shit without have to use any fucking lights or anything.  You can sit out side and drink until all fucking night since not only is it fucking light but it’s also fucking warm.  Don’t be a fucking pussy.

Third, it’s OK to get totally wasted in the summer.  I don’t know why, but it just seems like people don’t mind when you get totally shit faced in the summer.  I mean if you show up someplace in the winter totally fucked up you’re gonna get the hairy eyeball.  Not so in the fucking summer - people just seem to smile and wave you right in - even if you puke.

Fourth, sex is way easier.  Combine my first three points - hot chicks, out all night and plenty of booze - and you get the final reason summer rocks.  Easy access to pussy.  I would give up every fucking holiday in the world for easy access to fucking pussy - wouldn’t you?  I mean fuck . . . hot chicks in skimpy outfits.  Sweating.  Getting drunk.  Sitting on picnic tables at like midnight.  Goin’ down on you?

Fuck man, summer fucking ROCKS!  Anyone who hates the summer is a stupid fucking asshole.

Dear A-Hole: Say Hay Rays!

Q - Dude, your crappy Red Sox just got swept by the even crappier Rays.  You Suck.  YankeeeeeeeeeeeesRULE

A - Fuck man, I know, I go and spend a shitload of fucking money on a team and then they fucking choke like it’s their first day working the glory hole or something.  I’m gonna bench every fucking one of them and call in a bunch of minor league guys to teach the fucking coddled pros a lesson!

Dude, seriously, what the fuck?  So the Sox have lost a few games - no biggie.  They’re still ahead of Wanks (who are still choking like it’s day 100 at the glory hole and all the customers have been fucking horses or something).  And listen, I’ve heard that there’s a really disgusting reason that Tampa is doing so fucking well: they eat shit.

Not just any shit though, that would be gross.  They eat shit from that fucking fish tank out in the outfield.  Apparently, it gets collected, dried and then sprinkled on there food on game day.  And since they became shit eaters things have been going the Ray’s way.  I think the fucking MLB needs to look into this fucking situation and add fish shit to the list of banned substances and PEDs ’cause this just isn’t right.

It would be one thing if these fucking guys were creeping up the standings a little, or showed year-over-year improvement; but they didn’t man, they just started eating that fish shit and went straight to the fucking top.

Teams that cheat by eating fish shit are assholes.

A toilet from space?

So I get this fucking picture sent to me from this chick I’m sweet on (bet you never thought you’d hear those fucking words coming out of my fucking mouth).

And I was just like, what the fuck is it?  At first I thought it was some kind of cool toilet but couldn’t figure out how to sit on the fucking thing.  Then I thought maybe it was one of those weird pussy washers from France or something.  See if you can fucking guess.  I am just dumb.