Q – Would you do Michelle Bachman

Q – I don’t know if you do this site anymore – it was pretty funny back in the day – but I have a question. There’s a lot of stuff out there about Michelle Bachman and I have to ask – would you do her?

Trina

A – Fuckin’ A sister it has been a long time since I’ve laid things out for all you motherfuckers. Why? Because I’m a lazy ass piece of shit that doesn’t keep doing anything for very long. That and the fact that I don’t have a consistent internet connection still or a computer of my own or that I got busted posting shit at the library that got me in trouble and shit. Fuck my life, you know?

So you want to know if I’d fuck Michelle Bachman? One question. Does she have a fucking pussy? If the answer is yes (and I’m pretty sure she does) then the answer is yes. As long as she had a fucking gagball in her piehole.

Dear A-Hole: Are you buzzed?

Q – My techno weenie friends all are talking about buzz.  What’s up with that?  Cleo

A – Well Cleo you came to the fucking right guy to ask about buzz because I try to get fucking buzzed every fucking day.  Some days I start off with a few bong hits before I even get off the fucking couch.  At noon I’m ready to crack a few fucking cold ones – but never before noon, I don’t want people to think I’m a fucking lush or something.

I decided to do some investigating though since you mentioned tech and I found out there’s some other buzz shit happening right now.  I guess fucking Google found out about Twitter or something cause that’s what they’re trying to do – make fucking twitter for email or some shit.  WTF?  I use gmail cause it’s fucking free and shit but I don’t think everyone i talk to fucking does.

Google is getting so fucking full of themselves it makes me fucking wanna use Bing or something.  Phones, internet access, buzz, wave – give me a fucking break.  All this shit is just fucking that – shit that you don’t fucking need.  If you want to get buzzed take my fucking advice – go score yourself a nice bag and smoke the fuck up.  And help your weenie friends loosen up by giving them a few fucking hits too.

People who get boners over computers and shit are assholes.

If the shoe fits change your fucking underwear

If you ever used to read me you know I fucking suck.  I am a total fucking loser.  I don’t do much besides sit around, jack off and get fucking baked.  I still do that fucking shit but you know what?  I am getting sick of how fucking much real assholitry I see in this fucking place.

A case in fucking point.  Douche Cheney and a bunch of his cock-gobbling buddies are out saying that the Big O is soft on the fucking bombers and shit.  Why?  Cause he had the fucking underpants guy arrested and wants him put on trial.  Guess the fuck what?  That’s the same fucking thing Satan and W did with the shoe douche.  What’s the fucking difference?  One was going to use shoes and the other underwear?

How fucking dumb do these asscracks think we are?  Everyone whining about giving fucking terror douches due process instead of sending them to hell (a weekend with Douche Cheney).  Why the fuck was it OK for them to follow the law with the shoe guy?

Look, I’m all for colonizing Atlantis with terrorists (just keep swimming down guys, it’s there somewhere) but fair is fair.  If it was OK to obey the law with the shoe guy why should O become a criminal just to assuage the far right-up-our-asses?

Lets break this down so that even the fucking dumbest tea bagger can do the math:

Foreign national?

• Shoe Guy – check
• Captain Underpants – check

Tried blowing up a plane?

• Show Guy – check
• Captain Underpants – check

Used an unexpected article of clothing?

• Shoe Guy – check
• Captain Underpants – check

Got arrested by LAW ENFORCEMENT on US Soil

• Shoe Guy – Check
• Captain Underpants – check

Viewed as a Terrorist not an Enemy Combatant

• Shoe Guy – Check
• Captain Underpants – Check

Prosecuted in Federal Court and sentenced to consecutive life sentences

• Shoe Guy – Check
• Captain Underpants – In Process

Arrest and Prosecution Causes Right Wing Assholes ire?

• Show Guy – Nope
• Captain Underpants – Check

Maybe if some fucking right winger reads this they can explain why the approach taken by Bush and Satan was right for the shoe bomber while the SAME FUCKING APPROACH taken by Obama was WRONG for Captain Underpants.  I mean really, can some one tell me.  I’m a pretty fucking stupid guy but the only thing that seems different to me is how far up their own asses some people have their fucking heads.

People who shove their heads up their own asses are total fucking assholes.

Wanna take a shit

You know what fucking sucks?  Needing to take a fucking crap and there not being a single fucking bathroom in sight.  That’s what’s happening to me this very fucking second.  I can feel the shit building up but there’s not a fucking thing I can do about it.  Sure I’ve crapped my pants from time-to-time but I’m talking to this fucking chick who has no fucking idea what I’m writing or even that I need to shit.  She’s so fucking hot.  This fucking sucks.

Dear A-Hole – Time Flies – Celebs Dies

Q – Hasta La Vista NA?  So can’t help notice that there have been some tragic celeb deaths in recent days.  Given your feeling on celebrities, how does this all make you feel?  Cornhuskie

A – From some fucking song I think I heard in a douche bag commercial or something, “I’m walking on fucking sunshine.”  All of these dead and dying celebrities make more room for the deserving non-celebrities.  More fucking air for the rest us is what I fucking say!

Let’s look at last weeks rollcall in a bit more fucking detail, shall we?

Farah: Look, I’ll be honest, I probably beat my fucking meat to her poster more than a few fucking times.  I missed Charlie’s Angels when she was on it because I’m not fucking old.  But still, I think she would have looked hot sporting some of my man-chowder across her face.  Sorry she died and shit.

Michael Jackson: Grade-A freakazoidal douchbag.  WFT?  The fucking guy tries to change fucking races, bang fucking kids, keeps a fucking pet monkey and shit, acts like the freak to end all freaks and then pulls a Hank fucking Williams Sr.  It’s been fucking years (at fucking least) since I heard one of his shitty songs.  Even this past week with him being dead and all I managed not to hear even one little fucking bit.  Yay for me.

Billy Mays: You all know my fucking lifestyle – I stay up all night getting baked, jacking off, etc.  I also consume shitty TV the way some people drink water.  And there’s nothing surer about shitty TV than that you’re going to see Billy fucking Mays trying to sell you some shit.  I remember once I was fucking MESSED UP on shrooms or acid or something and suddenly felt this fucking connection with Billy.  I’m not trying to sound gay or anything but I fucking loved the guy.  There was just something about the way he was talking that fucking night that made a lot of fucking sense.  I can’t even remember what the fucking he was talking about but fuck – it really meant a lot to me at least.

Thankfully, none of these deaths was a personal tragidy for me.  I know that for some people life fucking has lost it’s fucking meaning since these bags bit it – not me baby.  I’m all about having a good fucking time and not giving two goat fucks about celebrities – living or fucking dead.

People who give a shit about this shit are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – I Smell Vacation

Q Hola Asshole – just came up with a genius idea I wanted to share with you cause it works. The other day I knew I was gonna get wasted and that I wasn’t gonna wanna work the next day. I didn’t wanna waste vacation so here’s what I did. I ate a load of beans and cabbage and stuff and waited. As soon as I could feel the effects I started hanging close to my boss and acting woozy. Pretty soon the effects kicked in and I was stinking the place up. He tried to ignore it but between my moaning and the stink there was no way. I told him my roommate had some kind of bug – nasty – and he sent me home and told me to lay low till things passed. That was a couple a days ago. You should try it it works great. Tootin Tony

A – From your fucking ass to gods fucking ear (or fucking nose in this case). That’s fucking awesome. If I had a fucking job I would do it. But guess what loser – I don’t fucking work. That shit would fucking interfere with me getting baked, getting drunk and getting laid.

It’s actually kind of fucking sad that you even need to stoop to shit like that to have fucking fun. But I’ll pretend I fucking understand how the fucking world works and shit. You’re just fucking lucky you boss doesn’t like sniffing farts or you might had had to do a fucking command performance or something.

People who like sniffing farts are assholes.

Dear A-Hole – S’not cool

Q – Hello N.A., this is REALLY embarassing.  I was at work yesterday and was picking my nose.  I got something that looked pretty good so I ate it.  The problem is a buddy saw me do it and told everyone.  Gene

A – Well Gene you’re officially a gross fucking douche bag.  What the fuck comes out of your nose that “looks pretty good?”  A steak, some marshmallows, a fucking chicken wing?  Help me out here buddy because the only fucking shit that ever comes out of my nose is blood or snot and nether of those look “pretty good” to me.  And certainly not good enough to fucking eat.

Even though you’re a gross fucking fuck, I’m still going to fucking give you a hand.  So now at work everyone hates you and gives you shit.  This is natural and you should expect it.  The solutions are limited – you could a) kill yourself – but this seems a little draconian, b) get a new job or c) kill everyone who knows.

A and C are a little fucking extreme so don’t do those.  I put them in for comic fucking relief.  Getting a new job is the only fucking answer.  Not just a new job though buddy, you’re going to need a new fucking identity in a city far away from whatever snot-munching shit-hole you currently call home.  Who the fuck knows, maybe there’s some tribe of snot-eaters somewhere who would welcome you with open arms and shit.  Good luck.

People who eat their snot are assholes.

True Fucking Story

So last fucking night I was in this fucking dive.  Being here in Kickassachusetts I stood in front and smoked some weed.  (That’s right restofthefuckingcountry, we can smoke dope all the time here.)  I went in an started to get fucking plastered and shit.  Anyway, I was standing there when a fucking foul-ass fart slipped out of my ass and wreaked havoc on the place.

This one dude, it’s first victim, called this other guy over so he’d have to smell it.  That led to the two of them arguing about who had done it.  Meanfuckingwhile I just stood there drinking my beer.  The think crept up the floor toward the stage, sending people gasping.  The dude who smelled it second went to work as a fucking town crier or something, running around like a douche bag warning people that it was coming.  This of course convinced more people that it was him.

I was there with this hot chick that I know pretty well.  She was cracking up about what was fucking happening and almost pissed her pants when I told her it was really me.

I love fucking farting and anyone who says they don’t are fucking assholes.

Dear A-Hole – What?

Q – Dear Assholish One – I was at McDonald’s the other day – just relaxing and trying to eat – when some parents were going bananas shouting at their kids for being annoying.  It was like so annoying that I couldn’t deal with it.  Don’t people have any respect!?  Sven T.

A – Geez, I can hardly even figure out what the fuck you are even trying to ask me.  Don’t people have any respect?  Not for a douche like you I guess.  I mean lets fucking think about this – you go to McDonalds to relax?  I go to that shithole when I am baked and need some grease or something.  Like you, I do fucking hate it when I have to listen to fucking families bickering.  It’s totally fucking annoying.  The shrill sound of kids, the moaning bellowing of nutless parents, the grating non-stop wail. . .

But guess the fuck what?  That’s what you’re going to get there, OK?  See it’s designed to attract annoying people the way shit attracts flies.  If you want to relax there are tons of fucking places that are way better.  I like going to fucking peep-shows.  You know, the kind where you get your own booth.  You can just sit in there and chill without anyone bothering you.  And if you get bored you can put in a buck and jack off or something.  And the best fucking part is there are never any annoying families crowding up the joint.  Just be sure to wipe your shoes before you go into your pad if you know what I mean.

Bickering families fucking suck.  What a bunch of assholes.

Holy Fuck – American Idol – WHY?

Some douche just posted that this is the fucking 8th fucking year of American Fucking Idol.  Why the fuck do we need this shit?  Some people might give me shit for judging this show without ever having watched it – but guess what, I’ve never fucked a goat either . . .

One bunch of dirty sluts in Texas have the right fucking idea – they started  a little something they call “Stripper Idol” and you know what?  It sounds fucking great to me.  But guess what – the fucking ass-munches at fucking Fox are boo-hoo-hooing about it saying, “whaa, whaa, we’re a bunch of fucking pussies and we want them to fucking stop . . .”

I say fuck that.  I love naked fucking chick and I hate wannabe douche bag celebrities – so guess what I’d rather fucking watch?  I’ll take some dirty MILF trying her hand at pole dancing any day before I’d be interested in some cockwad like Clay Aiken.  That little shit smells like balls. 

The sooner we can get American Idol off the air an replace it with Stripper Idol the better off we’ll all fucking be.

People who love American Idol are fucking douche bags and assholes.